Mating Season
by Serac
Summary: [Complete] Every several thousand years, the NineTailed Fox lets off an aura irresistible to women, and mates. But now that it's trapped inside Naruto, things are a little more complicated..... [Harem]
1. Doodles?

_-----Author's note: Hey, you guys. This is going to be an epic story of love, honor, friendship, and confused teenage hormones. The last part entails comedy, so there will be that, too. This is my second fic, and the first one in the Naruto setting. In case anyone's wondering, this will be more harem, than anything else, but I do love reader participation..._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Bright blue eyes danced over one of the most beautiful things to have ever graced our young hero's sight. His mind swam through the warmth he got simply by being in her presence, his chest swelling with the anticipation of what he knew was coming. He snickered to himself, knowing she was taking things so slow because she knew it drove him crazy. It was like a game. He hated the wait, but the tension boiling up from below was so fantastically good that he wanted her to move a little slower.

"Slow down for me, baby..." Naruto Uzumaki whispered, his mouth hanging open a little as the time was finally coming.

"Naruto-kun..." Her soft voice passed over her silky lips as she bent over in front of him, her face near his own. The blonde shinobi could literally see the steam between the two of them, "Naruto-kun...you're so silly with that face," Ayame giggled, setting the bowl of ramen down before the teen, who laughed in turn.

"Ha, ha, I can't help how hungry I am, you know that," The teen admitted as he prepared to dig into the bowl before him.

"I know, I know. But the way you were looking at me before I got here...I was starting to think you were going to...you know, do something...un-Naruto-like," Ayame surprised the ninja by sitting across from him, setting her elbows onto the surface so she could rest her chin in her hands.

It was a little after eight at night, and the Ichiraku ramen stand was barren save for their number one customer. His stomach growled, but he couldn't bring himself to let loose his savage hunger on the food. Not with her looking at him...like that. He'd read about it before in mangas and even once in one of ero-sennin's perverted books, but he hadn't ever seen it on a real person's face. But he could see it in her eyes...the infamous schoolgirl love sparkle.

"You're not even _in_ school!" Naruto pointed at her, nearly knocking his bowl over, "Are you?"

"Wh-What are you talking about, now?" The daughter of the stand's owner asked, a look of confusion spreading across her face.

"Uh, nothing. But what did you mean 'un-Naruto-like'? What's not like me?"

After laughing a little, she replied, "I meant...ha, ha, uh...nothing, never mind. So how's your training been going?"

'_Oh, man...is she trying to make small talk with me? Ok, ok, there's a few different things this could mean. 1. She wants to torture me and keep me from eating. 2. She wants me to do something for her. It's probably that. 3. She...ah, no, not that...' _"It's been great! I haven't seen Jiraiya in forever, so I've had to train alone, but that's alright. For now."

"You spend all day out by yourself? You're so dedicated, Naruto-kun..." Ayame purred, the love sparkle lighting back up.

Going into his 'yeah, I'm great' mode, he was of course oblivious to this, "Aw, it's nothing for someone like me! After all, as future Hokage, I can't let a little thing like some time alone get me down!"

"But what about your friend, Sakura? Doesn't she go to train with you?" Ayame asked politely.

Naruto thought back to the last time he had asked Sakura to train with him. If his somewhat blurry memory served him right, it ended up sounding like a date, and he wound up on the ground with a bleeding head. He woke up several hours later alone and it was nighttime. He learned to pick and choose his words with her a little more carefully, after that.

"Uh, no, not Sakura-chan. She'd rather...not do that, I think," He admitted with a sigh.

"Well, if there's anything I can ever do for you..." He jumped a little when he felt her foot under the table, stroking his leg, "I mean it...anything...you just let me know, ok, Naruto-kun?"

He could now see the sparkle in her eyes, and he didn't think it was the schoolgirl love sparkle anymore. He thought it was the glazed look of being stoned out of your mind. He squeaked in surprise as her foot went just a little too high, and tumbled out of the booth in shock.

"Naruto-ku-u-un, where are you going?" Ayame asked, her tone of voice one that Naruto wasn't at all familiar with. It sounded like desperation paired with desire and sadness. Whatever it was that sounded like...

"Uh...I gotta...go and do...something that isn't here, see ya!" He bolted from the stand, without having even touched his ramen.

'_Oh man...what was that all about? It must have been some test by Mr. Ichiraku to make sure I was there for his food, and not anything else! Geez, he should know me better than that, after all the times I've been there!' _His thinking was interrupted by his stomach, which growled loud enough to surprise even him. He had forgotten how hungry he was because of Ayame's little stunt. _'Great, now what am I gonna ea-'_

His thought pattern broke a second time as a dark figure appeared before him, scaring the living hell out of him. He fell back with a shout, though he still drew a kunai out, and was ready to defend himself even from the ground.

"Ugh, still so shaky? What's Jiraiya been teaching you all this time?" The voice was familiar, and the man offered a hand down to help Naruto up.

"Kakashi-sensei! It's just you...don't surprise me like that!" He shouted, sticking the knife back into his little bag.

"Relax, relax. Actually, I guess I can understand why you'd be a little jumpy..." The jounin admitted as he began to walk beside the teen, who was planning on making a straight line for his house.

"You can? Why's that?"

"Well, I happened to see your little run-in with Ichiraku's daughter. Pretty funny, actually..."

"You saw that?" Naruto asked loudly, tripping over his own feet and stumbling sideways into a couple of garbage cans.

"Smooth," Kakashi commented, "Yep, I saw it alright. Once I get these copied, everyone will see it," He said plainly, holding up a few pictures of their little meeting. There was a nice side shot that showed Ayame's foot riding up a little high on him.

"Wh-Wh-What? Kakashi-sensei, how did you get those without me noticing? Y-You're kidding right? You wouldn't do that...right?" Naruto pulled himself out of the mess of garbage, and tried to swipe the photos from his old teacher.

"I'm a stealthy guy, Naruto, what can I say? And yes, I would copy these. Unless you come with me to see Tsunade, that is..." The white haired ninja stuck the photos back in his little bag, and changed directions, knowing full well that Naruto would be close behind.

"Old lady Hokage? What does she want with me? Is it a mission?" The thought of a scandal with the ramen stand's daughter fell from his attention as he followed Kakashi.

"Well...sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Yeah. Sort of."

"That's not helpful! Is it a mission, or not?"

"Well...sort of," Kakashi replied calmly, his tone nice and relaxed, just like always.

Thoroughly pissed off, the teen crossed his arms and glared at the back of his teacher's head, "Fine, be that way."

Slowing down so that his former student could fall in stride with him, Kakashi looped an arm around the teen's shoulders, "Ok, I will. Thanks for being so understanding, Naruto," He laughed, like he didn't have a care in the world, "Oh, and if Tsunade acts a little nicer than you're used to, just roll with it, ok?"

-

"Well, here we are. Just like you asked," Kakashi spoke up, motioning from himself to the blonde beside him. They were in front of Tsunade's desk, in her dimly lit office.

Tsunade's eye twitched a little as she replied, "Yes, I see that you're here. Two hours later than I asked, you dumb-ass!"

"Aw, don't be like that..." He trailed off when he saw the fire burning in the Hokage's eyes. That meant it was time to shut up. Not that Naruto was particularly good at picking up on things like that.

"Hey, grandma, we came over as soon as he found me! So is there a mission you wanted to give me, or what?" He up and asked, his hands behind his neck, as he liked them.

Kakashi half expected her to throw a brick at the stupid ninja, but the only thing that went his way was a warm smile and a few words, which was the other thing he half expected, "Don't be silly, Naruto-kun. I don't plan on sending you on any missions for quite some time, actually..."

'_K-Kun? Did she just call me what I think she did?' _The teen found that, for once, he seemed unable to form words.

"But what we're about to tell you should help to clear some things up, for you," An energetic voice cut through the awkward silence that had fallen over the three in just a few seconds. The voice belonged to none other than Gai, the blue beast of Konoha. Beside him was his favorite pupil, the youthful Rock Lee. Both were decked out in their customary green spandex training suits.

"A-And...what do you want to tell me?" He stuttered a little, looking at all of the faces around him. Lee, Gai, Kakashi, then to... "Huh? Where'd old lady Tsunade go?" He blurted out, the beautiful blonde no longer behind her desk. He whipped around, coming within an inch of the Hokage's chest, and freezing up. He was expecting a punch in the face, or a knee to the stomach, but what he got was a little...better? Well, better is a matter of opinion, and Naruto wasn't sure what his opinion was, at the moment.

The Hokage wrapped her arms around Naruto and pulled his face into her chest. She held him tight, rubbing her face in his hair and giggling a little, "Naruto-kun, you're so dependable and hard working...have I ever told you how much I love that about you?"

"N-No...Can't...breathe..." Naruto struggled for life saving air as he was smothered in the hug.

"G-Gai-sensei!" Lee stammered his eyes wide at the sight before him.

"Lee! Don't look, it's not right!" Gai replied, slapping his hand over Lee's own hands, which were clasped over his eyes.

"It's so much more serious than I thought it would be! To affect even Tsunade-sama! It truly is a most dangerous problem!" The younger of the two in spandex exclaimed.

"I know, Lee! But with youth on our side, we will emerge victorious! How can we lose?"

The two began to laugh, teeth sparkling in the dim light of the office.

Kakashi sighed, pulling out his perverted book and crossing the room to sit in Tsunade's chair, "You've gotta be kidding me...it figures I'd be one of the people to deal with this. You two...see if you can pry her off of him long enough for an actual talk," The apparently bored jounin instructed the two in green, who lunged at the two with all of their strength.

-

Several minutes later, Naruto was on the ground, hands over his head as he whimpered in fear. Lee and Gai were both sporting bruises and black eyes, but they had managed to pin Tsunade down after convincing her that Naruto liked it better when the girl couldn't move. He wasn't sure what they were saying, at the moment, but he would soon find out...

"Naruto, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news," Kakashi mumbled as he clapped his book shut, laying it down on the table.

"The...The good news, please!" Naruto nearly shouted, jumping to his feet and clasping his hands together like he was ready to beg for it.

"Well, the good news is that you're gonna be a lot more popular, around here..."

"...And what's the bad news?"

"I want to have your babies, Naruto-kun!" Tsunade exclaimed from the ground, the flush in her face not nearly as deep as those of the men in the room, except for Kakashi, who seemed to think it a funny idea.

"I guess that's the bad news. No, wait, that IS the bad news. A little reminiscent of your encounter with Ayame, no?" He asked casually, like Tsunade hadn't just admitted wanting to bear Naruto's children. He waited for a response from Naruto, but was disappointed to find the boy unconscious and bleeding from his nose all over the place. He groaned, getting up from his seat, picking up the Hokage's glass of water from the desk. After pouring it out onto the teen's face, he waiting for the spluttering to stop before asking, "Are you gonna be alright? I can't talk to you about this if you aren't going to be awake for it."

"You're too ancient to be having babies, you old lady! Quit screwing with my head!" The ninja exclaimed, rubbing his head with both hands, "What the hell's going on?" He turned to Kakashi for an answer, who motioned for him to calm down.

"If you'll be quiet and conscious for a minute, I'll tell you. Ok?"

Naruto nodded, but he was still shaking a little.

"Ok. Now, you may or may not have noticed this...well, no, you've probably noticed it, but the ladies of Konoha have been treating you a little...different," When Naruto raised a hand and opened his mouth, the jounin quickly cut him off, "No, it's not because they finally see you for who you are. You're still basically a loser, to the majority of them," He felt a little pang of guilt for being so blunt with the young ninja, who hung his head in disappointment.

"Then what is it?"

"Well, it happens to be the nine-tailed fox, actually. Demons have needs, too..."

"Like eating?"

"Uh-huh. And..."

"Sleeping?"

"Sometimes. And..."

"...Exercise?"

"Getting warmer..." Kakashi thought it was funny Naruto was skirting around the answer. He could just up and say it, but that would take the fun out of having his old pupil do so. Lee didn't see this as funny, and blurted out the answer.

"The nine-tailed fox wants doodles, Naruto!" He shouted, his face red and his eyes wide.

"D-Doodles? Like...drawing? I could draw it something, I guess..." Naruto mumbled, wondering where he could get some crayons.

With a sigh that showed he could hardly believe the teen's clueless-ness, Kakashi said, "No, geez. The nine-tailed fox is ready to procreate, and is letting off an aura that women find irresistible. It only happens every few thousand years, but luckily enough...I mean, unfortunately, that time is now. It's attracting mates, you idiot."

"Mates? ...Mates? Whoa! Hey, no thank you! I'm not ready to..." His voice got real quiet as he said the last part, "Make love..."

Gai snorted a little, and even Kakashi snickered. Lee looked from one sensei to the other, wondering what was so funny about what Naruto just said. Tsunade opened her mouth, and would no doubt have said something inappropriate had Lee not clapped a hand over it.

"Don't laugh! This is a big problem! How am I supposed to deal with this? Baby-making does not sound like a good idea, right now! You guys have gotta help me!"

"Don't worry, we will..." The copy ninja replied, rubbing the tear out of his one visible eye. Naruto could just imagine the big grin he had on under his mask, "Even though it's hilarious on many levels, this is a serious issue that we have to focus on. We've all talked it over, and decided we can't simply send you away..."

"No!" Tsunade shouted, starting to squirm around under the grips of Lee and Gai, "If you send him away I'll break your necks and use your hollowed out skulls as fruit bowls!"

"Yeah, so you're not leaving the village," Kakashi repeated, "But Gai and I can't keep a constant eye on you because, honestly, we have things we HAVE to do. So..."

"You sound like you don't trust me! Do you honestly think I'd take advantage of anyone, like that?" He protested.

"If we weren't here right now, Tsunade would probably be on top of you within a few seconds. Now, do you honestly want me to believe that: A. You _could_ get away from her, B. You'd even _want_ to get away from her, I mean come on, look at her, and C. That you haven't had any impure thoughts ever, at all, about anyone? You can try all you want, but you're just another guy, when it comes down to it," Kakashi explained.

"Ok, fine. But if you guys can't protect me from raging female hormones, who will?" He looked from one teacher to the next, and found that they were both pointing to Lee, who had an awkward smile on his face.

"What?" Naruto shouted, "He can't even land a date! He has no experience when it comes to getting women, so how's he supposed to understand them at all?" He was conveniently overlooking the fact that he wanted to repel women, at the moment.

"My adorable student is the perfect candidate for this mission!" Gai exclaimed, a light flicking to life out of nowhere, illuminating his eyes and setting off little sparkles nearby, "He is a trustworthy ally and friend, who will do everything in his power to keep you safe from the raging libidos of women, everywhere!"

"At least until we figure out how to stop the nine-tailed fox's mating aura..." Kakashi pointed out, "Then you're free to make doodles with whoever you want."

"Stop calling it that!" Naruto yelled, damn close to blowing a fuse.

"Lee will be staying with you in your home, too, to make sure no one sneaks in for a little 'visit' at night. Since we can't keep you out of sight for certain...blonde reasons, you'll just have to try and get by as best you can until we can figure this all out. If you can stay away from any girls, and women, that would be helpful. Whatever you do, don't do anything to anyone!" Kakashi pointed a stern finger at Naruto.

"You mean 'with' anyone, right?"

"Sure, that's what I meant. And lastly, for God's sake, don't go anywhere without Lee."

"Lee!" Gai shouted, "I'm counting on your youthfulness and morality to shine brighter than it ever has! Our good friend Naruto is in need of a true friend, and to keep youthful, one must have truly good friends! Do you understand?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei! I will not let Naruto have doodles with anyone or anything, even himself!" Lee shouted, saluting his teacher.

"Dammit! If any of you say that again, I'm going to break your face in!" The troubled blonde ninja shouted, moving for the door.

"Alright, Lee, on three, let go of Hokage-sama, and then run with Naruto as though your lives depend on it! Do you un..." Gai trailed off when he saw that Lee had already rushed off after Naruto, leaving him and Kakashi alone with Tsunade, who was sitting back at her desk, "Wait...what?"

"It looks like when he isn't around, there's no difference with the women, at all. She's completely back to normal..." Kakashi mumbled, staring at Tsunade in wonder.

"What are you idiots gawking at? Get out of here, I've got business to take care of!" She pointed at the door for them to leave, and the two quickly obeyed.

"It's like she doesn't remember a thing..." Gai whispered to his rival as they entered the hall.

"I wish _I_ didn't remember any of this...I don't know whether to feel bad for Naruto, or want to kick his ass..."

_-----Author's other note: And there's chapter 1. Anyone interested in seeing where I can go with this? Think I should just stop right now? Got something you want to see? Whatever's going on, let me know. I think it could be pretty fun, personally. Well, thanks for reading...-----_


	2. Butch? or Where Men Fear To Tread

_-----Author's note: Holy crap, dude! I can't believe how many read this, or even how many reviews I got! Granted, I'm sure there were plenty of people who thought I was insane, but damn! Guess that's just what happens when you step into such a populated fandom. Anyway, thanks everyone who reviewed, you rock, and I will try and listen to you as best as logically possible. _

_Oh, and I saw that there are like, twenty other stories entitled 'Mating Season'. So much for originality._

_Here's the little disclaimer bit:_

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Naruto flew back, scraping along the ground for several yards before flipping up onto his feet. He skid to a stop, lunging back with a shout, kunai drawn. His opponent was fast, and able to dodge nearly anything. Definitely had no problem dodging the blonde's attacks, that was for sure. Moving so fast it was as though they were a blur, the two dashed around the training grounds, sparks flying as knives connected, knuckles cracking as punches landed.

A fist to the face sent Naruto crashing to the ground, bouncing twice before rolling to a stop.

'_Ow...ugh, I think that's all I've got in the tank, this morning...I really shouldn't have gotten talked into missing breakfast...'_ With his one eye that wasn't swollen shut, he watched as his opponent slowly approached him. He understood the gamble he had taken very well, and he knew that he had just lost the bet. _'But that...that means that...no, not like this...I'm not even going to be able to enjoy it, like this...'_

He grimaced back at the little smile on his enemy's face. He knew what that smile meant. It was a _hungry _smile, and he knew exactly what the fiend was hungry for.

"Time to pay up what you owe, now," The voice taunted a little, the smile all the more evident as the words came out.

"I'll never...never let you into my pants..." Naruto groaned, trying to push himself up. He fell face first when his enemy smacked him in the back of the head, laughing.

"You don't have to say it like that, Naruto!" Lee laughed, sitting beside his defeated training partner, "After all, it was your idea to make the bet. Now you've lost, and lunch is on you! Break out that wallet, and let's go get something to eat!"

Even though he had to pay, the thought of food was enough to energize Naruto enough to stand up, and begin the walk towards the village.

"Don't forget," Lee called after his new roommate, as he hurried to catch up to him, "When we start getting close to the village, you have to perform the...you know, the 'girl' technique."

"I know, I know. I did it on the way here, didn't I? Come on, I'm starving to death!"

-

Shikamaru Nara sighed deeply, hands in his pockets as he made his way through the streets of Konoha. He knew today was going to be a crappy day. He had one of those sinking feelings in his stomach. After all, when Ino leaves you a note at your doorstep, asking to meet you for lunch...well, how else would a crappy day start?

'_Thinking logically, there's no way she could possibly want to see me for anything other than to ask a favor,' _The gloomy ninja thought, rubbing the back of his head, _'But...ugh, why me? She couldn't have asked Choji, or someone else?' _The words of his father came fluttering back into his head, where he wished they weren't.

"_Shikamaru, you're getting older, but you still haven't taken an interest in any girls...I'm honestly getting a little worried," His father looked him up and down, wishing he'd take his hands out of his pockets and take this more seriously._

"_Worried about what?" Shikamaru asked in return, perhaps a little quicker than he should have._

"_Well, if you're not interested in women, there's only...one other thing that it could be..."_

"_...Ugh, just stop talking, you're embarrassing me, and yourself. Look, I'm outta here, I'll be back later," He moved to leave, knowing his passive dad wouldn't stop him._

"_Where are you going?"_

_Opening the door and glancing over his shoulder at his dad, he smirked, "I'm gonna go play power tools with Choji," He admitted, "I'll let you think about that."_

Of course he wasn't actually going to do anything with Choji, or his tool. Unless Ino had a mind to...Damn! No! What his old man had said must be bothering him more than he thought it was. Sure, Ino was easy on the eyes, but God damn did she work a number on your ears. It was constant, just talk, talk, talk, and a lot of the time it was whining or bickering. Still...no, not still.

"How troublesome..." He mumbled to himself, not paying attention to where he was walking. He went straight by Ino and where they were supposed to meet, and would have kept going had she not chased him down and pulled him into a headlock.

"You think you can just waltz on away, like that? I didn't go through the stress of writing that letter for nothing, you know!" The blonde kunoichi shouted, choking the life out of her teammate.

"Can't...breathe...dying! ...God..." Shikamaru wriggled around in her grasp for a few seconds before she let go, "...Phew, you're crazy, you know that? I thought you were gonna...wait, did you say stress?" He broke off, giving her a quizzical look.

Ino mumbled something, looking away to hide the tinge of color in her face.

"What was that?"

"I said...it was tough to write that letter to you..." She said, so quietly he almost didn't catch it.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled the letter out to read aloud, "Shikamaru, let's have lunch. I'll see you by that curry place I like. Ino," He concluded the letter in a bland tone, looking at her like she was stupid.

"H-hey! Don't read that out loud! It's very personal!" Ino grabbed the letter out of his hands, throwing him a pouting look.

"That's personal?" He snickered, but quickly stopped when he saw the sad look in her eyes, "Hey, I was just kidding...you don't need to get emotional about it."

She turned to leave, "I don't even know why I thought was a good idea, at all! Forget it," She would have stomped off, but a firm grasp on her wrist held her to the spot.

Shikamaru pulled her around, and she stumbled up against him. He hadn't meant for her to be so close, but now that she was, he felt a little awkward. He looked down at her, seeing the slight glimmer of tears in her eyes. He felt a stab of guilt, "Really, I'm sorry. I didn't...mean to..." He was slowly leaning down to her lips, and she was ready to let him have them.

'_Ah...please let me be good,' _She thought, starting to close her eyes. Before they closed completely, however, she felt a strange sensation like she'd never felt before. She felt herself convulse a little, and heat shot through her body like fire on oil. Her legs shook a little as her mind started to numb, _'God, he must be a fantastic kisser! We haven't even started yet, and I'm having an org-'_ Her thoughts were cut short by the loud voice of Rock Lee. She jumped back, punching Shikamaru in the face, sending him flying into the side of the curry restaurant.

"H-How dare you try and molest me like that? And in public, nonetheless!" She shouted, hoping Lee hadn't misunderstood. She was rather relieved to find that the youthful ninja didn't even seem to know they were there. He was talking with the most beautiful blonde girl to have ever graced God's green earth. The two entered the curry restaurant, and Ino felt that it was her duty as a gossip to know everything possible about this girl, without the girl seeing her, just yet. She scooped up the barely conscious Shikamaru, and threw him into an empty booth a safe distance from the girl and Lee, so she could...'observe' her. Them! That's what she meant...

-

Naruto, decked out in a pink miniskirt and white tube top, couldn't help but think that he looked a little bit like a hooker. He had never gotten so many looks from guys, though, and that gave him a sick feeling of self-satisfaction. Then, he had to admit, there were a ton of girls still checking him out, too. He assumed the only thing keeping them away was his sexy jutsu, because lady-love wasn't particularly popular, in Konoha.

"Naruto, look at this, look at this!" Lee chanted happily as the waitress set down their two plates of food, with a smile. Naruto, though, had his attention taken up by the slender waitress, who had dropped a scrap of paper onto the table with a number on it. She mouthed 'call me' before winking and slowly walking away.

"I don't think the sexy jutsu is cutting it, Lee!" The blonde whisper-yelled. Lee didn't appear to have heard him, though, over the sound of his scarfing down the plate of curry, "Hey! I'm serious! Look at all of the girls who followed us in here!"

Lee took a second to raise his head and scan the little restaurant. A second ago it had been nearly empty, but now they had a two hour wait, and had girls standing around outside waiting for a table. With a chuckle, Lee exclaimed, "They're just attracted to our youthfulness! Who wouldn't be?" He flashed Naruto a thumbs up, and continued to work on his food.

"Yeah? Well I'm gonna haul my youthfulness to the bathroom. I'll be right back..."

Naruto stood up, but Lee had him pause for a quiet reminder, "Don't forget to sit!"

With a shrug, the blonde pushed his way through to the lady's restroom.

Lee watched him go, but quickly continued to eat. He heard someone practically shout that they needed to use the restroom, too, but he didn't pay any attention to it.

Relieved like no one's business that the bathroom was empty, he pulled open the door to one of the many stalls, and stepped inside. Making sure he locked it, he reached down to lower his boxers and expose his manhood. 'Sit down', Lee says...Ha! He might have to look like a girl, but he'd be damned before he succumbed to their way of life!

As he stood there, letting nature take its course, he began to feel a dark sense of foreboding. It felt like...he couldn't explain it. If he tried to think up a word for the heavy feeling in the air, he'd have to say it was more like lust, than anything else. But that was ridiculous! There's no way he'd be able to pick up on something like that, and who could possibly be lusting after him in the women's bathroom?

A kunai jammed into the lower hinge of the door, the screws busting out as inhuman strength pried the door away from its rightful place. Scared half out of his mind, Naruto stopped what he was doing, whipping around to stare Ino in the face. The glint in her eyes was enough to let him know that he hadn't imagined that cloud of lust...

He stuttered a couple of incomprehensible words, breaking out into a cold sweat.

Ino had no idea what it was about this girl, but she could hardly even think at the moment. It was like she didn't even have control of herself, she wanted one thing, and only one thing. Granted, she wanted that one thing over, and over, and over again, but still, it was one thing. Her eyes wandered down low, and widened when she saw why the girl hadn't been sitting down to use the toilet. She looked from a girl's face, to a girl's chest, to a guy's baby-maker, and then back to her face.

Naruto jerked his boxers up, thinking his head was going to explode from all of the blood rushing around. He thought Ino was gonna freak out, but she actually seemed happy with this development.

"Ooh, kinky!" She squealed, pushing Naruto down onto the toilet, and straddling his lap. Before he knew what was happening, he had a gorgeous blonde girl kissing him all over his neck and mouth, and he thought he was gonna black out and get raped in the stall. Wait...in a stall? He pushed Ino off of him, leaping out of the stall and rushing for the door. He stopped a couple of feet short, staring at the seals all over it.

"Oh no you don't, you little minx!" The blonde kunoichi giggled a little, slowly making her way over to her prey, "Unless you want to blow us all to hell, you're not going anywhere. But while we're on the topic of blowing..."

"OH MY GOD!" Naruto finally managed to speak, though it sounded like he was talking underwater due to all of the blood pouring over his mouth from his nose, "Ino, stop it! You're gonna scar me for life!"

"Hm? You know me?" She paused for a few seconds, waiting for an answer.

Realizing he was still in a girl's form, he quickly released the jutsu to reveal himself, back in his old clothes, "See? It's just me!"

Ino exhaled deeply, incredibly relieved to find out that it was actually Naruto, _'Thank God, I'm not butch!' _She turned an even more sinister smile to him, now that she knew that the _she_ was honestly a _he_...

"Look, uh..." He didn't think she'd believe him about the fox's mating aura, so he came up with a lie, "I think somebody put something funky into your system! Like E, or something!"

"Naruto-kun..." Ino purred, walking her fingers up his chest to his lips, then pressing herself up against him, "I think _you_ should put something funky into my system..."

Lee looked up when he heard a shout, "Rasengan!" The door to the lady's restroom exploded, sending shockwaves throughout the vicinity and knocking nearby people clean off of their feet. Rock Lee jumped up, making a dash for the restroom to see if his friend was alright. Before he got there, however, a scorched black Naruto sped away from the charred remains of the lady's bathroom, moving as though his very life was hanging in the balance. Calling after his friend, the youthful teen gave chase.

"Naruto! What happened?" It had been maybe four seconds, and they were already several hundred yards away from the establishment, though the blonde ninja showed no signs of slowing down.

"Next time, I pick where we eat!" Naruto shouted, still stuffing toilet paper up his nose.

Back at the half-destroyed curry restaurant, Shikamaru was nudging Ino with his boot, "Hey, are you ok?" He asked, giving her another poke.

"...Thank...G-God...not butch..." She mumbled, her eyes still swirling around as she lay in the remains of the ruined bathroom.

Shikamaru never found out what she had meant, by that.

_-----Author's other note: God, I'd better be careful with the perverted stuff. I don't want to write an 'M' rated story. 'Course, I think it's all fine for people older than thirteen, personally. Well, I got this chapter out so quick because so many people reviewed, that seriously blew my mind. I'm leaving this pretty open-ended, so if anyone's got suggestions, you can tell me. I think I should do a Hinata one, because that seems to be what people want...well, thanks for reading...-----_


	3. The Hermit's Plot

_-----Author's note: Ok, to answer a couple of questions...uh..._

_1. I don't know how I'm going to end this, or if anyone is actually going to come out with Naruto as the prize. I'm honestly making it up as I go, there's no definite plot or ending. This entire chapter, right here? Written on the fly. Don't know if there's gonna be any 'serious' romantic stuff, either. This is, after all, my first shot at pure comedy._

_2. I'm planning on each girl getting at least one chapter (though I might have some reader favorites get more than that). If anyone REALLY wants something to happen, gratuitous sex aside, I'll probably give it a shot. Just let me know..._

_I think I picked out a good one, for this and the next chapter...Good God, I hope my semi-perverted mind can keep up..._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Jiraiya, towel wrapped tightly around his waist, laughed at Kakashi's accusation. Sure, it was true as all hell, but that didn't make it any less funny. If anything, that added to the hilarity of it. But what was _really _funny, was how the copy ninja didn't appear to want to put a stop to it.

Kakashi had his bare arms folded across his wet chest, towel around his waist. He had a washcloth wrapped around his head, from his nose hanging down over his mouth. His wet hair hung down over his Sharingan eye, leaving only the one eye exposed. It's not like it was intentional, or anything, that's just how everything had played out...

The two men were alone in one of the several nearby hot springs, though this one had been targeted for a rather...'interesting' encounter. The pieces of the game had been set, and soon the goddess of love would be smiling down on the whole resort. Jiraiya would be there, ready to gather all of the material he needed to complete his greatest masterpiece to date. Even the thought of what was coming sent his leg shaking, and his nose running red.

"Hey..." Kakashi mumbled, slowly moving aside so that the streak of red in the water didn't collide with him, "While this may be one of your greatest plots yet, I don't know if you can count on Naruto to actually follow through...unlike some people..." He looked pointedly at the grinning man before him, "He still has a solid grip on his morals."

"Ah, but that won't be the only thing he'll have a solid grip on! It's what? 10 in the morning? I can guarantee you, he'll be a man by this time tomorrow..." Jiraiya snickered maliciously, knowing that one day, his pupil would thank him, if he ever found out who was behind today. He would thank him repeatedly, and beg for another opportunity to help with his writing. That was practically a given.

Kakashi grinned beneath the veil of his washcloth, "Sorry, but I can't let him do anything to anyone. At least not while the fox is pulling the strings."

"You mean 'with' anyone, right?"

"Sure, that's what I meant," He exchanged the same words he had with Naruto.

"But if he doesn't play plumber with her, how am I supposed to get my material for the next volume of Icha Icha Paradise?" The perverted hermit grinned when he saw that this question tripped the copy ninja up.

"That IS a problem...Can't you just...I don't know, fill in the blanks from past experiences, or something?"

"Nope. That would ruin the authenticity of the whole experience, don't you get it? As a faithful reader, I know that you, of all people, can appreciate the experience of my novels as though you were in them yourself! Because I derive them from real life experiences and images. That, my friend, is why I knew you'd help me..."

"Hey, I never said I'd help. Actually, thinking about it, you won't need my help at all. It'll be impossible for you to convince Tsunade to let Naruto leave the village, even if it's only for a single day. He can't leave without her permission, either, or he'll be labeled as a missing ninja. That wouldn't end pretty."

"Oh ho, ho, ho, you underestimate me!" Jiraiya laughed, swinging over to slap Kakashi on the back, "He's already on his way."

With a frown, he turned to look the legendary man in the eyes, "What did you do?" He asked, suspicion riddling his voice.

"Don't be so worried! I had a nice sit down with our beloved Hokage, and after she tried to tear off my five most precious appendages, I-"

"You mean your arms, legs, and head, right?" Kakashi cut in.

"Well, not the head you're thinking about," He sighed when Kakashi lowered his head, fingers to the bridge of his nose, "She's scary, we all know it. Anyway, she went a little psycho when I mentioned Naruto by name, but after a couple of minutes she settled back down, and I asked her in a more...discreet way."

"She doesn't know he's coming here, does she?"

"She thinks he's going for some kind of training, but I've got the paperwork saying it's alright for me to take a certain loudmouth with me for a day. Actually, Naruto doesn't even know I'm going to be here. And he never will..." Jiraiya pointed a stern finger to Kakashi, who moved away from the perverted hermit.

"If you say so. But why aren't you going to let him know you're here?"

"Couple of reasons. First off, he'll want to waste time training or something, if he finds me. Second, he'll think I'm 'up' to something."

'_Well, you are,' _Kakashi thought, sighing.

"Plus, he thinks I'm out tracking Akatsuki's movements, so I can't let him know I'm actually right here!"

"Shouldn't that be what you're doing? Trailing Akatsuki?"

"Ah, don't worry about them. Their activity has dropped off to practically nothing, so it'll be fine. Besides, I didn't call in the favors I'd been saving just to let the chance slip me by," Jiraiya chuckled slyly.

"Favors? You mean blackmail, right?"

"Let's just say...I know some things about the Hyuuga family that they can't afford to let out into the open. Some...interesting...things."

"You mean..."

"I do."

"How interesting?"

"_Very_ interesting."

"Like...chapter 22, interesting?"

"Like chapter 22 interesting. But you can't tell a soul!"

"Wow...that chapter changed my life," Kakashi admitted, his eyes a little wide from the surprise.

"You never looked at a kunai the same way again, did you?"

Kakashi shook his head no, "Or a ladder. What a scene..."

"And then he brought out the cuffs?" Both men inhaled sharply, letting the air come out slow and long, "Yep. Then, nine months later, Hinata showed up and put a cramp on that area of my research. But it's ok, 'cause I'm sure she'll make up for it today...and tonight...and a little bit in the morning..."

'_So, what? Is this a revenge thing?' _Kakashi wasn't sure what he should do. They didn't know for certain if anything bad would happen if Naruto made doodles...and he certainly had a good reason to let the teen explore his desires, now! Ugh, such a difficult decision to make... "Ok, so I know how you're getting the Hyuuga half of the party here, but what about Naruto? You know Lee won't leave his side. Not after Gai told him not to."

"Actually, Gai was how I got to Naruto, without my pupil ever knowing..." Jiraiya snickered darkly, making Kakashi a little nervous.

"Wait...don't tell me that Gai..."

"How else do you think he stayed in such good shape? Jogging? Chapter 18 was the high point in his life..."

The perverted author had to wait for about ten minutes before Kakashi got back from the restroom, which now reeked faintly of vomit, "Please don't ever tell me where you get your inspirations from, ever again. After several hours with a therapist, maybe I'll be able to forget what you just told me," The copy ninja groaned, rubbing his head.

"Well, they'll both be here, at any rate. So? You in, or what?" Jiraiya ventured for a definitive answer.

"...What do you need me to do?"

-

"You sure this is a good idea? I've read a little manga, I know what goes on at these kinds of places..." Naruto asked, constantly looking around in fear of being ambushed. He kept imagining Ino on top of him, and it was making it hard to walk...

He and Lee were making their way towards a private hot springs, owned by a prestigious family, though Gai hadn't said which family. The dirt path they traveled across rose up and down with the gentle slope of the land, a few trees dotted the scenery around them, but other than that there was practically nothing around.

"Why are you walking all funny like that, Naruto?" Lee asked, worried. When all he got was an angry glare in response, he simply assumed that the exploding lady's restroom had left it's mark on his leg, yesterday, "All the more reason for a day of rest and healing! Of course this is a good idea! Gai-sensei said so himself!"

"But what if there are...no, there will definitely be girls there! They love stuff like hot springs, and spas, and mud baths, and all that crap! But when I get in the mud, I'm all dirty and immature...damned hypocrites."

"I think it's different when you put it all in a tub. I think. But, Naruto, speaking of different, you seem a lot more...'youthful', than normal!" Lee pointed out, raising a hand to his chin and glancing at his friend through the corner of his eyes.

"What do you mean? Being the ultimate girl magnet aside, I don't think anything's different..."

"I'm not sure...you don't have a single trace of acne on your face, your shirt's looking a little tighter than normal, your skin looks like it's glowing in the sunlight! If you struck the 'nice guy' pose with all of your heart, the heavens would open up and rain down praise for you!" Lee stopped walking, near shouting in joy for his friend.

"Uh oh, you don't think that maybe..." Naruto, himself, stopped walking.

"That maybe...my youthfulness is rubbing off on you?"

After punching his odd friend in the arm, Naruto spoke, "What if the mating aura is making me look better? I mean, animals do that kind of stuff, right? Like with smells, and stuff!"

"Oh! You might be right!" Lee smacked his fist into his hand, his circular eyes lighting up as though he had just discovered something, "Naruto! Remember yesterday, before we got back to your home?"

"When that mob of housewives from the market started to chase us down?"

"Yes," The two continued to walk, their destination drawing ever closer. To break the bland scenery around them, a few little houses came into sight in the distance, "Did you notice how some of them started to give up the chase when we were pulling away?"

"Yeah. Guess we were just too fast. But what do you expect? We ARE ninjas," Naruto replied casually, hands behind his head as he turned his gaze up to the clouds.

"But what you said about animals...that made me think! What if the aura is like a dog's scent, when they want to mate? You know, what if it only goes so far?"

"What are you talking about?"

"What if the women who stopped chasing, only stopped because they were outside of the aura's range? Think about it. Why hasn't Hokage-sama hunted you down, yet? She just let you go! I'll bet that there's a certain range...Wait right here, let's test it!"

Naruto watched as Lee made a mad dash for the houses before them, and could barely make out his friend as he knocked on one of the doors. A woman answered, and Lee pointed Naruto out to her. At first, the blonde ninja cringed, and was ready to run, but nothing happened. Then, to his surprise, Lee picked the woman up, and began to carry her over to him.

"This will only take a second, ma'am, I'm sorry!" Lee apologized, but he wasn't sure if the woman heard him over her struggling to get free. After he had moved about ten yards closer to his friend, he stopped and asked the girl over his shoulder, "Do you want him, now?" When the woman screamed, no, he smiled, said 'good', And continued to advance towards his ally.

After repeating this process many times, the woman seemed to shiver under his hold, and then she felt really hot. He thought he heard a slight moan escape her lips, but he ignored it, "Do you want him now?" He asked, now about fifty yards away from Naruto.

The woman, still shaking a little, burst free from Lee's grasp, and began sprinting towards the terrified blonde in front of her, "Yes!" She screamed, "Yes! I want him!"

Forming the seal, Naruto called a shadow clone to his aid. The clone rushed for the woman, diving into her chest and knocking her clean off of the path.

"Naruto, come on!" Lee yelled, running away from the woman, back on track to the hot springs.

Once the two were a substantial distance from the houses, and the woman who had tried to jump him, they slowed down their running to a complete stop.

"What the hell was that all about?" Naruto shouted, breathing heavily and pointing angrily at Lee.

"About fifty yards..." Lee stated, nodding in self-approval, "That's how far the aura reaches!"

"That's what you were doing? Oh...not too bad, then!"

"Of course! With youth on my side, there's no way I can lose!" Lee exclaimed, flashing a thumbs up.

"Alright! Now that we have a solid defense, let's head to the-" Naruto whipped around, walking face first into a big sign that read 'Hyuuga family hot springs'.

"Looks like we're already here," Lee commented, not paying attention to his sprawled-out-on-the-ground friend.

-

"_Neji, I'm asking this of you with the deepest of earnest. You must not let anyone touch Hinata! In the name of both the Head and Branch family, you must protect her innocence with all of your being!"_

_Neji Hyuuga looked into the eyes of the man before him, Hinata's father. The guy looked like he was ready to keel over, the emotions on his face were all distraught, and his voice was a little quivery._

"_If you're so worried, why don't you just cancel the trip? Hinata doesn't even seem all that excited about it, anyway," The teen pointed out, sliding a hand down into his pocket._

"_N-No!" The elder Hyuuga nearly shouted, "I-I mean...no. She has been training very hard as of late, and I feel that she must go and relax for a day...and a night...and some of the next morning..." As he said these words, he paled in shades until he was as white as Lee's teeth._

"_...Are you sure? She could just...rest here, if you'd prefer. I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all. This 'reservation' you made so long ago only just got brought up, so she had to cancel plans of her own to make it. She could just do what she had planned on doing, before..."_

"_Don't be foolish, Neji! But more importantly, don't let Hinata be foolish!" As he said this, he clasped both hands on Neji's shoulders, bringing his face up close to the teen's, "Swear to me on your life! Swear to me that you will not leave Hinata alone with anyone!"_

"_O-OK, I won't...I gotta go, now...she's waiting out front..." With those words, Neji hurried out to meet with Hinata._

_With a sigh, the elder Hyuuga watched his only hope leave, "Damn you, Jiraiya...I don't know what you're up to, but if anything happens to Hinata..."_

"I wonder what that was all about?" Neji whispered to himself, sitting at the end of a redwood bedframe. The room he and Hinata were sharing was like all of the other rooms the springs had to offer. Dark blue carpeting and bed linens, exotic looking potted plants, classy white love seat in front of a cozy fireplace, this place was good to go.

"Did you say something, Neji-kun?" Hinata asked quietly, stepping into the room with nothing but her towel on.

"Just wondering what you'd like to do first, Hinata-sama. Let me change, I'll be ready in a second," With that, he entered the bathroom she had just exited to get undressed.

'_Neji-kun wants to do things with me? I-I hope everything's alright...' _She thought, sitting where he had been a moment ago. She gasped a little as she felt an explosion of heat, and arced her back a little as she exhaled deeply. She had no idea what had caused that feeling, but she wanted to find out more than anything. Completely forgetting about Neji, she left the room, following her gut to the source of that incredible feeling...

_-----Author's other note: Sorry, no fun sexual tension this time. This wound up being a bigger chapter than I thought it would, what with the plot holes I was filling up, so the comedy was kept to a minimum too, I know. But the next chapter will be all about Hinata and her attempts at Naruto's 'innocence', so look forward to that. Thanks for reading...-----_


	4. Why People Go To Hot Springs

_-----Author's note: Sorry for not completing Hinata's turn in one chapter! It would have wound up being way too much for one sit, though, so I decided to split it into two. This one is about her, Naruto, and all those who would get in the way, though, so here you go! Damn, people are either going to hate this chapter or love it. I don't think there's an in-between when it comes to Hinata... I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

The hairs on the back of Naruto's neck stood up on end, and he felt a cold shiver shoot down his spine. He, along with his trusty chastity-belt known as Lee, was soaking in one of the many hot springs found on the base floor of the beautiful lodge. Something in the air, though...it was scaring him. It was like...he thought that it was like what he felt back in the curry restaurant's bathroom, right before Ino attacked him, but this was in another league of its own! If he wasn't sweating from the heat and steam from the springs, he would have been sweating buckets from the pure, unadulterated sexual tension in the air.

Even Lee, who was generally blind to feelings such as the one in the air, froze up and looked around as though an enemy were approaching, "Do you feel that?" He asked in a hushed voice, his eyes slowly scanning the foggy area. All he saw were stones, doors, and steam.

"U-Uh-huh! But...I didn't see a single person inside, other than the old man in charge! I thought that we were the only ones here..." Naruto whispered, backing into the center of the water, where he was least like to be taken by surprise.

Lee did likewise, fists raised into his fighting stance as he continued to stare through the steam like a hawk, "Yes, so did I. I assumed that Gai-sensei had informed the proprietor of our situation, and he had cancelled all other reservations. Perhaps I was wrong, and in reality..."

"Gai's setting me up for a fall! He wants me to go down!" Naruto started to panic.

Lee slapped his blonde friend across the face, "Don't say such things! Gai-sensei would never-"

A sliding door pulled open, and a slender figure stepped out into the hot waters. The silhouette of the person was slowly becoming more defined as it neared, and the more...'womanly' curves gave the girl's gender away before a very familiar voice slid across the water, "He's not the only one who wants you to go down, Naruto-kun..."

Both male's eyes widened as they heard the voice, and both took a step backward. Both were processing what she had just said, and as such, both had little red streams meandering over their lips and dripping into the heated water.

Hinata Hyuuga entered their vision, and was no longer obscured by the steam. A wet towel was wrapped around her gorgeous figure, and not a single inch of her was left to the imagination it was so tight. Well, there was a little left to the imagination, but she quickly answered that question by pulling the towel off to the side, letting it drop into the water.

Lee's head snapped back like he had just taken a crack to the face with a baseball bat. Blood exploded in front of him like he had just been shot by a two pound paint-ball. Never before had anyone had a nosebleed as severe as that one. Naruto had whipped around so as to save himself from the glorious image that would have burned itself into his memory. Hinata was nice to look at, but he respected her enough to not gawk at her, especially since she was only doing this because of the eager-to-go fox inside of him.

"H-H-H-Hina...t-t-ta..." He stuttered, waiting for Lee to jump back up from the water and save him. He was thanking the heavens he had kept his towel on. Originally, it had been because Lee's eyes looked like they enjoyed to wander, but now he had a much better reason. Or...maybe the other reason WAS better...

His back still turned to his fellow genin, all Naruto could hear was Hinata slowly making her way over to him. God, she was moving pretty slow. Ino had just jumped right on, ready to play cowgirl before he could even remember his own name. Without really meaning to, he found that he had turned to look at what was going on.

Lee was on his back, floating on the surface of the water. He had a strange mixture of happiness and pain written across his face. He was out cold, and judging from the sheer amount of blood covering his body, he wasn't going to be getting up for awhile. Naruto shivered in what he prayed was terror when he saw that Hinata was nowhere to be seen.

Sliding her arms over his shoulders and placing her hands on his firm stomach, Hinata pulled into a hug from behind her blonde crush, "Naruto-kun...I've...never been with a man, before..." She whispered, taking a playful nip at his ear as she did so. She didn't know why she was acting this way, but it felt so good she didn't even care, at this point.

Naruto felt his knees go weak, and his head got fuzzy. She was so close...and more than willing to succumb to any desire he had...As he thought this, he wondered if he was gay when the first thing he thought of was having her make him some ramen. _'No! I need to say something, or I'm gonna end up making doodles with her in a bowl of ramen!'_

"S-So...you've b-been with a woman, then?" He stuttered, his strength slowly returning to him through his terrible response to her previous statement.

"I-If you want me to, Naruto-kun..." She closed her eyes a little as she blushed a bit harder, "I think I could convince Tenten to give it a try..." She fell forward, Naruto no longer there to support her. How had he slipped away without her noticing? Ooh...but the chase would make it all the better... She swept her towel up, covered herself and rushed off, following that wonderful feeling while calling out to her crush.

-

"Damn!" Jiraiya shouted, pounding a fist onto the branch beside him, "That would have been great!" Perched up in a tree, binoculars and infrared technology clasped in his hands, the perverted hermit let out a deep sigh as he shook his head in disappointment, pulling the earpiece out.

Kakashi appeared beside his partner-in-crime, a little surprised at the willpower Naruto was displaying. Sure, he knew the guy was hardheaded, but damn! Maybe part of the fun of the day would be in breaking that will...wait, crap, today wasn't supposed to be fun! He felt horrible about all of this, selling out Naruto's innocence, not to mention Hinata's, for his own selfish desires. And by desire, he meant erotica. And by erotica, he meant the next volume of Icha Icha Paradise. Yeah, that settled it. It was all for the greater good.

"So you got the transmitter on him, just like I asked. Good job, number 1," Jiraiya commented, turning a sly grin up at his friend as he tapped the earpiece.

"Nothing I couldn't handle. Stuck it in his hair while he was getting undressed. Luckily for me, you didn't teach him very much," The copy ninja stated bluntly, turning his attention to the hot spring as the door slid open a second time, this time the old innkeeper stepping out.

"You'd better take care of him. Oh, and do something about Lee, too. Then, once you take care of the other Hyuuga, you'll have completed your mission," The lecherous sannin stood up, "I've gotta keep on the move to get the best view. Good luck!"

Kakashi flickered out of sight the same time as Jiraiya did. Now beside the innkeeper, who was asking out loud what all the noise was about, he delivered a quick jab to the neck, rendering the man unconscious. He laid him out on the wooden floor, then made his way over to Lee, who was beginning to stir from his blood-loss induced black out.

"K-Kakashi...is that you?" Lee groaned, slowly getting up on his feet.

"Nope. You're dreaming. Here, take a puff of this, you'll feel better," The jounin handed his rival's apprentice the alcohol inhaler he had gotten from Anko. What a night that had been...

"Wh-What is it? Medicine?"

"Well, it makes pain go away, and it's the best cure I can think of for ugly, so...sure."

Lee lifted the inhaler to his mouth, and pushed the button in. His face flared up as the alcohol hit, and he raised a finger before saying, "G-Gai-sensei...I don't...don't think you should see him anymore...He...He's bad for you..." He fell face first, drunk out of his mind.

"Wait...WHAT?" Surely, he had misheard, or at least misunderstood. Chapter 18 had been solid guy/girl, guy/girl/girl, and girl/girl/girl/girl/girl. (AN: Don't get mad, ladies, I found that offensive, too! Enough to interrupt the story, sorry.)

Dragging Lee over to the innkeeper, Kakashi smirked a little, "She showed me how to get enough in there to make even me a little tipsy. Even if you DO go kinda psycho when you get a sip of the stuff, you definitely won't be going psycho, this time," He set the defeated Lee beside the innkeeper, and turned to walk away. He had gone a few steps before he wheeled around and bent down to grab Lee's hand. He set the youthful hand on the old man's bottom, and stepped back to look at the scene. He nodded in approval, snickering a little bit, "You know, no matter how many times I see it done, it's always funny. Ah, maybe today WILL be a fun day..."

-

It had been a little over ten seconds since Naruto had fled the hot spring to seek refuge inside the lodge, but he was darting around so fast that he was completely dry, and his towel was getting there. He could hear her only a few steps behind, though, so he never stopped moving. Speeding through the halls of the five story building, he knew that at some point or other, he would be able to get the fifty yards he needed in-between the two of them. In fact, he had a great idea as to how to shake her loose...

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!" He shouted, forming the seal. Three copies popped into sight around him, and they all split up to take different paths down the four-way intersection of the halls. "Try and catch me, now!" The four laughed, all while still running for dear life.

Hinata, producing three kunai from God knows where, slashed at the throat of the Naruto that tried to dash past her, and threw the other two out to the sides and down the halls. One Naruto fell to the ground with a nice section of his throat ripped out, vanishing in a cloud of smoke. The other two took kunais to the back of the head, disappearing with a pleasant popping noise. The remaining Naruto, the real one, saw all of that happen as he looked over his shoulder, still pumping hard to get away.

"Oh my God!" He shouted, tears leaking from his eyes. He wasn't sure if he was seeing bloodlust or just good old natural lust in her eyes.

"Naruto-kun! Wh-Where are you going?" She called after him, "I want to-"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Naruto began to chant, covering his ears while trying to think of an incredible turnoff. His mind struck upon Gai in a speedo, and he was pretty sure he would never have to worry about having babies, because he'd never be able to get it u-

A flying tackle from behind cut his thoughts short, the two rolling around on the ground for a few long seconds before they came to a stop, Hinata perched on top of our unfortunately fortunate hero. Still a little dazed from the tackle, he didn't have time to push her off of him before she was working on the knot at his side to free him of the damnable towel...

"Hinata-sama? Are you over here? What's with all of the..." Neji, now wearing only a towel, turned the corner, not sure what he was going to find. Hinata had just run off without a word, and then he had heard all of these noises. It sounded like a chase, and he was half-expecting a battle. What he saw, however, was something he never would have imagined.

"NARUTO! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Neji roared, stomping across the fifteen foot gap between them.

"Neji! Th-Thank God! You've gotta-" The helpless blonde ninja didn't get to finish his sentence before an angry kick was directed to the side of his face.

"How dare you try and do such a thing to Hinata-sama? I'm ashamed of you," The male Hyuuga spoke in a condescending tone, shaking his head as he took Hinata's arm and lifted her off of Naruto. He wasn't really paying attention to the fact that she was the one on top. He turned his back to the lecherous shinobi, still grasping Hinata's arm.

"B-But it wasn't my fault!"

"You expect me to believe that Hinata suddenly went sex-crazed, and jumped you? If you really knew her, you would know that was one of the most ridiculous things you could ever say. Hmpf, like sensei like pupil..."

"Ah! Neji, help me!"

Clenching his fists in anger...huh? Neji looked at his hands, which had a lack of Hinata's arm in them. He spun around, his eyes near popping out of his head when he saw that his cousin was back on top of Naruto, doing her damned best to get the towel off. He couldn't believe it! Naruto was the one trying to stop her, not the other way around!

Realizing Neji wasn't going to be a lot of help, the likely-to-be molested ninja formed a seal, creating a shadow clone to save him. The clone grabbed Hinata, jerking her off of Naruto, who scrambled to his feet and behind Neji. He watched in horror as Hinata broke free from the iron grip of his shadow ally, spinning around to throw a kick up between his legs. The clone didn't even get a chance to vanish. He took a 'gentle' fist to the chest, and was sent flying across the room. He busted through the wall and flew out over some of the springs, disappearing before he made contact with the water.

Glowing sexual frustration and danger, Hinata turned a needful look to Naruto, who shrunk behind Neji as though he could save him from what was coming his way.

-

Jiraiya, from his new spot on the other side of the lodge, watched as the clone burst through the wall and plummeted on down. He opened his mouth, "Holy shi-"

-

"Hinata-sama! What is the meaning of this?" Neji practically shouted, doing his best to keep his mouth from hanging agape. He could feel Naruto trembling behind him, and he was up as close as possible, trying to use Neji as a shield. His eyes went wide as he felt something against him, down low, "That had better be a kunai, you son of a bitch..."

Naruto quickly backed off a step, muttering an apology.

Hinata saw, due to a mysterious bulging of his towel, why her blonde sex god had quickly backed away, and squealed, "N-Naruto-kun! Is that for me? What a thoughtful present to give..." Her face was a deep red, and it looked like she was gonna keel over at any second she was trembling so much.

"What did you do to Hinata-sama?" Neji turned to look at Naruto, who tried to speak, but found his voice rendered useless at the sight of Hinata dropping her towel. The male Hyuuga turned to see what Naruto was near paralyzed for, and his mouth fell open as his eyes landed on his cousin's naked form.

They both stood there, stunned out of their wits as the white-eyed beauty closed the gap between the two, a grin on her red face, "I think I know what the problem is, Naruto-kun..."

Neji took a step back in uncertainty so that he was beside Naruto. Both could see something terrifying in those pearly white eyes, something terrifying indeed.

"You're too sh-shy to go it alone, aren't you, Naruto-kun?" The girl asked in her timid voice, her hands shooting out to the two before her. Both pairs of eyes went wider than either thought possible as Hinata grabbed a handful of man in both hands, "Neji-kun can help you. Right, Neji-kun?"

-

"INCEST!" Jiraiya practically fell out of the tree as he screamed, "Hey, wait! No, don't run! Kakashi, fix this!"

-

Naruto tore around the corner, slipping and rolling once before dashing away at breakneck speed. Neji was right behind him, tears streaming from his eyes as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. When he couldn't, he decided to just ask, "What the hell's going on? What kind of sick jutsu did you use on her?"

"You think this is MY fault?"

"What else could it be? She would never act like this of her own volition!"

Naruto dove forward, slamming his shoulder into the wall before the two as the hall ended, breaking through to the outside world. He fell the two stories he was up to land belly first in one of the hot springs. Neji landed on top of him, both scrambling to get back on land before Hinata caught up. Unfortunately for them, she was waiting at the water's edge, still grinning mischievously.

Looking for something to save himself, all Naruto had to work with was water, he quickly found. He swung a hand down at the water, creating a big splash which drenched Hinata.

"N-N-Naruto-ku-u-un...you got me all wet!" The girl exclaimed, not sure if she wanted to faint or push forward.

-

"Say it comes naturally! For the love of God!" Jiraiya was cheering his inept pupil on, holding his hand up to the earpiece as he listened to every last word spoken.

-

Neji was about to do whatever he needed to put a stop to this insanity, but a rock sped out of the steam and struck him in the head, knocking him clean out. Naruto gaped at his friend, who was now lying against one of the spring's stone edges.

-

"Well, THAT was easier than I thought it would be..." Kakashi muttered, juggling two rocks in his hand as he watched everything unfold from a safe distance.

-

Hinata pushed Naruto down, not even remotely concerned for Neji, at the moment. She had found him, chased him, caught him, talked with him, and now it was time to make like bunnies on speed.

"H-H-Hinata! Wait, don't do this! Y-you're gonna hate me forever if you go through with it!" Naruto tried to push her away as she positioned herself over him, leaning in for a kiss. Thank God she had put her towel back on before chasing after him and Neji.

"No, Naruto-kun. That's not the thing at all...I...I love you..." She whispered, still coming in for the kiss.

All thought left his mind at that moment. No one before, even under the mating aura's power, had ever said that to him. She pressed her lips against his, and he wrapped his arms around her. It felt like his skin was on fire, even though he knew he was wet. His soul took off, flying on cloud nine. He pressed against her, rolling over so that he was on top.

'_Man, I know this is wrong, but I don't even care, anymore!'_

Not willing to waste time trying to untie the towel anymore, Hinata simply cut through the knot with her last kunai. The rest, good people, shall never be spoken of.

-

Jiraiya, drooling all over himself as he watched her cut through the knot with the kunai, laughed heartily to himself, "Success! I knew I could pull it off! Now for the best part...hey, wait, what the hell?"

-

Two rocks sliced through the steam, moving like bullets straight into their intended targets. Naruto, just before he ripped Hinata's towel off, took a crack in the forehead, falling backwards, unconscious. As she watched in unbearable anticipation for the towel to fall away, Hinata felt something crash into the back of her head, sending her straight into dreamland.

Kakashi put his video recorder away, shaking his head as he approached the two, "Damn, I just couldn't go through with it, after all. I hope he got enough for the next volume, though..."

Jiraiya, realizing he had been betrayed, snapped his fingers with a groan, "I should have known he wouldn't go through with it! Mark my words, Kakashi...I WILL have Naruto become a man, one day, and he WILL help me in my research! This is far from over, traitor!" He flickered out of sight, planning the next plot for his studies...

-

Naruto sat up with a groan, rubbing his incredibly sore head. He was in his apartment, and Lee was asleep on the floor beside his bed. "Ugh, how did I...what the...that was one crazy dream...huh, I guess that's why people go to hot springs, after all..." He laid his throbbing head back onto his pillow, letting himself drift back off to sleep.

Kakashi grinned through the boy's window, looking fondly at the tape recorder in his hand as he hopped from building to building, "Good thing Hinata won't remember any of this, she'd be crushed. With any luck, Neji and Lee will just let it die, and take it for a dream, too."

He dropped into an alley, blending in with the shadows as he stroked the camcorder, "One day, Naruto, I'll show this to you. Until then, you'll just have to believe it was a dream. Unless you ever figure out the password to get onto my website..."

_-----Author's note: The Hinata chapter is now complete, and I've either made some fans, or some enemies. Stripped her of her innocence, for one thing...Anyway, that's not what I'm here to say._

_For the next chapter, I don't know what to do. So, in an effort to get my mind jumping, I'm going to let you guys vote on which girl gets to go next. DON'T STOP READING RIGHT HERE! Don't leave your vote in a review, because I WILL NOT count it. Send me a PM saying which girl you want to go next, and the girl who gets the most PM votes will have the next chapter! Why do it this way? It'll be easier for me to count the total votes, I think there will be more votes, I mean come on, it'll only take a minute, and lastly, only good readers will vote, because most people are too damn lazy...Just do it because I said! Again, I will not count votes left in any reviews. _

_Voting options:_

_**A) Ayame**_

_**B) Tenten**_

_**C) Sakura**_

_**D) Temari**_

_**E) Anko**_

_**F) Other (You'll have to tell me)**_

_Alright, cool. Now I'm going to apologize for the level of crudeness displayed in this chapter._

_1. I do NOT endorse incest, although in certain circumstances, such as this, I think it can be funny._

_2. Speed is a drug, and I do NOT endorse it! But whatever floats your boat..._

_3. The comment about the guy/girl, guy/girl/girl, and girl/girl/girl/girl/girl, suggests that Gai was an all-star pervert. I'm not a Gai-hater, I like him, even though it probably sounds like I don't like him._ _Don't hate me for my bad jokes, ladies! I'm sorry!_

_4. I do NOT, I repeat, do NOT endorse speedos. Once again, not a Gai-hater._

_5. I know, I ended it almost...NOT comedically. Hinata and Naruto seemed like they could use a moment, though. Oh, and don't be pissed at me for not letting them make doodles in the hot springs...or remember what actually happened. Yeah, you thought they had, didn't you? Be mad at Kakashi, not me._

_Well, thanks for reading, and don't forget to send me a PM vote!-----_


	5. CBOY

_-----Author's note: Alright my brothers and sisters, here's how the voting went down (Remember, I only counted the ones from private messages (I spelled it out because I didn't want to type 'pms'. Oh, wait, crap...):_

_8 - 7 - 6. Ino, Kurenai, and Hinata each with one vote._

_5 - 4. Tenten and Ayame, with 3 votes. Ayame did better than I thought she would!_

_3. Sakura, with 4 votes. This is good, as she'd probably make a good finale._

_2 - 1. Yeah, we have a tie. I keep getting votes every day or two which either ties these two up, or puts one ahead until the next vote comes in. The cut off line of my patience has been reached, however, so I will be the deciding vote between Temari and Anko, each of who have 8 votes. I vote for...well, I wanted to use Temari, at first, but I think Anko sounds better, so I choose Anko. I'll also be handling Tenten in this one, for those who care. Should be a good time..._

_Before I get to the Anko-esque goodness...It's ok, you don't have to read the rest of the author's note if you don't want, go ahead and start the chapter, it's just a thank you. _

_I want to thank everyone here for putting this in over ten different C2s, for having 50+ people put this in their favorites, for over one hundred reviews, and for ten thousand hits! Not to mention having over a hundred people put this on their alerts! You guys kick ass. Or rock, whichever you prefer. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Hinata...no...you're doing it wrong..."

Lee sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he looked around for the voice that had disturbed his sleep.

"You've gotta...blow it more, first..."

Our favorite green spandex wearing friend felt himself tremble a little as he heard those words, and realized that it was Naruto talking in his sleep. Maybe sleeping on the floor beside the teen's bed wasn't all that great of an idea, after all. Not if he was going to be having those kinds of dreams. He looked over to the clock. It was already seven? The sun was coming up, he now noticed. What had happened yesterday that had him exhausted? And what was going on with his throbbing head? He felt like he had...but that was impossible. He didn't drink alcohol.

"If you want the juice...you gotta suck...the...Hinata...you're so cute..."

Lee's eyes widened a little as his mind fell into the forbidden zone, and he shot up while shouting, "Naruto! That's TOO youthful!"

Startled, Naruto tumbled out of the bed and fell at his guard's feet, "Hey!" He grumbled loudly, "Why did you do that? I was having a really good dream, too..."

"It was TOO good, Naruto! How can you expect to save your chastity if you act like that in your sleep?"

"My what?" Naruto climbed back into bed, hoping the dream would start back up from where it had left off. He was just about to hit the climax of pleasure, as he remembered it.

"Y-Your...you know, innocence! Purity! Wholesomeness!" Lee struggled to think of a polite way to say it, hand to his chin.

"You sound like that funky cult down the street. I keep meaning to ask old lady Hokage to look into it, but I keep forgetting..."

"Naruto, I mean you can't be dreaming about..."

Naruto opened his eyes back up to look at his friend, who was having a difficult time with it, but looked like he was about to say something he didn't want to.

"About what?"

"You can't be dreaming about deflowering Hinata! It's wrong, and you know it!" Lee had his finger thrust at Naruto, who looked like a train was about to run him over.

"What are you talking about?" He shouted, jumping out of the bed to place it between him and his accuser, "I wasn't dreaming about anything like that! We were eating ramen at Ichiraku's, for God's sake!"

"Oh, so when you said she had to blow it more, you meant...right, what was I thinking? Sorry, Naruto!" He started to laugh as though everything was ok, but the blonde wasn't ready to leave it at that.

"And don't you preach to me about not deflowering anyone! You think I don't hear you in your sleep? 'Ah...Ah...'" Naruto did his best impression of Lee's voice, "'Don't stop yet, baby, keep going! I'll show you what youth really is, Tenten...Ooh..."

"Th-Th-That was...training! I-I-I even t-train in my dreams!"

"Training for what? The mattress tag tourney? Have you talked to Tenten about being your partner, yet?"

"Naruto! That's going too far! Tenten is a nice girl, and she would never play mattress tag in a tournament! W-Wait, neither would I!" Lee was pacing the room now, casting upset glances at Naruto every now and then.

"So it's not for the tourney?" Naruto was pleased with himself from changing the subject off of his celibacy to his friend's. He wondered if there really were mattress tag tourneys somewhere...

"Of course not!" Lee practically collapsed from the blonde's stupid question.

"It's not training, then, it's just for fun?"

"Exact...No! Th-The point is...why were you dreaming about Hinata, anyway? We haven't even seen her in weeks..." The bob-haired ninja asked quietly.

"Huh. That's a good question," Unknown to the two of them, only yesterday they had come very close to committing various (mis)deeds with the Hyuuga girl. Subconsciously, Naruto's memory was kicking into overtime to create a very pleasant dream with the girl, that may (would) have ended up being the greatest dream of his young life. The contents of said dream will be left unspoken, as is fitting such private things. "Do you think maybe I want to see her?"

"Even if that is it, you can't. At least not until Gai-sensei can figure out a way to stop the nine-tailed fox's mating aura, or it wears off on its own. Oh! I just remembered something really important!" Lee dove under Naruto's bed, rummaging around for only God knows what.

"Um, what are you looking for under MY bed?"

"I put it under here so I wouldn't lose it, but I wound up forgetting about it, altogether. Gai-sensei gave it to me and said it would be helpful, but only use it as a last resort. Here it is!" Lee rose from the ground, holding above his head a pair of iron underpants, complete with chains and a lock.

"What the hell is that?" Naruto asked, hardly able to look at the monstrosity. It seemed to suck up all nearby light, and banish it to a darkness stoked with loneliness.

As if he could read his friend's thoughts, Lee answered, "That, my friend, is the power of the chastity belt! With it, you definitely won't be making doodles ever!"

"You're out of your mind if you think I'm going to wear that steel thong. It isn't gonna happen, no way. I'd rather have every girl in Konoha do with me as they please. ...Lee, um, why are we trying to keep that from happening, again?" At the thought of every girl, a few in particular, at his every desire and he at theirs, he immediately questioned the benefit of 'succeeding'.

Again, as though he could read the blonde's thoughts, Lee shook his head, "Don't think like that, Naruto! Such as this untainted steel, you, too, must stay clean!" Moving so fast he might as well have never left the spot as far as Naruto was concerned, Lee had stripped him of his clothes, locked on the belt, and redressed him. Once the roar of wind the ninja had kicked up from his speed settled down, Naruto looked down to find himself clad in iron underwear.

"Oh, you did not just do that..." The blonde mumbled, shivering under the cold embrace of one of the most dastardly inventions of mankind.

"It's for the greater good, Naruto. You'll thank me, someday."

"I'm standing here in a thirty pound, cold as Sakura's shoulder, piece of crap chastity belt! Don't you even think for a second that this is a greater good! And, hey, this is pointless! The kunoichi here will be able to pick this freaking lock," Naruto snapped his fingers, "Like that! In fact..." He began the task of breaking himself free.

"Don't bother, Naruto. This isn't any ordinary chastity belt, oh no. This is the C-BOY!" Lee struck the nice guy pose, the flash of light from his teeth sending Naruto reeling, crumpling to the ground.

"What the...a C-Boy? What's that mean?" He asked from the ground, hands over his eyes until he felt the heat from the shimmering teeth vanish.

"The C-BOY is the ultimate tool for keeping from getting deflowered, or deflowering someone! The C-BOY is a revolutionary invention from Gai-sensei, cleverly named, as well. The Chastity Belt Of Youth is its full name, but everyone just calls it the C-BOY!" Lee's eyes were sparkling as he spoke, which confused the living hell out of Naruto.

"Why would Gai make something like this? I...I can't get it off!" He was currently rolling around on the ground pulling at the thing, when picking the lock proved impossible.

"I'm not entirely sure, actually. I believe he said something about having made some mistakes in the past...something about a chapter 18, but I don't know what he meant. He was pretty vague. Anyway, you can't get it off. Only I can take it off, now that I've put it on," Lee stated simply, folding his arms as he began to leave the room. It was time for breakfast, his rumbling stomach told him.

Naruto hurried after him to the kitchen, "What do you mean only you can take it off?"

"I mean that only I can take it off," Lee replied casually, breaking an egg on the side of a pan, "The C-BOY records the fingerprints of the person who locked it, and will only open when the same fingers try to pull it off. Gai-sensei only has three of these, because they need so much chakra to be imbued when they're created. I don't know if he'll ever be able to pay Tsunade-sama back for her help...Ah, what am I saying? Gai-sensei can do anything!"

Naruto pulled his pants away from his waist to look down at the monstrosity guarding his loins, his eyes watering up a little, "Then I'll just break it off! A rasengan should get me free!" Before he summoned the shadow clone to give him a hand with the technique, Lee shook his head with a little chuckle.

"Naruto, it just isn't that simple. It may look like ordinary metal, but there's enough concentrated chakra in the C-BOY to blow up half of Konoha! It's virtually indestructible, as expected of Gai-sensei."

"But how am I gonna go to the bathroom with this thing on?" Naruto asked, banging his head on the counter.

"The C-BOY scans your insides for all traces of...waste, and releases small amounts of chakra to remove all of it without a single bit of mess. It's actually very useful when you're training!" Lee let the egg yolk fall from the cracked shell and into the pan.

Naruto listened as the egg hissed in the pan, a large frown crawling across his unhappy face, "I want to die..."

"Don't talk like that, Naruto! We still have morning training after this!"

-

"I can't stand morning training," Tenten sighed, laying down in the grass to watch the clouds. She had been at the old training grounds for over an hour, and was getting bored, fast. "I especially can't stand morning training when my teacher doesn't even show up!" The girl exclaimed, rubbing her head with both hands in frustration.

"Well, I'm sorry to have caused you so much grief," A relaxed voice broke into Tenten's attention, "If it was so bad, why didn't you just go back home?"

Tenten sat up, looking over her shoulder to find Anko, who had a little smirk plastered across her face. She looked both surprised and displeased at the same time. Her coat hung loosely over her shoulders, and was left undone to come mighty close to exposing herself beneath her mesh shirt. "Are you kidding me? Kurenai-sensei would be pretty mad if I backed out of the training session she set up, with you. She says you know your way around weapons better than she does, and that there's a thing or two for you to show me. I might not want to be here, but I'd much rather deal with you than an angry Kurenai-sensei."

Anko laughed a little, raising a hand to her mouth, "And you think I want to be here? I'm only doing this because I owed the lady a favor...a keep your damn mouth shut favor...so don't think you've got it any worse than me, 'cause I don't want to hear it."

The two glared at each other for a few painfully long seconds. Tenten was doing her best to stand her ground against the intimidating woman whom she hadn't been exposed to much beyond the chuunin exams, which hadn't left her with the greatest impression. Still, something about her was as scary as hell, and that's why she ended up losing the staring contest.

"Alright, let's start," The girl sighed, rubbing her arms to make the goose bumps go away as she stood up.

"That's what I thought. Alright, so what toys are you packing?" Anko asked airily, taking her temporary pupil's spot in the grass.

"The _weapons _I brought are-"

"I didn't ask you what weapons you brought, now did I? We've gotten off on the wrong foot, which may or may not be my fault, who's to say?"

'_I say,' _Tenten thought bitterly.

"So, to show you that I can be a fun person and maybe even like an older sister, I'm going to train you in something...well, I suppose it could involve weapons. Actually, if done right, it's best that way," Anko reached into her coat's pocket, a wide grin spreading across her face as she pulled out the object she was thinking of.

Tenten looked at the odd thing held before her. She hadn't seen anything like it, before, and wasn't sure what to make of it. It was...odd, to say the least.

"So, Ten-chan, can you tell me what this is?" Anko asked, holding back the snickers as she waved the object back and forth.

"A...purple pickle?" The younger girl asked quietly, rubbing the back of her neck, "It doesn't look all that fun, to me, for a toy. But...hey, we're supposed to be training with weapons!"

"Oh, I can assure you it is a very fun toy, little sister. As far as it being a weapon, well...let's just say that it can render certain targets unable to move, if used properly...It's called a..." She trailed off, looking around for the sound of a distant disturbance, "What is that?"

"I-I don't know, but you were making the purple weapon sound pretty good, keep going," Tenten urged, sitting down to listen.

"Well, like I was saying...the real problem you're going to have with using this tool is in keeping your target, typically a female although there are some _special _cases, quiet. That's why we use one of my other favorite tools," Anko, from out of another pocket, pulled out a roll of duct tape, "To keep them quiet. It's also handy for keeping them still."

"I see," Tenten muttered, writing down what Anko was saying as she nodded a little bit. She had to raise her voice to get over the sound of the disturbance, which neither one was too sure of the source.

"It's best used as a means of interrogation, when outright violence isn't an option. I think that the only way for you to learn to use this handy toy is if I demonstrate it on you," Anko's lips curled into a sneer as she pulled a length of duct tape out, eyeing the pretty girl before her in a manner that had the girl trembling a little.

"Uh, a-are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you could just...you know, e-explain it to me, that should be fine!" Tenten stuttered a little as she began to back away, staring into the frightening eyes that were looking her over. She also found herself staring at the purple pickle-ish object in her 'teacher's' hand, which she was beginning to think was a devious weapon for the most forbidden kinds of torture. But she had to admit, she was intrigued as to how one would utilize such a pathetic looking weapon into something as lethal as Anko made it sound.

"Now, now, little sister...do as teacher says..." The jounin purred, pulling the duct tape out a little further as she inched closer to her cowering victim, "Kurenai won't be happy if she finds out you were being difficult..."

Tenten slowed her retreat. That was true... "I-It isn't gonna hurt, is it?"

"...Maybe a little, at first. If after one minute you want me to stop, I will," Anko stated with a chuckle. The noise from earlier was growing louder, maybe even taking on a recognizable feature. Both girls felt a little shiver shoot through their bodies, followed by a flash of heat which made both gasp a little as the pleasure pulsed through their very veins, "Ooh, and we haven't even started yet!" Anko laughed, excited.

"Is that...Naruto?" Tenten asked, staring at a figure flying through the sky. The soaring shape was probably only about forty yards away, and was screaming loudly as it came speeding towards the two. It WAS Naruto, they both found out as the boy collided with Anko, sending the two sprawling to the ground and sliding several yards before coming to a stop.

Naruto groaned loudly, rubbing the back of his head as he pushed himself up into a sitting position, "That Lee...taking sparring way too serious, again. Oh! Sorry for knocking you down, like that. I..." The blonde froze, goose bumps shooting up all over as he saw who he had flown into. She was in a sitting position, about two feet away from him, looking at him really hard, a grin spread across her lips.

"You should be sorry for knocking me down, Naruto-kun. I'll forgive you if you knock me up, this time..." The jounin whispered, starting the short crawl over to Naruto, who was shaking in his thirty pound chastity belt.

The troublesomely alluring teen turned to try and scramble away from the woman, but only managed to plant his face firmly in Tenten's chest, who squealed as he did, "Naruto-kun! That's so forward of you!" She wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him in as hard as she could, leaning back so as to pull him on top of her.

The wind was forced out of him as she wrapped her legs around him, pulling him in even harder, "Right here, with her watching!" The girl spoke breathlessly, releasing Naruto's head so she could get at his lips with her own. A task that she found to be both impressively easy, and immensely satisfying.

"Hey!" Anko yelled, grabbing the back of Naruto's orange jacket and lifting him into the air as she glared at the gasping girl on the ground, "He flew into me, so I get to go first! You watch!" The jounin dropped Naruto to the ground, who was still a little weak in the legs from Tenten's kiss. It was wrong. It was definitely wrong as hell. But good, mighty God did it feel right...

Before Anko could pounce on top of what might be the most alluring sex toy of all time disguised as a teenaged blonde, she felt the air currents around her shift, and her arm shot up over her shoulder to catch a kick aimed at the side of her head. She wrapped her fingers around the ankle of her assailant, and swung him around full circle before flinging him to the ground behind Naruto.

Lee flipped midair, skidding to a stop all while kicking up dust. He flung several smoke bombs in front of Naruto, shielding them both from sight as they attempted an escape, "Naruto, come on!" The youthful teen shouted, grabbing his friend's arm as he lunged up into the air.

Just when they both thought that they might stand a chance of getting the fifty yards they needed, a snake exploded from the smoke, sinking its fangs into Lee's leg, pulling him down into the murky area below, "Save yourself!" Was the last thing that he said before vanishing completely in the darkness. With a heavy heart, Naruto landed a short distance from the smoke, and started the dash to save himself.

Anko, with the wave of her hand, dispersed the smoke in an angry show of sheer power. She glared down at the injured Lee, who was looking back up at her with defiant eyes.

"Tenten!" The jounin shouted, pointing at the boy on the ground, "Get him out of the way, then come find Naruto and myself! We'll continue our lesson with him as our helper!" The woman vanished, chasing after the pure feeling she was picking up coming from the teen.

Lee tried to get up to follow, but Tenten pushed him back to the ground. Working together with Anko was the best way to get what she wanted, and she knew it. She could afford to share, so long as she got enough game time.

"Tenten, you can't do this!" Lee practically yelled, but he was trying his best to keep under control.

"Lee, I need your help," Tenten stated simply, putting her hands on her knees as she bent over a little to look him in the eye.

"There is no way I'll ever help you with that! You're only acting this way because-"

"If you help me with this, I'll get you, too, right after."

Lee opened his mouth, but no words came out. He raised a finger and tried to speak again, but no words came out for the second time. ...Ok, he needed to slow everything down, and really concentrate on not only speaking, but on what he was actually going to say. Sure, he had been experiencing strange feelings for Tenten for awhile, now, but this was definitely not the way to act on them! He needed to explain to her why she was behaving this way, that he would NEVER take advantage of her, and that he had real feelings for her.

Rock Lee opened exhaled deeply. He was now poised, and knew what he needed to say, "Tenten...me first, and then I'll help you get Naruto!"

...Wait! Dammit, that wasn't right! That's not what he meant to say, at all!

"Alright, alright, get those pants off!" Tenten shouted, dropping to her knees as she began working on his clothes.

He didn't know if it was because it was Tenten, or because of his amazing youthfulness, or whatever else, but suddenly rationality had gone right out the door. Naruto didn't exist at the moment, and the same went for the nine-tailed fox's aura. In a flash, his clothes were on the ground beside him, and he was hastily working on Tenten's shirt. She brushed his arms aside, however, backing up a little. That's when everything fell apart. Fell apart magnificently.

Problem number one: "L-Lee, what is that thing?"

Lee looked down to find that he wasn't quite undressed all the way, and his head practically exploded when he saw what he was wearing. Gai-sensei had three of his incredible inventions. One for himself, one was a spare, and one for his favorite pupil. Lee was currently wearing one of the three C-BOY monstrosities, and only Gai could remove it, which he said he would not do until the boy turned man at eighteen.

Lee fell to his knees, fists raised to the heavens as he let out a cry, "GAI-SENSE-E-E-E-I-I-I-I!"

Problem number two: "L-Lee, why are you half-naked?" Tenten asked sheepishly, covering her eyes and turning around.

Lee ceased his drawn out cry to the skies above, and his eyes went wider than even he thought they could. Naruto must have gotten over fifty yards in-between himself and Tenten, which meant that she was back to her normal self!

"W-WHY ARE MY CLOTHES COMING OFF?" The girl roared, realizing that she was damn close to half naked, herself, "Did you do this?"

Problem number three: Tenten had brought her summoning scrolls.

-

Swimming in nothingness, drifting in black, sleeping through life...it was nice, for a change. No big worries, nothing that needed any attention, just time to relax and reflect on life as a ninja. Why did he not have ninja clothes like the guys on tv, or in movies? You know the kind, the bad-ass midnight black clothes? But no, he was stuck in orange. Granted, he had a black t-shirt, but he had always had an affinity for orange which kept him from changing. Speaking of changing, he was gonna have to change into something a little warmer. It felt like there was a nasty draft...

Naruto's eyes popped open. He was staring up at a dark ceiling, lying naked on a cold table. He tried to move, but his arms and legs were strapped down by...was that duct tape?

"Ah...s-so...you finally w...wake up..." He heard a familiar voice, though it sounded as though she had just run around the world she was so out of breath. Anko stepped from the darker end of the room into view, wearing the most revealing 'clothes' Naruto had ever seen. He quickly clenched his eyes shut, trying not to think about her figure in those black leather straps...Ooh, but it wasn't going too well. Was that a whip she had been holding? She had looked to be a bit on the sweaty side, as well.

"Oh my God! Don't do this!" Naruto tried to beg, eyes still shut.

"D-Do? ...Phew...baby, you've got some s-serious...recollection...t-to do..." He felt Anko lay down beside him on the table. Since there wasn't very much room, she was more or less laying half on top of him.

"Wh-What did you do to me?" He opened his eyes, looking down to the rest of himself to make sure he was alright. His face went blank when he found that the C-BOY was still clasped firmly to his waist.

"Th-there's only a few things...ah...that we didn't do...maybe I shouldn't have drugged you so bad...so you could remember...y-you were actually pretty f-feisty..." Anko sighed deeply, too tired to even do anymore. She wanted to, but there was just nothing left in the tank.

"But I'm still wearing the C-BOY! And I'm tied to a table!"

"N-Naruto-ku-u-un...even with the belt...you can still get the j-job done...And it was your i-idea to get on the table..." The woman trembled a little as she said this, as though she were remembering something that Naruto now wanted to remember really, REALLY badly.

"How long have I been in here?" He asked, panicked.

Anko tried to reply, but passed out before she could.

"W-Wait! Untie me, first!" Naruto shouted, trying to break free, but unable to do so.

"Well, well, well. So you were in here, after all."

The blonde ninja turned to the sound of the familiar voice, amazed to find none other than Kakashi descend the shady stairs and enter Anko's basement, which was decked out with various 'instruments' of varying uses.

"Kakashi-sensei! Thank God, you've gotta get me out of here! I can't remember a thing, and I don't even know how long I've been in here! Quick, untie me before she wakes up!"

Kakashi, with a slight chuckle, strode across the room and ripped through the tape with a kunai, "Well Naruto, I can certainly say that it's a good thing you put that ridiculous underwear on. It looks like even Anko wasn't able to get it off."

Naruto hopped off of the table, looking everywhere for his clothes. He spotted them on the floor a few yards away, and quickly put them back on.

"And if you're really interested in how long you've been in here...well, you went missing about..." Kakashi looked at the black clock on the wall, "About 32 hours ago."

Naruto's mouth dropped open, but the first thing that came to his mind and out through his gaping mouth was, "How did I survive that long without eating anything?"

"Oh, I'm sure there was plenty of eating, on your part," Kakashi admitted, folding his arms and nodding a little bit.

"What did that mean?"

"Uh...o-only that...I'm sure Anko fed you well enough to keep your energy up. Yeah, that's what I meant. Now...come on, let's go see Lee and get that God forsaken thing off of you. If Gai made it, then it can't be trusted and you must never, EVER, wear it again."

The two began the climb up the stairs, "So, Lee's alright? I kind of had to ditch him to get away...not that it worked all that well," Naruto was trying his best to remember what had happened during those 32 hours with Anko, but he just couldn't. He hoped he would, one day.

"Actually, Lee had a mixup of sorts with Tenten, and he's been in the hospital ever since we found him. That's how we found out you were missing, actually."

"If you knew that I was missing because of Anko, why couldn't you find me sooner?" Naruto yelled, throwing open the door at the top of the stairs.

"Anko is a tricky person. She has a lot of hiding places like this one that we don't know about...Anyway, get back to your house and I'll bring Lee over later to get that thing off of you," Kakashi waved goodbye to Naruto as the teen hurried to the safety of his home.

"Plus, if I had busted in ten minutes after you had gone missing, I wouldn't have gotten all of that great footage," The copy ninja grinned wide, cradling his video camera in his arm, "Damn, I'm gonna have to up the rate for my site, with this bad boy!"

_-----Author's other note: Sorry for the long delay in-between chapters, for this one. The votes kept switching people out, so I had a hard time getting a real idea going. Also, I found out that someone had been plagiarizing Mating Season, and that one kind of threw me off a little bit. I'm just glad that someone brought it to my attention so that I could correct that mistake. If you want credit for a story, then sit down and write one. Don't steal other people's work, especially mine, because I'll kick your ass. Through the computer. Yeah. If you'd like to share it with other people off of this site, then simply ask me for permission, tell me where it's going, and give me credit, and it's all good as far as I'm concerned._

_Well, thanks for reading...-----_


	6. The Desert's Dessert

_-----Author's note: This chapter will focus on the vote's runner up, everyone's favorite sand goddess, Temari!_ _But a suggestion from a certain Ambrant Arandel has convinced me to add someone else to the chase, as you will see shortly. I'll give him credit at the end._ _I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Man, this has got to be one of the worst missions we've ever gotten."

"It's not that bad, and it serves a purpose."

The purpose of the said mission was to gather information concerning the development and strength of Konoha's young ninjas, to help gauge the village's future strength as an ally. The three on the mission were of an ally to Konoha, and they were openly let into the village to make their observations. They were supposed to be helping out in the academy's classes, but they hadn't gotten much done, honestly.

"Wet nursing doesn't suit me, ok? And as far as purpose goes, I could be doing more meaningful things with my hand down my pants."

A mighty swing of a closed fan found its way upside the gruff teen's head, sending him to the ground face first. Several nearby children laughed and pointed at the spectacle.

Gaara of the desert, currently serving as a jungle-gym for fourteen small children, turned his eyes lazily to his sister and brother, Temari and Kankuro respectively. His brother was laying on the ground, eyes swirling around as Temari stood over him, pointing and telling him what a scumbag he was, and how he needed to grow up.

Gaara had come a long way since his lost battle against Naruto. The Shukaku was still in there, but it wasn't a dominating presence any longer, as though the defeat had subdued it in a way he never would have been able to. He still didn't talk much and he preferred not to express any emotions, when possible, but he enjoyed the company of his brother and sister, now. What was even more surprising was that they seemed to enjoy his company, as well. Incompatible and rough as they may be at times, they were a family, and they meant something to each other.

"Why can't you be more like that Nara guy? He..." Temari shut up, quickly realizing she may have said too much, just then.

Kankuro, ignoring the fountain of blood that was his head, popped up with a gigantic grin spread from ear to ear, "Is that why you were so insistent on us being the team sent for this crack mission? Because of that gu-"

This time, the edge of her fan wasn't directed at his head, rather, it found its way up between his legs. The sheer force of the attack as it connected with her brother sent shockwaves throughout the school building, knocking several little children to their behinds.

Kankuro's eyes practically popped out of his head as he was lifted into the air and slammed into the ceiling before flipping and coming down headfirst. Temari, with a grunt, hoisted the still folded fan over her shoulder, spinning to gain momentum to her swing, which slammed her puppet-master brother in the back of the head, sending him flying past Gaara and into a bookcase, which tumbled on top of the devastated teen.

"Of course that's not why I wanted to be the team!" Temari fumed, pointing at the mess of books which concealed her no doubt unconscious sibling, "I just wanted to get out of the desert, for a change!"

Gaara was staring at her, eyes a little wide, though he said nothing. He wondered if he had used to be as scary as her...There was no way in hell he was going to point out, just then, that her face was burning a lucid scarlet.

Iruka Umino crossed the room, laying a hand on the angry blonde's shoulder, "Hey, you're not setting a very good example for the kids, now..." He motioned over to one of the little girl students, who promptly thrust her leg up between a boy's legs, finding home in his most sensitive of areas. Before the boy even had time to yelp, the girl had swung a book into his head and sent him sprawling to the ground.

"I-I'm sure that kid was just a scumbag, trying to cop a feel!" Temari laughed nervously.

Iruka raised an eyebrow, looking over to the boy who was limping away and crying for his mom.

The sand ninja hung her head low, "Sorry about that," She muttered.

"Just try and be a little less impulsive, alright? I'm sure Shikamaru will be happy to see you, too."

"I'm not here for him!" Temari shouting, mere seconds before Iruka was sent barreling through the wall and out into the playground.

-

Shikamaru sneezed, startling Ino, who was currently hanging on his arm as the two made their way down the street. The chuunin didn't particularly want the blonde ninja groping all over him, but he found that when she wasn't there grasping his arm he...missed...the weight. Yeah, that was it. Anything else would simply be far too troublesome.

"Did you hear about what happened with Tenten and Lee?" Ino asked with a snicker, bumping Shikamaru with her shoulder.

"No, I don't really keep up with gossip," The Nara admitted, more than just a tinge of boredom in his voice.

"Well, you're going to, now!"

"Why would I start? It's not like anything's changed, or anything like that. Right?"

Ino didn't reply right away. His bored attitude paired with his less-than-choice words hurt a little bit. Well, she knew it wasn't going to be easy from the get-go, but she was going to break the lazy genius from his almost anti-social ways, even if it killed her, "Yeah, things have changed! Now that Sasuke-kun is out of the picture, I've got to mold you into a better man, so I at least have some alternative!"

Shikamaru raised a finger as he spoke, "Several things about what you just said. 1. Sasuke didn't like gossip, either. 2. I AM a better man that Sasuke was. 3. I'm nobody's consolation prize. 4. We're not a couple. 5. What about MY choice? 6. I-"

Ino swung around in front of him, planting a kiss on his lips. After a few seconds, she stepped back to look into his surprised eyes, "You're cutest when you're not talking."

"Sasuke did a lot of not talking, too."

"That's why it's cute," Ino grinned a little as she admitted that. Before she could take her place at Shikamaru's side, a blast of wind collided with her, sending her spiraling into the air and down the street.

Shikamaru called out after her, lunging after the blonde with all of his strength and speed. He dove, arms outstretched as he managed to get beneath the girl in time. He caught her just before she hit the ground. The chuunin got a mouthful of dirt as he slid face first along the ground. It was weird...he was expecting to be a little sore from the landing, but he felt perfectly fine. Also, the dirt in his mouth felt a little grittier than it should have.

"Are you ok?" He asked weakly, spitting some of the ground out to the side.

"Y-Yeah. What happened?" Ino asked loudly, looking around as she sat in her friend's arms, "Ack! We're floating!"

"Huh?" The chuunin looked up, and sure enough, they were a few inches above the ground, hovering on a blanket of sand. That's what was in his mouth, and why he wasn't winded from the landing. He glanced over his shoulder, not surprised to find Gaara, and his massive gourd of sand.

The sand was sucked back into the gourd, letting the two drop the few inches back to the ground with a soft thud. The two friends watched as Temari hurried over to them, Gaara and Kankuro following slowly after her.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see you guys there!" The blonde sand ninja exclaimed, fastening her fan onto her back as she knelt down beside the two. She cast a glance at the weak girl that had just kissed HER man. _'Hussy,' _She thought bitterly. HER man, being the man she definitely was NOT here to see.

Shikamaru hopped up, helping Ino back to her feet at the same time, "You should be more careful. That was reckless to use that jutsu in the village, like that...But, still, it's good to see you again."

Kankuro, who was now beside his sister, snickered to himself as he caught the little flash of red cross Temari's cheeks. Gaara was on her other side, doing quite well in remaining emotionless, though he had a request to make.

"Y-You too..." And that was it. Words had effectively flown from her mind, and all she could do was stare at him while her face steadily grew redder.

Kankuro had his hands on his knees and was hunched over a little, doing his best to keep from laughing right then and there in front of them. His eyes were watering up, though, and his chest was convulsing a little from holding it in. He loved Temari, but seeing her so vexed was like an orgasm for his hilarity radar.

As though he could feel the tension, though he made no sign of it, Gaara broke through the silence, opening his mouth to speak. A rare feat, but it happened occasionally, "Where is Uzumaki?"

Shikamaru seemed a little taken aback at the question, or maybe at the fact that he had just been addressed by the intimidating redhead, "I-I haven't seen him lately. I guess he's at his house."

"Take me there. I want to see him."

Shikamaru failed to notice the vein throbbing in Temari's forehead as Ino wrapped her arm around his own before he replied, "It's troublesome...but I guess we could pay the guy a visit. I haven't seen him in awhile, like I said, so sure."

Temari latched her arm around Shikamaru's free arm, and flashed him a smile, "You're so nice to help us out. Thanks..."

Shikamaru returned the smile, though a little awkwardly, and began to take the group of sand ninjas to Naruto's place. He turned his eyes up to the clouds, completely oblivious to the nasty looks the girls on either side of him were exchanging.

'_Today's gonna be a good day,' _Kankuro thought, wiping a tear away.

-

"...And with this, I banish thee to the darkest depths of hell!" Naruto shouted, throwing the C-BOY with all of his might into the darkest darkness that he had seen in quite awhile. Believe me you, folks, Naruto had seen dark.

Lee watched as his friend tossed the C-BOY into a trunk at the foot of his bed, locking it in with several other things that Naruto had no desire to have. The blonde teen brought his hand before him in prayer, closing his eyes, "And may you never darken my loins again, foul demon."

"Don't you think you're taking it a little too far?" Lee asked, raising an eyebrow at the blonde before leaving to do two thousand pushups while watching television.

"I think I took it too far with Anko, even with that God-forsaken bear trap on! Ugh, never again! I feel dirty just thinking about it..."

"It's good to be dirty, Naruto! Working up a sweat and getting down in the mud is a true sign of youthfulness!" Lee stated, starting his pushups.

"Oh, there was sweat. I wouldn't be surprised if we did something in mud, too, and then took a bath, or something...it must have been..."

"26...Horrible? 27, 28, 29..."

"Yeah...Horrible. So, what happened between you and Tenten, exactly?" Naruto started to rub his arms, as though there was this kind of invisible film of filth coating him. He was feeling like he needed to bathe. Again. For the sixth time since coming home, the day before. Lee had only been back in the apartment for the last hour or so, though he acted as though he had no injuries at all. The bandages the majority of his body was sporting said otherwise, though.

"47...Naruto...52...in my moment of weakness, I tried to succumb to the fruits of the flesh!" Lee shouted, tears pouring from his eyes.

"Fruits? Like..."

"Like she was a cherry! Like she was a perfect, ripe little cherry to be plucked right then and there! 142, 143, 144..." the youthful teen was doing his pushups at a dangerous speed, now.

"I'm not sure if cherry was the best choice for this particular subject..." Naruto admitted somewhat uneasily.

"Why? 188, 189, 190..."

"I hate to burst your cherry there, captain, but strawberries are a lot more sensual. You should have gone with that," The blonde laughed, and Lee joined in.

"You're right, Naruto! Strawberries ARE more sensual! What was I thinking, cherries? 231, 232, 233..."

For some reason unknown to either one, they both felt real dirty now. Lee still had to do his pushups before anything else, though. Naruto, meanwhile, was free to do whatever. "I think I'm gonna take another shower, Lee..." He mumbled, wondering what on earth he had said that made him feel so nasty.

-

"See? Here we are," Shikamaru spoke blandly, tilting his head towards the apartments as the drew ever closer. Only about fifty yards to go, conveniently enough...

The chuunin in-between the two girls had to stop walking altogether when both girls tensed up simultaneously, nearly jerking his arms out of their sockets. Kankuro noticed this, and saw that even Gaara lost his footing, and nearly fell. He tensed up as well, wondering if there was some sort of presence they were feeling that he hadn't picked up on.

In fact, that was very true. Temari, ino, and Gaara were all picking up on a presence. Or maybe it was the presence that was picking up on them...either way, all three were shuddering under the heat that was splashing around in them.

Shikamaru broke free from the trembling girl's grasps, looking them each in the face, "What's wrong? Are you two alright?" He looked around for a second, wondering if maybe they were being targeted by an enemy. It didn't seem that either one of the girls had been struck with anything, however. Gaara was acting a little shaky, as well. He turned his wandering gaze back to the girls, frowning as he saw they were breathing hard. Temari's eyes rolled up a little as a soft moan escaped her lips.

"That didn't sound good!" Kankuro muttered, backing away from his sister.

"Actually, it did," Shikamaru replied honestly, backing up beside the puppet master.

The two males still under control of themselves watched as Gaara hunched over, continuing the march to Naruto's apartment. Temari and Ino, apparently out of their momentary stupor, followed after him as though nothing had happened.

"Uh...g-guys?" The somber genius called after them, taking a ginger step forward.

"Hey...why's Gaara walking like that?" Kankuro asked quietly, pointing to his brother.

Shikamaru shrugged, following after the three. It appeared that everything was ok, now, so maybe they had just imagined it. Or, far more likely, they were just over exaggerating it. But that noise Temari had made had seemed awfully...erotic sounded about right, but that would be troublesome for him to dwell on, so he just let it go.

The group, rather quickly, made their way up the staircase to the second floor's worth of apartments. Shikamaru pointed out Naruto's door with a rather shaky hand. The look on Gaara's face was terrifying. It was terrifying because it was a look he had never seen before on his face. It was a look of...happiness and excitement! It took him almost ten entire seconds to get Kankuro to take another step, so shocked was the brother.

Gaara, still hunched over for 'mysterious' reasons, banged on Naruto's door.

-

"1,744, 1,755, 1,756, 1,757..."A rather urgent sounding pounding at the door interrupted Lee's vigil. Not willing to get up and fail his quest to hit two thousand pushups, the youthful youth pushed himself into a handstand, and walked across the room on his hands. He used his feet to twist the knob, opening the door to find a big shock, indeed.

"You!" Lee shouted, losing his balance and falling on his face.

"How youthful," Shikamaru piped up from behind Gaara, who was waiting to be invited in. His hungry eyes were scanning the room. At least they were, up until the point where Lee jumped to his feet and placed his face about an inch away from Gaara's.

"Are you here for our rematch? You helped me out when I fought Kimimaro, but I knew this day would come!" Lee jumped back into the center of the room, getting into his fighting stance, "I'm ready!"

"Where's Naruto-kun?" The devil of the desert asked plainly, assuming it would be alright for him to enter, which he did.

"Naruto...kun?" Lee echoed, easing out of his stance and scratching the back of his neck, "He's taking a shower, right now..." He would have sworn he saw Gaara twitch when he received the information.

Shikamaru was practically thrown over the railing and to the ground below as Temari and Ino pushed their way into the apartment, each one flushed a pretty red. They were looking all over the place, "Where's the shower?" Ino practically yelled at Lee, whose eyes were huge as he measured the odds of his survival, Shikamaru's survival, Naruto's virginity's survival...he didn't count the Anko debacle. The C-BOY hadn't been removed, after all.

Kankuro entered the room, now, looking around not for Naruto, but for a hint of sanity, or an explanation.

Lee lunged into the hallway, placing himself just before Temari, whose eyes blazed with the passion of not youth, but lust. Maybe it was youthful lust, he didn't get much time to look.

With a smirk, the blonde teen stepped aside to allow a wave of sand to smash into Lee, crashing him through a wall and into Naruto's room. The sand hardened around him, locking him down to the floor. Before he could shout for help, a lens of sand covered his mouth, keeping him silent.

The sex hungry group of three turned to the sound of running water, each ready to make Naruto their own...

-

Naruto was humming away happily, rubbing shampoo in his hair. It was his favorite shampoo. No, silly, not ramen scented. He had tried that out, but it made him hungry, so he couldn't enjoy the shower. His favorite shampoo, that didn't make him hungry, was none other than Johnson & Johnson baby's shampoo, 2 in 1 detangler. He stopped humming, breaking out into the lyrics.

"Tonight...I'm gonna have myself...a real good time...I feel alive...and the world, turning inside out, yeah. I'm floating around, in ecstasy, so..." He got his voice real high pitched, "Don't...stop me now...don't stop me, 'cause I'm having a good time, having a good time!"

He didn't even hear the doorknob fall from its place, and clatter noisily to the ground. It slowly crept open...

"I'm a shooting star leaving through the sky, like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity..." He started to hum through the words he didn't know, but he made sure to keep the right rhythm and watch his place. He didn't notice the shadow approaching him, obscuring the light through the glass stall.

"I want to make a supersonic woman of you!" He exclaimed, pointing to the bottle of Johnson's baby shampoo, throwing it a happy smile. Man, things were going his way. He loved the shower.

"I love Johnson & Johnson shampoo, too," He admitted, grabbing the bottle and lobbing it up and down.

"How about you send that Johnson my way, sailor?" A voice came from beside him.

Not really thinking about it, Naruto lobbed the bottle to the side to the as yet unidentified voice, "There ya go."

"That's not what I meant, big boy..."

Naruto opened his mouth to reply, but froze up before he could get the words out. Without moving, he turned his gaze to the corner of his eyes, and was stunned to find Temari standing just outside the shower, wearing nothing save for a towel. And it wasn't a big towel, either. Hand cloth was probably more accurate, since that's what it was. She was holding it up to her chest, and it didn't quite make it all the way down to her waist, so...

She smirked mischievously as she saw his eyes wander a bit to the South, and stepped into the shower.

Naruto tore his eyes off of Temari's gorgeous figure, looking frantically for a way out. Damn this tiny shower stall! Damn it to hell! There was nowhere for him to go!

"Nowhere to go but through me, sailor, which is the general idea...Time to dock ship in Temari Harbor, lover!" She thrust herself up against Naruto, locking him into the hottest kiss of his young life. He could live to be a thousand years old, but nothing would top that moment, he wagered. A beautiful, shapely, completely willing girl had him pressed against his bathroom wall, in his shower. She wasn't surprised at all when she felt him react in a rather...male-like fashion.

"Wh-Wh-What a-a-are y-you doing h-here?" Naruto stammered, breaking free from the kiss. He was reaching for the faucets to turn the hot water cold, hopefully saving himself.

Temari saw his hand, and didn't like where it was going. Namely, not to her. She grabbed his arm, and forcefully redirected his open hand to her chest, "Why am I here, Naruto-kun? Well...I'm here to-"

-

Lee's eyes shot in the direction of the bathroom as a long and loud scream echoed through the village. It was Naruto! No, his youth was being compromised! If only the green-clothed teen could get free, he could save his blonde friend from a fate worse than the death of his virginity! Which was, ironically enough, the death of his virginity.

Shikamaru and Kankuro both looked in the direction of the scream, as well. The chuunin was currently down on one knee, holding up Ino, who had used her Mind Body Transfer jutsu on Gaara in an attempt to stop him from getting to Naruto before she did. Kankuro had nothing stopping him, though, so he rushed for the bathroom.

'_Hey! He's MY man, you creepy little bastard! He's not interested in your unlikely yaoi pairing, that squealing girls around the world would kill to see! So back off, byatch!' _Mental Ino shouted at mental Gaara, who looked back at her like she was insane.

'_Please, just don't let me do anything with that blonde idiot!' _Mental Gaara pleaded with mental Ino, dropping to his imaginary knees.

'_What?'_

'_Seriously, I don't want any part of that! ANY part of it, you hear me? I don't know what it is, but a lot of people seem to want me to be gay, and I just don't roll like that! They're always bugging me about it, and I'm just like, 'Look, there aren't any girls I'm interested in right now, ok? Chill,', and they're all like, 'Yeah, he's a total queer.'. I am NOT a homosexual!'_

Mental Ino was staring at the confessing mental Gaara as he looked up at her from his position on his knees. She had never heard him talk this much, before. Actually, had she ever heard him use a full sentence?

'_You know what's the most freaking insane part of all? The people who don't think I'm gay think I have a thing for the Hyuuga girl! What the hell? I've met her, like, once! She got her ass kicked, too! I saw her bleeding all over the place! Think that turns me on? Hell no, it doesn't! I might have some issues, but Goddamn, what do people think about me, honestly? Stop fantasizing about me and her, or me and some guy!'_

'_Are you ok?'_

'_Yeah...sorry. That's been building up for awhile, now...'_

'_Alright...so if you're not gay, than what the hell's your problem?'_

'_It's the Shukaku!'_

'_The demon in you, right?'_

Mental Gaara nodded, rising back to his feet, _'It's a she!'_

'_Oh, shi-'_

Ino shook violently in Shikamaru's arms as though she had just been hit with a club, or something. She groaned a little, her eyes swirling around as she muttered something about gay sex.

"It's always gotta be lesbian this or gay that with you, doesn't it? Just like back at the restaurant..." The chuunin mumbled, shaking his head. Gaara stood up, looking around for a few seconds before making his way to the bathroom.

-

Kankuro burst into the bathroom, his jaw hanging agape when he saw what he saw. What he saw was something he wished he had not seen, and by seeing it, he had seen something that would keep him from seeing his sister the same way he used to see her ever again. EVER again. He felt a vein explode in his head, and he passed out. Gaara had watched all of that unfold from behind his brother. He hoped he'd be alright, but there were more important things to do, first.

Sand erupted from the gourd, busting through the shower stall and the walls, carrying with it Naruto. The blonde ninja, still uncomfortably naked, was propelled up over the village by the sand, and thrown a pretty impressive distance to land in the nearby forests. As this was happening, however, Gaara was vanishing in wisps of sand to stay within close range of his target. Temari, Naruto now too far away for the aura to affect her, looked around, wondering where the hell she was.

The sky suddenly got dark, setting her on guard. She stood up, hopping up onto the edge of the ruined wall to look out in the direction of the expanding darkness. Red chakra was filling up the dark sky, roughly taking the shape of the nine-tailed fox. Just in front of it, an enormous amount of sand and chakra were forming the shape of the Shukaku, which turned itself around to allow the nine-tailed fox to...well, there's no polite way to say it...suffice to say, never before was there doodle making on so grand a scale.

"Well THAT doesn't look good," Shikamaru mumbled, suddenly beside Temari.

"What in God's name is going on?" Temari asked, sending a glance in Shikamaru's direction.

"I have no idea, and I don't think I want to know, honestly..."

The goddess of the sand now realized she was naked, and punched the side of Shikamaru's head, knocking him down into the bathroom, "Get me a towel, for God's sake!"

Rubbing his now throbbing head, the chuunin looked for a towel to hand the girl. He let his hand pass over the actual towel, and instead tossed her the washcloth. Temari looked at it for a second as if the Nara fool was joking, then looked over at him. He had a sly grin on his face that suggested he really was just kidding. He was reaching for the real deal towel, now, but Temari saw some things through the destroyed walls that made her pause to think. Kankuro was currently unconscious on the ground before them, Lee was trapped beneath an unbreakable blanket of sand, and Ino was currently knocked out, too. They were completely alone...

"Shikamaru...I don't think I'm going to be needing that towel, after all..." She whispered, lobbing the washcloth back to him.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. Looked like things were going to get troublesome. REALLY troublesome...

-

Kakashi, like every other person with sight in Konoha, turned his eyes up to the sight of two gigantic figures of chakra doing the nasty, "Well THAT doesn't look good," He muttered, looking for a moment at his video camera. Hm...no, not this time, "I don't think I need you for this one, my friend," He pulled his forehead protector down over his good eye, so both were covered. He started the walk to where he believed the two to be, "Let's see if I can fix this without seeing anything...that would be nice..."

_-----Author's other note: Alright, I only had three or four scenes in there that I left up to the imagination...because that's just how I roll, sorry folks._

_Ambrant Arandel was the one who suggested to me that the Shukaku be female, which sounded like a good idea to me, so I ran with it. Props to you, man!_

_The song Naruto was singing in the shower was 'Don't Stop Me Now', by Queen. Cool song, check it out. I don't own it, by the way._

_You guys know that how in some sports they give a two minute warning? Yeah, well, I'm sort of like that, only instead of minutes, I go with chapters. I only have two more planned chapters for Mating Season, and then it will be complete. Just thought I should let you players know, so when the last one rolls around, you won't all be like, 'what the hell, where did that come from?'. The next chapter will be on Sakura, and the final chapter will be...well...you'll just have to see, I guess. Well, thanks for reading...-----_


	7. To Succeed At Failing

_-----Author's note: I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Ow...what was that? Ow...it was a kind of pain he had never experienced before...Ow! What the hell? He squirmed a little, but that only made it hurt more.

"Ow!" Naruto shouted, arching up to raise his back from the bed he was on, groaning in pain at the strange throbbing he was experiencing.

"Ow is right," Kakashi muttered weakly from somewhere else in the room.

Naruto, keeping his back from touching the bed, looked around the unfamiliar room. Everything was white, and it reeked of sterile death. He was currently on a white bed with thin blue sheets.

"Are we...in a hospital?" He asked softly, still looking around.

"Correct! Tell him what he's won, Johnny!" Kakashi replied bitterly, veiled by a white curtain which separated the two.

"Johnny...Johnson! Johnson & Johnson! Temari attacked me while I was in the shower! What happened?" Naruto grabbed the curtain beside him and jerked it aside to find that his white-haired sensei was covered in bandages and lying in a hospital bed, himself.

"You mean you don't remember?" The jounin asked incredulously, leaning forward a little to stare into Naruto's eyes. The blonde shook his head, eyes wide as he waited for the news to hit.

"I remember coming REAL close to going the whole way with Temari, but then something nailed me from behind, and I blacked out..."

Kakashi folded his arms, letting his chin droop down to his chest as though he were going deep into thought, "Funny that you'd say that. 'Nailed from behind'. So...you were unconscious for everything that happened after that?"

Naruto nodded, eyes growing a little wider, "Why? Tell me what happened after that! Why is my butt sore?"

The copy ninja turned a very solemn look to Naruto, who cringed, even though he needed to hear the truth! He wasn't going to have another Anko disaster, not able to remember what had happened during those 32 hours.

"I think it's better...if you never know what happened after you were thrown from the bathroom."

"No! You have to tell me! I HAVE to know what I did! I need to know why you're hurt, too!"

Kakashi opened his eyes again, casting the blonde a serious look through the corner of his eye, "Why I'm hurt? I'm hurt, Naruto, because I intervened and put a stop to the insanity. Getting you away from Gaara was one of the most difficult things I've ever done..."

"G-Gaara? He found out about me and Temari? And...he was the one who blasted me through the wall?"

"Yes. He was under the influence of the Shukaku, it turns out. He followed after you into the forests where you landed, and that was where he..." The jounin trailed off, looking across the room to their window, which was letting in bright rays of sunlight. Yesterday afternoon had been the time of the two demons in the sky. A full day had gone by, since then.

"Where he what? Don't tell me that my butt hurts because h-he..." Naruto now trailed off like his sensei had, eyes growing just a little wider as recognition dawned on him.

"I'm sorry, Naruto. I'm sorry that I didn't get there in time to stop him," Kakashi apologized, a sincere look on his face, "But Gaara, he...he sodom-"

"He kicked my ass, didn't he?" Naruto burst out, "He got the wrong idea about Temari and me, and he kicked my ass while I was knocked out! That's so pathetic of him, to beat me up while I'm passed out!"

Kakashi took a few seconds to stare at Naruto, who was still arched up over the bed to keep his backside from touching the bed. He had two immediate options. 1. Tell the teen the truth, which was that he had been abused as jail bait, or 2. Go along with the conclusion Naruto had come up with himself. Kakashi imagined what would happen if he chose the first option, and it wound up with Naruto plunging a kunai into his throat, and splattering the room with blood. He thought about it for a moment...no, he didn't want Naruto to die, even if he was a little upset with the guy. Besides, why make more room for the janitorial staff?

"U-Uh, yeah. Th-That's what happened!"

"I knew it! And he must have literally kicked my ass, because my butt is so sore..." Naruto tried to laugh a little, but found it to be tougher than he thought it would be. He wasn't too mad at Gaara, because he was just trying to protect his sister, after all.

"Yeah. You could really say that he banged your ass all over the place..." Kakashi muttered with a forced chuckle, laying back down all the way. He immediately wished he hadn't said that, and clenched his eyes shut tight before hitting himself on the head.

"B-But Kakashi-sensei! We shouldn't be here in a hospital! What if a girl gets too close?"

Kakashi waved off the worried comment, "Don't worry about that. Gai, Lee, and Shikamru have removed all female personnel and patients from the hospital, and have set up a barricade which no woman may cross. Besides, I've got some good news, for a change."

Naruto's ears perked up as he twisted his neck to look at his sensei, without letting his back down.

"Yeah, I know. I'm surprised, too. Anyway, the nine-tailed fox seems to be letting the aura fade away, meaning that women are going to start being less attracted to you as time passes," He assumed that the aura was fading because the fox had gotten some action with the raccoon, the other day, and that had sated its hunger for fun. "I'd say that within a couple of days, everything will be back to normal."

Naruto thought he heard someone swearing outside his the window, but he ignored it, "R-Really? That's great! Wait...that IS great, right?"

"Well, you were the greatest babe magnet in existence for about a week, but you still managed to retain your virginity," The copy ninja pointed out with a grin.

"...That means we succeeded in the mission, though, right?"

"If you consider the past week of your life a success, than I don't even want to know what you would call a failure. But you should still stay away from all girls until every last trace of the aura is gone. Just because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean you'll necessarily make it through."

"...I WANT to make it through, right?"

"Do you want to succeed?"

"Of course!"

"Then no. I consider your succeeding the mission the equivalent of your failing at life. I know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would fail the mission spectacularly, that's what I would do. But by failing, I would be succeeding in something much, much more gratifying than the 'good job' I would get for fulfilling the mission. Do you understand?" Kakashi was rubbing the back of his head, imagining how differently everything would have worked out had he been the one with the aura.

"...No."

"Ah, whatever. Forget it, let's just relax."

Perched out on the windowsill of the hospital room was Jiraiya, who had listened to the entire conversation, rather unhappily. It was time for his master plan...he had to initiate it before too long, or else he would lose his chance forever...

The perverted hermit jumped down to the ground, muttering to himself, "Time to visit the Akimichi family, and make good on a certain favor they owe me. I'm sure they remember chapter 11 very well..." With that, the legendary ninja was off to blackmail the hell out of another 'friend', so he could get his devilish plan up into the air.

-

"WHAT?" Sakura thundered, slapping both hands down on the table, which rattled and threatened to cave under her strength.

"I kid you not," Ino stated, folding her arms. She was calmly sitting on the other side of the table, completely unmoved by her friend's outburst, "He tried to freaking rape her in his shower! I was there, and so was Shikamaru! You can ask him, if you don't believe me!"

"Naruto might be a freaking retard, but even he isn't that stupid!" The pink-haired genin stated, easing herself back down into her seat.

"Jealous because he never tried to rape you?" Ino asked slyly, lowering both elbows onto the table to leer at her friend, who was a little red from that question.

Sakura muttered some sort of pathetic response, letting her head droop a little.

The blonde leaned forward, intrigued and surprised, "What was that?"

Another mumbled reply, followed by leaning in a little closer, "Say it again?"

Sakura jumped back up, slamming a fist down on top of her 'friend's' head, "I said he DID try to rape me, already!"

Ino, as though her head-splitting injury had never occurred, shot up to stand beside her friend, "WHAT?" She was the one to yell this time. She threw the girl back down into her seat, and dropped back into her own, "Tell me about it! When did that happen?"

Sakura continued to mumble in a low tone that Ino couldn't really pick up on, so the blonde threw a spoon at her head.

Sakura took the spoon to the forehead, her head snapping back in surprise, "What the hell are you throwing things at my head, for?" She shouted, grabbing her fork.

Ino scooted to the side to avoid the eating utensil, which was now sticking into the back of the booth, "Because I can't hear you! Besides, with such a big forehead to aim at, how could I resist?"

"Shut up, you stupid pig! You're just bitter because no one cares about you enough to even WANT to rape you!"

"That's not true! Shikamaru would, if I asked!"

"Well I didn't have to ask Naruto! He just did it!"

"Oh, well, congratulations! That nightmare would doodle a potato if he could figure out how!"

"Doodle?"

"I don't know, I've just been hearing it, lately. Look, forehead, just spill it and tell me about what happened!" Ino pointed at her sort of friend, hoping that their little argument was finished so they could get to the scoop beneath it all.

Sakura took a deep breath, sliding down her chair until all but her eyes (and forehead) were visible above the table, "Ok, this is what happened..." She began, elaborating on her 'encounter' with Naruto...

-

"And so you see, that little bondage rape scene goes a long way in ruining your life," Jiraiya stated simply, wagging his finger at the elder Akimichi. He was currently sitting in the living room of the Akimichi family, speaking in a rather low tone with both of Choji's parents.

"Y-You wouldn't! There's no way you would go public with that...information! It was seventeen years ago! Choji's only sixteen! It would kill him if he found out how he was...conceived..." Choji's father exclaimed, jumping up from his seat and dropping to his knees before Jiraiya.

"You mean how you had her tied to a fire hydrant, and were screaming: 'Bark for me! Bark for me!' I'm sure Mrs. Inuzuka wouldn't have appreciated that, very much...not when you were saying it to your lovely wife, instead..."

Mrs. Akimichi paled, and fell back out of her seat, unconscious.

"Baby, baby, that's all in the past!" Choza exclaimed, stumbling back to his feet and over to his wife, fanning her with his open hand, "You know it was just a one time thing! I wanted you to bark for me, not that floozy!"

"Uh, dad? What are you guys talking about?"

The two men in the room nearly snapped their necks in turning to look to the door, which was hanging open. Choji and Kiba were standing there, looking very confused.

"N-N-Nothing! Your mom's just taking a nap, that's all! Go train, or...eat! Yes! Go eat, buy whatever you want and just tell them to put it on my tab, it's fine!"

Choji was gone, dragging Kiba with him. The dust had to settle before anyone could tell that the two were gone.

Choza turned very serious eyes to Jiraiya, who grinned a little in return.

"I wonder what Kiba would have to say if he found out that YOU were his-"

"Whatever you want. I'll give you whatever you want, you just keep quiet. Ok?"

"That's what I wanted to hear..." Jiraiya chuckled to himself.

-

Ino blinked a couple of times. Most of her major cognitive functions had shut down, so she was mostly a pretty shell with functioning organs. What she had just heard did several things to her, but the one thing about it that may as well have ripped out her spinal cord was that she was...jealous? Of Sakura? For her slight encounter with Naruto?

"Yeah," Sakura mumbled, still a pretty crimson.

"Wow," Ino replied quietly.

Both girls sat there for a few minutes, both getting redder as the moments ticked by. Finally, the blonde girl mustered up the courage to ask a very important question, "How big was it?"

Sakura looked at her friend like she was insane, "Excuse me?"

"How big was it? You've gotta tell me at least that."

"I'm not going to tell you how big it was! That's private!"

"I know it's private, or I would already know! Come on, seriously."

Sakura looked away, hiding her face behind her hands as she covered up the embarrassing blush.

Ino grabbed her friend by the arm and pulled her around to look her in the eye, only one of which was currently exposed from her concealing grasp, "If you don't tell me how big it was, then I'm going to tell everyone!"

"No! You damned porker, I should have known you'd pull some crap like this!"

"Don't call me porker, dammit! Your forehead might as well be a beached whale, but you don't hear me calling you whale-girl, now do you? So confess, now, or I go public!"

-

"God, blackmail's a bitch," Choza muttered, opening the drawer to get the most forbidden item of the Akimichi clan. It had taken him almost twenty minutes to break the chakra seals locking the drawer up, but he had done it, and he was about to do something he knew he probably shouldn't do...

-

Sakura took her hands before her to give a visualization of the size. Ino's eyes went wide as she saw the length Sakura settled upon, "That's, like, a foot and a half! You're freaking kidding me!"

"N-No, that looks about right. I know...it was so huge, I didn't really know what to do..." The pinked-haired genin admitted weakly, as though the simple memory of it made her lightheaded.

"I know what you do with it! You stick it in your mouth! The rest usually takes care of itself!"

"I-I know, that, but it was just so sudden..."

"Girl, when someone gets you a banana split that size, you don't question it! I know you guys were just sharing, but that's still a lot!"

"But don't you think that it was too much? What if to Naruto, sharing ice cream is, like, an engagement or something?" Sakura asked sheepishly, praying to God it wasn't. The thought had her long gone red, though.

"Don't worry about it. So he treated you to ice cream. Big flipping deal," She still was wondering why the hell she wanted it to have been her, though. Maybe she just couldn't stand the thought of Sakura getting someone without any competition. Sasuke had always been a pretty nice battlefield...

"I guess you're right..."

"Um, you DO know that your definition of 'rape' is a little bit off, right?" The blonde asked, tilting her head to the side a little.

"It is? I thought that an unwanted advance was a pretty accurate definition...then, what did he do to Temari in the shower?"

Ino leaned across the table, and Sakura did as well. They met halfway, and the blonde whispered what she had meant by 'rape', earlier.

Sakura's eyes went so wide that her pupils practically disappeared, "I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" She screamed, rushing out the door and towards the hospital where he was currently being held. Naruto had some hurt coming his way, and it was some bad hurt.

_-----Author's other note: I decided to split Sakura's chapter into two chapters, like I did for Hinata's. That way, she can get a lot of game time. Let's face it. Of all Naruto female characters, those two are the two that most people want to see, right? So this was mostly a setup chapter for the next one, like Hinata had. So the next chapter will NOT be the final chapter, like I originally thought. Chapter count will hit nine, unless something goes wrong and I die, or something. Well, thanks for reading...-----_


	8. The Color Pink

_-----Author's note: I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"...So you see, that's why we don't talk to Anko about her weekend with Kurenai. Do you understand?" Kakashi asked simply, raising an eyebrow to Naruto in waiting for a response.

The teen's mouth was hanging open rather comically, and a strand of drool was dangling around beneath his chin.

"Yeah, that's what I was like. Anyway, that's how Kurenai gets Anko to do things, now and then. I think the latest thing was to have her train Tenten, or something like that. I guess it's not really my problem, is it?" The copy ninja flipped open his favorite little orange book, easing his head back into his pillow.

The two were still in the hospital. In an attempt to make small talk, they had found themselves on the topic of Anko, which Kakashi felt the need to expound upon in whatever manner that came first. So, Naruto now knew why never to go on a weekend trip with anyone, especially not Anko or Kurenai. At least not without the ungodly presence known as the C-BOY. He never would have expected Kurenai to be that way. He suddenly found himself worrying about her team's safety...

"...You ok?" The jounin asked quietly, his eyes wandering from his pages to find Naruto had yet to close his agape mouth.

"...H-Hinata's so innocent, though..." The teen mumbled, more to himself than Kakashi.

"Yeah...give it time."

"Y-You're kidding, right?"

"Of course. You know, unless I'm not."

"That's not funny! I'd better go make sure she's alright!" Naruto hopped out of bed, moving for the door.

"Why the sudden desire to protect Hinata?" Kakashi asked, a little grin forming beneath his mask.

"It's not a need! I want to protect all of my friends!" Naruto shouted in response, wheeling around so the jounin could see his panicked eyes.

"Funny, you didn't mention Kiba or Shino...anyway, don't worry about it. Kurenai can be a little out there, sometimes, but she wouldn't do anything to anyone underage. That's where Anko's got her beat."

"I-It wasn't Anko's fault for whatever she did to me. It was the aura, that's all..."

"...What? Oh! Right, right, I forgot about that..."

"Then what did you mean with that comment?" Naruto asked, tilting his head a little to the side.

Kakashi took a few seconds to stare blankly at Naruto, blinking once or twice before speaking, "What comment?"

"No, don't do that! What did Anko do?"

"I think the question is more of 'who', than what, and more 'didn't' than did..." Kakashi mumbled rubbing the back of his neck.

Naruto dropped to his knees, scratching through his hair with both hands in confused frustration, "When the hell did everything get so messed up?" He shouted, lowering his forehead to the ground.

"Hey, hey, things aren't that bad. In fact, I know something I can tell you that will fix everything! I-"

The door behind Naruto exploded off of its hinges, speeding over him and across the room to slam into Kakashi's face, smashing him up against the wall and knocking him clean out.

"NARUTO!" A familiar voice rang out from behind him. A very familiar voice, and one that he normally loved to hear. But this time, it brought with it two different terrors, one of which was unfamiliar. Physical harm was a great possibility, but physical relations was far more likely. In the worse case scenario, for Naruto, there would be both.

-

Shikamaru wondered if he had done the right thing. It seemed that Sakura had gotten in without hardly any problem at all. She sweet-talked Lee, then clocked him upside the head with what he thought was a wrench. She then convinced Gai that Kakashi said he couldn't do back-flips around the village five hundred times while rapping about youth, and the blue beast was back-flipping away before anyone could say another word. She then approached him, and said something about Ino. Shikamaru replied that girls were troublesome, and stepped aside. ...Yeah, he had done the right thing. Kakashi was in there, anyway. He could handle it.

-

"Oh..." Naruto moaned in terror.

"My..." Sakura continued, eye growing wide.

'_God!' _Inner Sakura practically imploded when the sexual overload from the aura blew through her like a bullet through tissue paper.

The blonde sat there on the ground, hands over his head as he cringed in fear. He knew there was something only a couple of inches from the back of his head, but he didn't have the courage to move, and he was a little ashamed to admit that he didn't WANT to move, in case the aura was still strong enough to work its magic. Was it so wrong for him to want the girl of his every waking daydream to want him back? Well, no, not really!

Sakura stared at the wrench in her hand, which she had barely managed to stop swinging before it had cracked Naruto's head open like a coconut. She was shaking just slightly, and her hands were starting to sweat. She could feel her face gradually rising in shades of red, and it was making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up on end. It was like she was near Sasuke, only magnified to levels she didn't even know existed.

Naruto, very slowly, took his hands off of his head and turned to look at Sakura, "H-Hi, Sa-Sakura-chan...h-how's it g-going?"

His eyes...his incredible, deep-ocean-blue eyes...she felt her knees start going weak and she began to slouch a little. His silky voice, with a hint of desperation, floating over his soft, gentle lips...the wrench slipped from her grasp and clattered noisily to the floor. His tight physique, the way his shirt had to stretch to get across his chest...

'_Oh, dear sweet God, woman, NOW!' _Inner Sakura screamed, urging the 'incredibly unwilling but wants to so bad' Sakura on.

"N-Now, I know what you're thinking, and-"

"Do you?" Sakura interrupted, her legs quivering under her as though she had gained several hundred pounds in the past ten seconds.

"Y-Yeah, and...you should know that it's only because of-"

"Sh!" Sakura finally succumbed to the unexplainable weight that was building on her shoulders, falling to a sitting position, directly in front of Naruto. She pressed a finger to his lips, "Don't talk!"

Naruto watched in pure horrified glee as Sakura's hands began to work on her pink and red clothes. All of those times before when things like this had happened, something or other had gotten in the way. Whether it had been a person, his morals, or some random situation that he had no control over. But this time...Kakashi was unconscious, Lee was nowhere to be found, and his will was shot to death from all previous encounters. More importantly, this was SAKURA starting to undress, a simple two feet in front of him. He had never been so excited in his...Oh, goddamn it all to hell, no...it's because it WAS Sakura that he knew he couldn't let her do it.

The blonde reached out, grabbing her arm, "Sakura, don't..." His voice sounded surprisingly strong as he spoke, and it filled him with confidence. He turned a steely gaze to her own, which was practically begging him to grab a handful of something other than her arm.

Kakashi kept the groan from escaping his lips as he opened his eyes, squinting hard to see straight. Had he just heard Naruto tell Sakura to stop? That was really...Naruto was really...damn, what had hit him?

"For a long time...I've tried to get you to notice me. To get you to see me...like you did with Sasuke. Everything I've ever done to show people who I am and who I could be...even Hokage...all of it, I did it because I wanted them to acknowledge me. I did it because I wanted them to care about me, because I couldn't stand being alone. But...more than anyone else..." Naruto let go of her wrist, standing up and taking a step back, "I wanted you to acknowledge me, Sakura."

Kakashi discreetly reached out from his bed and flipped the latch to the window, pushing it out and open to let a breeze in.

Naruto turned around to show Sakura his back, lowering his solemn gaze to the ground, "Because I've loved you from the very first day I met you, Sakura..." The breeze through the window picked up as he spoke, tugging at the bandages he bore on his arms and forehead so that they drifted along beside him in flowing white ribbons, "...And I won't let anything ever cheapen what we could have together, especially not this."

Kakashi nodded in approval. It may mean that the teen was failing at life, but at least he was doing so in a dignified and cool manner. It was a good thing he had been there to open the window and let the breeze in. Of course, just because Naruto said all of that didn't mean anything, in the long run.

Having taken his eyes off of her, Naruto was completely blind-sided by Sakura as she hurled herself through the air to tackle him. The two collided with the wall above the empty hospital bed, then fell down onto it on the rebound. He wasn't sure how it had happened, but Sakura had managed to stay on the top, keeping him from making a quick escape.

"H-How the hell did you stay on top?" He sputtered, grabbing her by both shoulders in an attempt to keep her from pressing herself on him anymore than she already was. She was currently straddling his stomach, and her shirt was starting to slide off over her shoulder and down her arm.

"Oh, did you want to take the top?" She replied breathlessly, pausing to wait for an answer.

"N-No!"

"Great! I think it'll be more fun, this way," Her hands shot down and she practically ripped his shirt off.

"S-Somebody help!"

Kakashi heaved himself off of the bed and dove into Sakura from the side, the two of them tumbling to the ground in a heap, "Naruto! I'll still consider you a failure at life, but nothing you just said will matter at all if you let her follow through with this! So run!"

Naruto didn't even take the time to reply, he was out the door before Kakashi even finished speaking. _'It's not gonna matter anyway, because she isn't going to remember any of this!' _He thought as he started his frenzied dash for safety.

Kakashi snickered to himself, looking down at Sakura, who he was perched on top of, holding her down with his weight and his arms, "It's not nice of you to come onto him like that. Not after all of this time."

"Actually, I'm hoping he comes onto me, if you know what I'm saying," Sakura replied plainly, a smirk on her face.

"...Where'd you learn to t-talk like that? A-And...why does m-my head..." The copy ninja wobbled a little bit before teetering too far to the side and falling off of the genin. He tried to push himself up, but his arms were practically useless.

Sakura hopped up, pulling the needle out of her sensei's side, "It's only a mild sedative, so don't worry."

"...R-Right...m-medic ninja in a...in a hospital...ha, ha...s-so tackle her...smart..." Kakashi managed to stutter through broken gasps as he began to drift into la-la-land.

"Well, mild if you're a rhinoceros. Oh, Naruto-kun!" Sakura sang happily as she pranced out into the halls to hunt down her newest desire.

-

"Ok, so I can't just leave the hospital, or else a whole bunch of girls are going to try and catch me!" Naruto shivered as he tore through the halls of the hospital, doing what he could to get enough space in-between him and Sakura for the aura to lose its effect. Kakashi said it was weakening, so the range had to be less than fifty yards, by this point. That was good news.

"So I get that Gai evacuated all the women, but...where are all the men?" The teen began to panic as soon as he realized that the hospital was pretty abandoned.

-

'_It's a good thing I evacuated all of the men from the hospital, too. Now my eternal rival and the friendly young libido victim will be able to rest in peace,' _Gai thought happily as he continued to back-flip around the village, dropping phat beats like they were bombs on his enemies. His crew was gonna flip when they heard his off-the-hook lyrics, he just knew it! He struck the nice guy pose to no one in particular mid flip.

-

Naruto found his way to the staircase, and immediately began the ascent. He was moving so fast that it was a wonder he could control himself at all. He burst out onto the fourth floor, and practically broke his ankles in trying to stop when he spotted Sakura at the end of the corridor.

Before he had even touched the ground, the pink-haired genin had closed the twenty yard gap between them and was about four feet away.

The teen landed on his back, but quickly rolled backwards and scrambled to his feet. It would be pointless to try and run without any sort of backup, and he knew it. The women under the influence of the aura were relentless, and seemed to grow faster and more cunning every time he had to deal with one of them.

'_I have to say something to buy some time!'_ He opened his mouth, but found that words weren't an option at that particular moment. He just now realized that Sakura wasn't wearing her normal clothes, anymore. She had somehow managed to switch out into a very short nurse's uniform. No, not the not-sexually-suggestive scrubs, but the uncomfortably-sexually-suggestive white mini uniform. It was the kind that made going to the hospital worthwhile for dying old men, the kind that people buy dating simulation games for, the kind that was currently rendering Naruto incapable of walking.

"Ooh, so you like?" Sakura asked sheepishly, edging forward slowly, making sure to swing her hips as she did. She loved how he was just staring, taking in every last inch.

"Much very I it like..." Was the jumbled, incomprehensible response Naruto managed to get out, though just barely.

"But Naruto-kun..." Sakura raised her hands, starting to undo the buttons from the top, "I look much better without it..."

'_God, I'll bet that's true...N-No! Wait, must...say something...to change the subject...'_ Naruto, gathering inhuman (inhuman for a male) willpower, opened his mouth and said the first thing he could think of, which just so happened to be a very legitimate question, "Why is your hair pink?" He practically shouted, closing his eyes and clenching his fists.

"That's like asking why Hinata's eyes are white," Sakura replied calmly, still working on those buttons. We were about four down, which left only three to undo. Naruto took a peek and was unpleasantly pleasantly surprised to find she wasn't wearing anything beneath the nurse's outfit, "You just don't question it. Besides, my hair isn't the pink you need to concern yourself with, Naruto-kun..."

Before you could say 'wet dreams for life', Naruto had summoned a shadow clone for backup, "Rasengan!" He shouted loud enough that people over a mile away wondered what exactly that noise was.

The floor beneath them exploded under the whirlpool of chakra known as the Rasengan, and the two dropped down a floor. In the confusion of the dust and debris, Naruto hoped he could make his escape. He was sorely mistaken, however, and when the word 'sore' is used, it applies most directly to the blonde's head.

From out of the dust, Sakura's arm shot out, equipped with the wrench she had used to chastise Lee for getting in her way. The tool found its way down onto Naruto's head, striking him so hard that he smashed down through the already weakened third floor, and plummeted down to the second floor.

"L-Looks...like o-old lady Tsunade's s-strength is starting to rub...off on you..." Naruto managed to mumble, eyes full of tears and limbs practically useless as he lay there, defeated both physically and emotionally. Who on God's green earth could possibly resist everything that had been thrown his way? No one. Not even the gayest of men would have been able to show the self restraint he had. And just look at what it had all gotten him. A headache that would probably never go away, several missed chances with gorgeous girls, and now he was going to lose to the one girl he had taken a moral stand to, and even confessed to. Life sucked, in a beautifully ironic and bittersweet way.

Sakura hopped down her newly made hole in the floor, landing beside Naruto and leering down at him with hungry eyes.

"Wh-What are you g-going to do to me?" Naruto managed to ask in a shaky voice.

"Hm...what do I want to do..." Sakura asked impishly, slowly circling her incapacitated prey. She started to look around for something that might be of use, "I want..." Her eyes landed on a room number, 269, "How oddly accurate!" She squealed, grabbing the teen by his black shirt and dragging him into the room. She practically slammed him on the bed, and was on top of him before he even realized he was on a bed.

Using most of the strength he had in his bruised and tired body, Naruto tried to push Sakura off of him, but it was proving to be a fruitless battle.

"Naruto-kun," Sakura groaned in-between kisses to his neck and now bare chest, "If you don't cooperate, I'm going to have to use this!" She flashed a needle, "Like the sedative I used on Kakashi-sensei! This will be much more fun for everyone if you enjoy it, too..."

"S-So now you're gonna stick stuff in me, to get me to listen?"

"Not if you stick stuff in me, first..." The cosplaying girl giggled hungrily, still kissing him all over. She was now working on his belt, which was complying far too easily to be on the blonde's side.

So this was it. He didn't have enough strength to fight her off. Everything he had said earlier meant nothing, now, because he was too weak to keep this from happening. His only option was to stick stuff in her, now, just like she said. Oh well, at least this time he would be conscious for it, and would remember it. Maybe it...wait...YES! Or no, depending on how he'd look back on this event. That was his only option, and it was a far better option than he would have thought!

The last of his strength was utilized into grabbing the kunoichi's wrist, and twisting her arm just a little. The needle in her hand found it's way into her exposed thigh.

"Ow! Naruto-kun, that hurt! If you wanted to play like that, all you had to do was...was ask...Because I...d-don't mind..." Sakura slumped forward, lying on top of him as the sedative took affect. She was soon breathing peacefully, half naked on top of the near mentally wrecked Naruto.

He nudged her off of him and rolled onto his side so that he was facing her back. With a sigh that he wasn't sure signaled victory or defeat, failure or success, he put his arms around her waist and kissed the top of her head. He deserved at least this much, at least for a few minutes. Maybe, one day, she would want him for him, and not for something he was beginning to consider a curse.

-

Jiraiya lowered his infrared goggles, sighing a little as he rubbed the back of his neck. Naruto was a good guy to the core, and he had found both a newfound respect and pity for the guy. How could he not be scoring left and right, up and down, and every direction in-between? Well...he'd let him have his little cuddle-bunny moment, because tomorrow...oh, tomorrow, indeed. It would be a day that no one would ever forget. Well, maybe the women would, but no man in the surrounding miles would ever forget...and he would have enough research compiled to write a thousand volumes of Icha Icha Paradise. Oh yes, tomorrow, indeed...

_-----Author's other note: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a fun ride, but the next chapter will be the final chapter in Mating Season. Jiraiya's ultimate plan, which will actually be much simpler than probably all of you are thinking, will be unleashed, and I'll try and send this story out in a blaze. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for reading...-----_


	9. Perverted Hermit's Pervert Plan Revealed

_-----Author's note: I'm sorry, this is not the end. I intended for it to be the end, but it would be way too much, and it can stand on its own as an introductory chapter to the real deal finale. I know, I suck for going back on what I said. I don't like going back on what I said, but it's better this way. I wanted to stop on nine for ninetailed fox, but oh well. At the very least, you'll leave this chapter with knowledge of Jiraiya's plan..._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Asuma, summoning all of his strength in the process, managed to pull Kurenai back far enough that Naruto didn't need to find out what she wanted to do with the item she had requested of Lee. He couldn't fathom what on earth she could have possibly wanted it for, especially if she had been under the influence of the aura.

"Looks like it's about ten yards, now..." The jounin stated, wiping the blood from his lip on his sleeve. His hand dipped down into his pocket to fish out a cigarette.

Lee nodded in approval at his method of 'testing' the aura's range as it was put to use for the second time, this time showing without a doubt that the aura really was in recession. The four of them were outside of Naruto's apartment, on the loamy dirt road which sat before the teen's home. It was a nice day, not a hint of a cloud or molestation to be found or worried about.

"Wh...What did I say? I didn't do anything bad...did I?" Kurenai asked sheepishly, hardly able to believe the fact that she had almost accosted Naruto. Naruto, of all people!

Asuma motioned to his busted lip while wiping the blood away, again, as it continued to ooze from the gash he was granted courtesy of her elbow. He was currently wondering why the hell they had used Kurenai for the test, and not some old lady, or something. Sure, she had volunteered upon overhearing Lee's request, but still...it was odd that Lee had gone to him as opposed to Gai, too. He had asked why, but the only response he had gotten had been something about a C-BOY, and he had no idea what that was, and he had little mind to find out.

Kurenai waved off Asuma's negligible wound, turning her eyes to Naruto, who flashed her a big grin and shook his head, "Nope, not a thing! All I need to do now is wait around at home until it's finally done with!" He laughed as he spun around, hurrying up the set of stairs to his door, Lee shortly after him.

Asuma and Kurenai turned to leave as well, both relieved at the knowledge that the entire mating aura ordeal was about to blow over without any serious complications. Naruto had proven himself to be an upstanding individual, having resisted something that most would be incapable of. They both had a newfound respect for him.

As the two slowly left Naruto's residence behind them, Kurenai became increasingly more aware of the fact that Asuma was sending her glances out of the corner of his eye. After nearly a minute of her wondering why he was looking at her like that, she finally asked, "What's the problem?"

Asuma stiffened up, redirecting his eyes directly ahead of him, his cigarette almost toppling out of his mouth, "...Nothing."

Naruto started to unlock his door, looking over his shoulder to ask Lee, "Hey, what did Kurenai want with a hamster, anyway?"

Lee shrugged, "I was going to ask you."

"She went on a weekend trip with Anko, though, so I'll bet it was something weird..."

He popped his door open, his jaw practically hitting the floor when he saw who was in his room. He swung his arm up to point at the familiar face, practically screaming, "THE PERVERTED HERMIT!"

Jiraiya jumped across the room, punching Naruto on top of the head before speaking, "I've told you a million times to stop calling me that!"

Not bothering to get up from the floor, Naruto asked, "What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were too busy with Akatsuki to train with me!"

"It just so happens that their movements have come to a total stall, and I had some free time on my hands. I thought to myself 'wouldn't it be nice to see my energetic pupil again?', so here I am."

"You mean 'youthful'," Lee stated, entering the small apartment, "Naruto is brimming with the energy of youth, so I can understand why you would incorrectly label him as 'energetic', when you should be referring to him as 'youthful'."

"Wow," Jiraiya mumbled returning to his spot on the tiny couch Naruto owned, "Thank you for clearing that one up, kid. I was really concerned with which adjective best describes Naruto, that's great. Now I know."

Lee, unable to detect sarcasm, struck the nice guy pose before dropping to the floor and starting his daily regiment of several thousand pushups.

"What's that smell..." The blonde muttered, pushing himself to a sitting position, still in his own doorway.

"Well, Kakashi told me about your...situation...so I thought I'd swing by with some lunch to-"

"No way!" Naruto shouted, jumping up and holding his hands out in front of him as if to shield himself from the perverted intentions of his sensei, "I am NOT going to do anything you say for food! I've come WAY too far to fail now that I'm almost safe!"

"You do realize that by succeeding in the mission, you're failing at life, though, right?" The perverted hermit asked seriously, his eyes narrowed into thin lines that made him look almost comical.

"Yeah, already covered that with Kakashi-sensei."

"That hypocritical bastard!"

"What?"

Jiraiay snapped his fingers, looking away, "It's nothing, it's nothing..." Of course, it was most definitely not nothing. He was, at the moment, recalling a certain Hyuuga about to take the plunge at a certain hot springs before a certain rock thrown by a certain jounin knocked her out...hearing about this verbal swing of opinions on Kakashi's part had him certainly pissed.

"Whatever. I can't go out and get food, so it's still a good thing you brought some!" Naruto exclaimed, digging through the brown paper bag sitting on his counter.

"I got you the ramen with the egg in it. I thought that's what you liked, so it's in there. I'll get you seconds if you-"

"If you're not about to say 'if you finish all of it', then don't say anything," The blonde stated seriously, pausing his rummaging to send a grim glare to Jiraiya, who sighed.

The perverted hermit stood up, stretching his arms up over his head as he successfully pulled off a yawn, "Well, I guess I can't convince you to play things the way I would, so I guess there's no helping it. I'll have to find my research material elsewhere. It's too bad...I would have been able to train you a lot sooner if I could find the data I needed...I guess there's no helping it..." He slowly made his way for the door, waiting for Naruto to stop him.

"Yep, too bad," Was the only response he got.

"Damn, I thought you'd cave at that point. Is there really no persuading you? Wait, why should I HAVE to persuade you? You're not...you know, not-straight, right?"

"Of course I'm not not-straight!" Naruto exclaimed, plopping down on his couch with the plastic bowl containing the ramen before him, "I just have morals!"

"Well, there's morals, and then there's stupidity, Naruto. I'll let you think about that," Jiraiya opened the door, but paused to ask over his shoulder, "What's going on with your bathroom? It looks like it's been sandblasted, and there's a big hole in the wall..."

"1,004, 1,005, 1,006...You don't want to know," Lee answered in-between pushups.

"One last thing...You still don't do that whole 'finish the whole meal in a couple of bites' thing, do you?" Jiraiya was slowly closing the door, now.

"You still don't do that whole 'finish the whole night in a couple of seconds' thing, do you?" Naruto retorted, waiting to see what Jiraiya would say. All he got was a gaping mouth and wide eyes as the door quietly clicked shut, "I'll take that as a yes," Naruto concluded.

"1,072, 1,073, 1,074...What did that mean, Naruto?" Lee asked, not slowing his youthful pushup speed.

"I don't know," The blonde admitted, slapping his hands together in anticipation for the glorious smelling food, "Kakashi-sensei told me say that when the perverted hermit got on my nerves. Whatever it meant, it shut him up, at least. Honestly, if he isn't going to help train me or something...geez, wasting my time."

-

Jiraiya snickered sinisterly, running at full speed down the streets of Konoha to get away from his pupil's apartment and to safety. Moving at superhuman speeds, the perverted hermit had gotten halfway across the village and into his base of operations in under four seconds. He descended down the concealed hatch and into the dark lair of his even darker plans.

He had surmised that Naruto probably still inhaled his food, and judging from the smart-ass comment he had gotten prior to his hasty escape, he had been right. That was good, very good. It meant that Naruto wouldn't catch the subtle flavor of the secret ingredient to the ramen in time, having already ingested all of it, in all of its chakra enhancing goodness.

"Genma!" Jiraiya called out down the inky black corridor as he traversed through it, "I trust you've got everything operational?"

The grunt he heard from the end of the darkness signaled a yes. As the perverted hermit stepped into the soft glow of countless television screens, he exhaled deeply as a great feeling of accomplishment washed over him.

"Tell me again why I'm helping you..." Genma muttered weakly, the needle in his mouth bouncing up and down with the motions of his tongue.

"Because Shizune would be terribly embarrassed if these were to leak," Jiraiya flashed Genma the photos he had snapped of the two jounins expressing their feelings for one another in a rather adult-like manner. The expressing was taking place beside a hot spring, in a public venue, unfortunately for Genma. This is why Jiraiya had been able to utilize his voyeuristic talents so masterfully...meaning he had pictures with several different angles.

"Yeah, now I remember. So they're all up and running, all two thousand of them," The jounin swung his arm in a wide semicircle to indicate the massive underground room they were in, which was completely filled with screens depicting all of Konoha, "I can hardly believe that we set all of this up...and in one night...God, I'm tired..."

"Suck it up, because it's all about to pay off, big time!" Jiraiya stuffed the pictures back into his bag, careful to clasp it closed to keep Genma's hands off.

"There's no noise, though, so you'll just have to deal without it."

"Oh, I took care of that," Jiraiya slapped on a headset, "I planted a bug in Naruto's hair, cleverly disguising it as a punch! He's none the wiser, and I get to hear everything!"

"Really thought this one through haven't you, you sick twisted son of a bitch?" Genma muttered through clenched teeth.

"Of course! I've coerced the Akamichis into giving me their most potent chakra enhancing pill of all...the white honey pill..."

"Honey's not white..." The jounin stated quietly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"The red pepper pill grants chakra increase of a hundred fold! The downside is that it typically ends in death for the person who consumes it. The white honey pill, however, grants a thousand times the user's chakra, and no one has ever survived it!" Jiraiya laughed maniacally as he stated this.

"And you put that thing in Naruto's food? He's gonna die!"

"But there's a loophole! I saw when the Ninetailed Fox and the Shukaku were in the sky together. It's no coincidence that the aura is fading away after that event! The Ninetailed Fox releases incredible amounts of chakra when it mates...and since the users of the chakra enhancing pills typically die because their bodies just can't handle all of the chakra..."

"You're saying...that he'll die if he doesn't have sex? To release the chakra...he has to let the Ninetailed Fox make doodles?" The needle in Genma's mouth slipped out and fell to the ground.

"Exactly. But with a thousand times Naruto's chakra? He'll have to make doodles with almost every girl in the village to get rid of enough chakra before it tears his body apart. I heard that the aura's range was ten yards, but with this boost it should go up to ten-thousand yards, which means there won't be any escape!" The perverted hermit resumed his laughing as the ground beneath them began to tremble.

Genma turned wide eyes to the screen showing Naruto's apartment, stunned to find the entire complex being consumed in blue waves of chakra. The image of the Ninetailed fox in the background, glowing a fearsome crimson, told him all he needed to know. Naruto had eaten the ramen, and Jiraiya's plan was now underway.

_-----Author's other note: Brilliant, yes? There will be no escape, and Naruto now must die, find another way to release chakra at a rate faster than what Jiraiya hopes,_ _or simply give in to what's been building this entire story. Everyone's going to play a part in the finale, even the guys! They must save the innocence of the women they love/respect/are related to! All out insanity shall ensue, and I hope you'll be there to see it. Once again, I apologize for...I think 'false advertising' sort of fits...and sorry for the long update time, I didn't want an 8,000+ word chapter. I'll do better with this next one. Thanks for reading...-----_


	10. Coming To An End Pt 1

_-----Author's note: Ok, you know what? My quarter just ended, and the weather is crappy. This is the final stretch of Mating Season, but I want to approach it a little differently than I originally did...when was it, three or four nights ago? Whatever._

_I am going to upload a new chapter every two nights until I finish Jiraiya's plan, at which point I should have exhausted every little joke and idea I have for this story. This way, I can write a little more and have something to do while the weather sucks. If people get pissed because of this and want to cause me physical harm, I wish you the best of luck in doing so. I don't think anyone should, however, because it means there will be a bit more to peruse, and I can explore...poorly chosen word...every last bloody facet to this. Besides, this means you get to read a little more every two nights starting now as opposed to a few chapters worth in one sitting only God knows when! It will be done in four to six nights, maybe eight, I'm not sure._

_Yes, I AM an indecisive little ponce, thank you for noticing._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Kakashi paused to look over his shoulder. He felt an incredible power explode into existence. It was like nothing he had ever felt before in his life. Nothing could compare to the sheer energy in the air. But just as quickly as it had appeared, it vanished. He would have sworn the ground beneath him had quivered in the wake of the awe inspiring strength that had just seconds ago echoed throughout existence, silencing crying babies and making old men tear up.

"What the hell was that?" The copy ninja couldn't help but ask aloud, looking around a little bit as if the confused people around him could give him some sort of an answer. He was met with equally puzzled looks, though what happened next gave him some sort of an idea of what was happening.

-

"Yeah, so..." Shikamaru looked from Ino to Temari, wondering how in the hell life got so complicated that he had this kind of problem on his plate. Other guys would kill to be in this situation, but Shikamaru would kill those guys to be out of it. Why couldn't one girl have feelings for him? Just one. She didn't have to be a beauty queen like either of these two. She didn't even need some sort of special quality or trait. Hell freaking no. He'd be perfectly fine with your average, run of the mill girl. But no, he was cursed to being the target of two, count them, two different gorgeous girl's affections. Life sucked.

'_Holy hell, feelings suck!' _He thought, amazed that he was getting flustered.

"Well?" Ino asked impatiently, ready to knock both of them out and be done with it. At the very least, she could drag Shikamaru away afterward to either A) Tie him up and throw him in a river, B) Hide him from Temari because if she can't have him, herself, than nobody else is going to, or C) Do what she wants with the guy, then move on. Or in. To his place. Because she loves him.

'_God dammit, feelings suck!' _Ino shouted at herself mentally.

"Yeah, what's the problem? It should be an easy choice!" Temari was getting impatient, too. God, just comparing the two of them should make it clear who he should pick. Not only did they both look very different physically, but anyone could tell that they were VERY different inside, too. Geez, she was getting ready to knock the two of them out and be done with it. At the very least, she could drag Shikamaru away afterward to either A) Tie him up and abandon him in the desert, B) Hide him from Ino because if she can't have him, herself, than nobody else is going to, or C) Do what she wants with the guy, then move on. Or in. To his place. Because she loves him.

'_Son of a bitch, feelings suck!' _Temari growled inwardly.

The ground beneath the three trembled slightly, a wave of power washing over them. It was odd. Odd, and somewhat beautiful. In a very unattractive and hypocritical sense of the word, anyway. Before he knew what was happening, Shikamaru was gazing at two flushed beauties, barely audible groans passing over their lips as their eyes sort of glazed over. He was thrown to the ground so viciously as they dashed by that he honest to God bounced.

-

"It's...It's really hard for me to do this..."

"...T-To talk?"

Shino Aburame nodded a little bit to affirm that Hinata Hyuuga had hit the nail on the head with that assumption. The two were currently in the forests outside of the village, where they had been training, "B-But it's even harder when it's about...you know...feelings."

"Y-You know you can tell me anything, Shino. After all, we're teammates, and we need to be honest with each other," Hinata gave him a friendly smile and set her hand on his knee. That alone was one of the more forward things Hinata had ever done in her life (That she can recall), and it made Shino's palms start to sweat a little bit.

He wanted desperately to say the first thing that had come to his mind, which was that he wanted her to take the 'team' out of 'teammates', but he just couldn't see himself doing it. For a long while, now, he had tried to ignore the thoughts he had been having of her, believing that she had some sort of affection for Naruto. The harder he tried to bottle these thoughts and feelings up, however, the harder they became to bottle up and forget. Her touch alone was making him start to sweat nervously, and words were about to fall out as even an option. His throat was so dry...Using all of his willpower, he brought his eyes up to face her's, opened his mouth, and...froze.

Hinata was trembling a little bit, her face was red, and a thin stream of blood was working its way down onto her upper lip. Before he could even say 'I want to be your love bug', his cleverly invented line, he was knocked violently onto his side only to watch as Hinata made a mad dash for the village.

-

"I...I can't do anymore...p-please, stop!"

"Oh, you want me to stop? Do you really? I told you I would when you wanted me to."

"Ah...Y-Yes...Stop..."

"Are you sure?"

"...No, don't stop! Don't ever stop!"

Iruka Umino's fist was poised to knock on Anko's door, but he found that knocking seemed like one of the worst ideas he had ever had. Rather, listening intently with his ear pressed to the door sounded better. Much better.

Neji Hyuuga was in front of him, ear pressed to the door in a similar fashion. He was doused by a shot of blood when Tenten let out a scream, which signified that she had either A) Felt something REALLY good, B) Felt something bad but REALLY liked it, or C) She was hurt. Neji, fearing that option C might be the one, as is the case with most guys who worry about a girl, kicked the door down and stormed Anko's apartment.

What he saw will forever change his opinion of both girls, whether it be for the better or worse shall be left for each individual person to decide for themselves. Whichever way his opinion of them was swayed, the opinion he held of himself was body-slammed by an eyeful of completely innocent training between two female ninjas.

"What the hell? What are you knocking my door down for, you spaz?" Anko barked, coming up out of her fighting stance, the tonfas she held in her hands now directed at Neji, as opposed to their original target, Tenten.

"Why is there blood all over your head? Are you ok?" Tenten asked, rushing to his side. She left her two tonfa where she had been standing, a few feet away rom Anko. All of Anko's meager belongings had been shoved aside to give them enough room to train. The jounin had insisted on them doing it at her place so no one would have to know that she was training someone. Everyone would want a piece of that action if the information were to leak.

Unfortunately for her, however, Iruka had been eyeing her for awhile, now, and had seen her bring Tenten to her place for the training session. Neji had bumped into him in searching for Tenten, so the two had temporarily joined forces in an attempt to confront the women. The rest is forty-five-second-old history.

"Uh, actually..." The guys said in unison, "We were kinda hoping you'd want to grab a cup of coffee, or something?"

The two girls stared at the two guys, both noticing a slight trembling beneath their feet. They began to sweat just slightly, their faces taking on an impressive crimson shade just before their eyes glazed over.

'_Ha, look at that. She's blushing, and lost for words. That look in her eyes must be the fabled schoolgirl-love-sparkle, too. I am just too much,' _Neji held back a grin, as he had grown very proficient at doing so over the years, as he patted himself on the back just hard enough to knock himself over. Really hard. In fact, so hard that he hit his head on the floor, and sent Tenten sprinting out the busted door and down the street.

Anko was shortly after, having barreled by Iruka so fast that he found himself thrown up against the wall. As he slid down onto the floor, he couldn't help but think, _'Was it really such a bad offer?'_

-

"Akamaru! You stop that, right now!"

The dog, however, was far too involved at the moment to heed Kiba's orders, and only quickened his actions.

"Akamaru, I'm serious! You get off that dog, right now!" Kiba Inuzuka roared, finger aimed at his dog and the dog beneath his dog. They were all outside in Kiba's backyard, smack in the middle of what was proving to be yet another day of trying to keep Akamaru from making a decision he would most likely regret later. After all, that's what friends were for, right? "Akamaru, I've seen that dog with other dogs! She's screwing around behind your back! ...Or...other dogs are screwing around behind her back! ...Or ...she's...you know what, you stop because I told you to!"

Akamaru looked at Kiba like he was insane, not stopping his movement at all. In fact, it looked like he was kicking it up a notch, much to Kiba's chagrin. Before the owner could stomp over and force his dog off of the neighborhood floozy, his sister practically tore the door off of its hinges in her rush to escape the house and speed off towards the village.

"Hana! What is it?" Kiba called after his unresponsive sister. With a groan, he followed after her. If there was trouble, he was going to be a part of it! As he moved to follow the same path of his sister, his mom rushed by him, pushing him to the ground as she passed. He looked up from the ground, wondering what in the hell was their hurry.

-

Kurenai, Tsunade, and Shizune watched as Asuma squirmed a little bit, obviously uncomfortable with his current position, which he promptly told the three women. Being the benevolent ladies that they are, the three women listened and scratched his nose and forearm, though he stoutly refused to tell them what they wanted to hear. Being that he was currently tied up and hanging from the ceiling pf Tsunade's office didn't really help his willingness, either.

"You know you want to tell us what she said..." Shizune teasingly twirled her finger around on Asuma's chest, which was facing the floor.

"I'll tell you what Kurenai said to Naruto when you grow a pair and impregnate Hokage-sama," Asuma stubbornly refused, closing his eyes and turning his head as much as he could to look away. God he was wishing he had a cigarette, right about now.

"That's impossible!" Kurenai exclaimed, aggravated.

"Yeah, I'm menopausal," Tsunade finished casually.

Asuma clenched his eyes shut tight after hearing that word, gritting his teeth, "That shouldn't be the impossible part..."

Before the conversation got carried any further, the building trembled just slightly enough that it could be felt, and nearby objects vibrated just a little. He heard the door fly open, at which point Asuma opened his eyes to find that he was quite alone in the room, "Hey!" He called out after the three, "You crazy bitches took my smokes! Come back!"

-

Mr. Ichiraku looked back and forth, not surprised to find that business was slow, yet again. The only customer they had, at the moment, was the pink-haired girl that Naruto loved to daydream about. ...Wow, he never thought he'd have to use 'pink hair' as a way to identify someone, especially to himself. Shrugging the thought off, the owner of the stand that Naruto loved so much continued to go about his cooking business, leaving the socializing with the customer up to Ayame.

"...But I really don't see why you don't give him a chance," Ayame said quietly, using her finger to poke down an ice cube in her glass.

"Because he doesn't deserve one, that's why. He's so stupid, I can't believe you'd even think I should give him a shot," Sakura replied, looking at her ramen more than eating it.

"But he can be sweet, too. He always tries his best, and he says nice things...when he can think of them."

"Think? That's a funny word to describe Kiba."

"Well, I think that if he's really trying to learn, you should tutor him. He did ask, after all."

"Just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I can teach an idiot."

"Oh well. ...So, do you like Naruto?"

"No! That's a terrible question. ...Besides, I don't know why, but when I think of him, I start to want to wear a nurse's uniform. ...And wonder why my hair is pink," Sakura admitted, wondering if she should have just told that to the girl that Naruto probably sees every blessed night.

"Ooh, that sounds like lo..." Ayame trailed off as the ground beneath them quivered just barely, and she began to get hot. Her breathing picked up speed, and her eyes sort of dimmed a little.

Before Mr. Ichiraku knew it, he was the only one at the stand. A little frustrated, he threw his apron down and stomped into the back, "Why do I even bother?"

-

Jiraiya, still laughing rather maniacally, watched the screen which had Kakashi smack in the center of it. The copy ninja was spinning around in confusion, gawking at the women around him in the street. They were beginning to sweat and tug uncomfortably at their clothes, breathing harder and harder as each second went by. He barely had time to escape before the women started a stampede down the street, to what destination only God knew. That's right, Jiraiya was beginning to feel like God, and he was loving every second of it.

Genma's voice snapped him out of his happy thoughts, "You bastard! How dare you do something like this to Naruto? He trusted you! You've fought alongside one another, risking your very lives as brothers would! You were almost a father to the guy!"

"Then I will do for Naruto what my father did for me..." Jiraiya replied in a low tone.

"Your father set you up for death or crazy mob sex?"

Jiraiya let the question fall, because that was another story for another time. Actually, he was too absorbed with the screen displaying Naruto's apartment to care much what Genma had to say, at the moment.

-

The oceanic blue chakra erupting from Naruto like a geyser receded from sight as it faded away into nothing, leaving hardly any trace that it had even been there at all.

Lee, sprawled out on the ground with his hands over his head, yelled out, "Naruto, what was that?"

The blonde shinobi looked around as if he was expecting something else to happen, but was pleasantly surprised to find that nothing at all was coming his way. No pain, no trouble, no nothing, "I don't know. Either that was the best damn ramen I've ever had, or we've been painting for too long."

"W-We haven't painted anything, Naruto..."

"Then that was the best damn ramen I've ever had! I'll have to ask ero-sennin where he got it from. Actually...there's a flavor in there that I can't quite place," He began to work his tongue around in his mouth as though it might help him figure it out, "Sort of like honey...that's weird. Never tasted anything like that, before."

Sitting up now that he was sure nothing bad was happening, Lee looked around for a few seconds as he sensed something in the air. ...But what? "Naruto, do you feel that?"

The blonde stopped talking to himself, also beginning to feel something in the air. He had felt it before...but it couldn't be that. There was no way, because no woman would willingly come within ten yards of his apartment, "Oh, ouch," Naruto whispered to himself after thinking that, "My pride..."

The green spandex wearing ninja rose to his feet, slowly spinning around to completely scope the room as he edged towards Naruto, "This is bad, Naruto. I don't know what it is...but it feels bad. But not just your normal everyday bad...it feels like...a youthful kind of bad...REALLY youthful...like..."

"Naughty?" Naruto suggested meekly, cowering behind Lee. He had his back pressed up against his friend's, so that they could see in both directions at once. They both knelt down simultaneously as though it would provide them with a little extra cover from the feeling in the air. Both felt a little embarrassed that they were hiding from a feeling, but neither one was going to confront it unless they absolutely had to.

The bobbed-haired ninja's eyes widened as his gaze caught the little bit of ramen juice in Naruto's near empty plastic bowl. It was vibrating as though something were approaching. It was barely visible, but it was very gradually growing stronger and more noticeable. When the feeling took on the form of noise, that's when the two both began to panic.

"Go get the C-BOY!" Naruto yelled, curling up into a ball to help shield himself from what was coming.

"You get it!" Lee shouted in response, "I'll hold off the women!" He ran over to the door, flinging it open.

Naruto would have sworn that even Lee's clothes paled as soon as that door had opened, and he saw what the blonde would soon discover to be an ocean of stampeding female hormones. Not the kind that men are typically afraid (and even try to avoid) of, but the kind that scared Naruto, and rightly so.

"N-Naruto...my f-friend...you really should g-get your C-BOY..." The youthful ninja could almost feel the youth being sucked out of him as the throng of women grew ever closer, the dust clouds they were kicking up blotting out the very sun.

_-----Author's other note: I'm never promising an ending ever again, I've learned a lesson, today. And the other days before this one, that led up to this one. I can't ever stick to anything, anyway. Except the every two nights thing. If I've forgotten/neglected a girl you wanted to see, tell me and tell me fast, because I'll have the next one up in two nights. I'm gonna go write more, now._ _Thanks for reading...-----_


	11. Coming To An End Pt 2

_-----Author's note: As promised, right on time, the next chapter. Thank you for three hundred reviews, too! You guys rock! I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

The calm...it was unbearable. There was no noise...there was no motion...nothing. None of it. It was as if all sense but sight had failed the world in that moment, leaving behind the sour aftertaste of hope. The hope that they had successfully evaded succeeding at life, as Kakashi put it. When in reality, all they managed to do was to put off the inevitable, it seemed. Now that Lee was standing in Naruto's doorway, looking out at the unfathomable ocean of women before him, he realized that success was not an option. There was absolutely no way in hell that he could keep every last one of the women away from his blonde friend. His innocence, whatever tattered remains of it that had survived the week, would soon be lost in the flames of misguided passion.

Naruto, who was still curled up into the fetal position on his floor, could hardly move. He didn't know whether this was because he was about to have a mental breakdown, or maybe because deep down in his subconscious, he was dying for them to storm his house right then and there. No one could say he hadn't tried. If anyone could have seen the past week of his life in detail, watching every last bit, it would be impossible for them to truthfully say that he hadn't tried his damned best to be a gentleman. He had turned down so much...SO very, very much, and in the end, his only reward was to get his ass kicked by Gaara for a misunderstanding between him and his sister. But maybe...maybe his real reward for being so chivalrous was today, in some kind of twisted, ironic way.

"Naruto...You've been through so much this week..." Lee whispered, a hand on each side of the doorway's frame as he stared defiantly out into the sea of women. The sound of his own voice surprised him, the strength he could detect in it. He knew it was impossible to stop them all, but he was going to go down doing everything in his power to help his friend, because that's what REAL friends do for each other. Youth wasn't even a factor, anymore. The two were true friends, and they would always be so, even when they were both old and decrepit, "...And I won't let all of your effort go for nothing!"

"Spoken like a true ninja, Lee," A familiar voice stopped Lee a split second before he lunged out to certain doom.

Both teens felt that sour taste of lost hope blossom into the sweet honey flavored goodness known as renewed hope when that blessed voice touched their ears. Naruto even managed to stir slightly from his fetal position, turning his head to look at who he knew would be his savior if anyone was capable of it. Kakashi flashed into appearance in the center of Naruto's apartment, a slight grimace apparent on his stern face.

"K-Kakashi-sensei, you gotta do something!" The blonde pleaded with his old sensei, "I've never needed your help so bad!"

"Naruto...I know. There's no way you can take care of every woman out there, and I don't think any sane person could expect you to," The copy ninja rushed to Lee's side, looking out at the swarm of estrogen below.

"Why are they just waiting out there?" Lee ventured to ask, still holding fast to his spot between the door's frame.

"It's the calm before the storm, Lee, and there's probably only going to be a minute, two minutes of it tops. They all know there's nowhere to go. Every woman of child bearing maturity from every village within an approximate distance of five miles is either around this apartment, or on her way here at breakneck speed. They know that he's...screwed," Kakashi shook his head slowly from side to side, not even cracking a grin at his poorly designed pun.

"It's never stopped them before now! They just kept freaking attacking me! Sakura-chan hit me in the head with a wrench so hard that I busted through a hospital floor, for God's sake!" Naruto sprung to his feet, "Now you're telling me that they're all just standing out there, waiting? Waiting for what?"

"Kid..." The copy ninja whispered, motioning for the blonde to come to his side, "I think you need to see this to appreciate the severity of the situation..."

Somewhat nervously, Naruto did as he was told, although he did so quite slowly. He stuck his head out to get a look, and was greeted by clothes being thrown up into the air in celebration of his appearance. Screams of desire and need pierced through the village like a kid's finger through the icing of a cake at a birthday party. That means it pierced through it smooth, but noticeably.

The three ninja jumped back into the center of the room, all three thoroughly afraid for what was going to happen. Lee reached over and tugged the bra off of Naruto's head.

"Why are all of these women after me, now? I thought that the aura was going away!"

"Before the women went completely nymphomaniacal for you a minute ago, there was a huge explosion of power. You had to have felt it..."

Lee nodded so hard that the jounin feared the youthful teen's eyebrows were going to rip right off his face, "We did, we did! It was the ramen!" He swung his accusatory finger down at the plastic bowl, which sat there. Never before did a ninja feel he could place the blame for a bad situation on a bowl with a little ramen juice left in it more than Lee did at that moment.

"What do you mean?" Kakashi asked gently, kneeling down and scooping the bowl up to get a little sniff of it.

"...No way...you'd better be wrong, Lee, or I'm...GOD DAMMIT! YOU'RE RIGHT!" Naruto screamed, kicking his sofa so hard it swung up into the air and across the room into a wall.

Kakashi looked to Lee, who promptly explained, "Jiraiya-sama showed up and brought this lunch for Naruto! He must have put something in it!"

"Ah...there's only one thing that could give such an enormous chakra boost...but there's no way that he would give such a thing to Naruto...is there?" The copy ninja mused quietly, setting the bowl back down gently on the table.

-

"Oh, there is, you backstabbing fool!" Jiraiya laughed, tapping his headset with two fingers as he skipped around in a circle in a rather girlish fashion.

Genma watched as he did this, beginning to wonder just how sane Jiraiya actually was.

-

"If he did...that's the only thing I can think of that would have such an affect on anyone. But that means that all of the chakra in you will..." Kakashi turned a wide eye to Naruto, hardly able to believe that his very life might be in danger. When it was just his chastity, it had been pretty much a joke that he planned on laughing at for the rest of his life. But now? Things were getting serious, now.

"Wh-What is it, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, wide-eyed and terrified.

The jounin looked back down into those big blue eyes, trying to process what was happening, "But he would never want you to die..."

"What are you talking about?" Lee asked, beginning to fear the women's approach, as they were starting to grow louder.

"...That's it...that night, when the two demons were in the sky...all of that chakra that was released...he must have seen it. He knows that the only way for...but...that's going too far..." Kakashi looked like he was ready to hit the bottle and drink himself to sleep. In fact, there was a high probability of that happening in the near future, he suspected.

"Kakashi, they're getting restless!" Naruto started to get nervous. More nervous, "What do we do?"

The copy ninja thought about it for a moment. There had to be a way to get rid of all of Naruto's excess chakra in a better way. He just needed time to think of that way. The ground began to shake as the women launched themselves forward, ready to take what they had come for, "RUN!" Kakashi shouted, grabbing Naruto and Lee by the collars and rushing for the hole in Naruto's bathroom.

-

"Run all you like, Kakashi, you can't escape," Jiraiya muttered softly, listening intently to the sound of frenzied footsteps, coupled with the cries of amorous women growing ever louder, "And now that you know what's going on, you know that you will have to let him do it!"

With a frown, Genma asked, "Why the hell are you giving the play by play commentary, you head case?"

"For dramatic effect, you smart-ass, now shut up and watch!"

-

Kakashi came to a screeching halt as Anko dove in through the gap in Naruto's bathroom wall, at the moment wearing only her fishnet clothing. Lee jumped in front of Naruto, poised to kick the jounin's head clean off of her shoulders if she refused to be cooperative.

"Naruto-kun, I think we should ditch these two and experiment a little bit..." The woman purred, producing several various objects that Naruto couldn't name. One of them, however, did strike him as a little odd.

"What's going on with the purple pickle?" He asked, tilting his head to the side a little, as though that was going to help him figure out what it was.

"Well, I'm so very glad you asked. You see-"

Lee's arm shot out, catching her by the wrist before she could demonstrate what that particular tool was for, "Naruto! RU-"

Now Lee was cut off as the chunk of purple plastic was thrust deep into his mouth just a split second before he was kicked in the side so hard that he was sent crashing through the remaining good wall in the bathroom.

Forming seals as he spoke, Kakashi couldn't help but ask, "Did you seriously just stick that in his mouth?"

"I wouldn't have had to if Naruto-kun would have done me the favor, first. Now, come here baby!" Anko lunged forward, a simple four inches away from making contact with her target before she was blown away by a jet of water exploding from Naruto's showerhead. The water had taken on the form of a dragon as it went, Kakashi's jutsu stopping her just in time.

"Come on, she's not the worst of things!" Kakashi shouted, not surprised when the entire apartment complex began to waiver and groan under the sudden rush of new weight. The two jumped out through the gap in the wall and over the pulsating mass of screaming women, clearing a large gap to land safely on the roof of the next building as they did.

They hadn't even moved two feet before Tsunade and Shizune were standing before them, both eyeing Naruto like he was a chunk of raw meat and they were starving animals.

"Yeah, definitely not the worst of it..." Kakashi mumbled, looking around frantically for some sort of hope.

"Naruto-kun," The two women spoke in unison, inching forward as they loosened their clothes, "I think it's about time we show you a fun new spin on the game 'doctor'..."

Before anything else could be done or said, weapons rained down all over the group of four like a springtime shower gone horribly wrong. Tsunade and Shizune jumped back to safety, granting Naruto just a little more breathing space. Kakashi and his blonde pupil looked up to the source of the attack, both a little disheartened to find Tenten dropping down from the sky.

They turned to make a dash to the side, but Sakura and Ino had just jumped up onto the roof, both looking rather pleased with the situation.

"We never could share Sasuke..." Sakura admitted softly, knocking fists with Ino as the two started towards the doomed blonde.

"But we won't make that mistake with you, Naruto-kun..." Ino finished, sliding her arm sleeves off.

The two increasingly cornered males spun to try and flee to their other side, but were met by a rather unpleasant sight in two Inuzuka family members. Kiba's mother and sister were growling in what could have easily been mistaken for anger. It was more like they were telling the other women to back the hell off, but no one was going to listen.

The sky filled up with several figures as Anbu members took to the air, having found their target. The floor nearby broke apart as Hinata powered her way through the stone and jumped up onto the roof. She spun, thrusting her foot up into Tenten's stomach before the girl could land, sending her flying up into the air and into an Anbu member. She then sent a palm speeding into Hana's face, sending the daughter sprawling down onto the mother, both tumbling over the side of the building. Not slowing down at all, the typically meek Hyuuga whipped around, flinging two kunais in the direction of Sakura and Ino, who dove aside to dodge them.

"You bitches back the hell off!" Hinata screamed, adjusting her stance to pull off her greatest move, the Protection of the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms. Her movements so fast that not a single eye there could follow them, chakra blades began shooting down members of Anbu at a rate that no one originally thought possible. Tsunade and Shizune were both struck, and sent stumbling back over the side of the building. Ino and Sakura were hit in similar fashions, but were plowed down through the roof and into the groaning structure.

"Good God in heaven..." Kakashi muttered to himself, lifting his headband to watch her moving with his Sharingan, "I didn't know she could do that..."

Naruto pulled Kakashi down to the ground beside him to help make him a smaller target for the chakra blades. He needed to keep the white-haired jounin with him at all costs, because without him, he was as good as screwed. He didn't even take time to grin at his poorly formed pun.

Once the last member of Anbu had been successfully removed from the sky, Hinata stopped her onslaught, throwing a fist into the air, "Hell yeah! Naruto is MY man!"

The two guys slowly stood up, the building's wavering beneath them now quite noticeable. Hinata dashed across the short distance between herself and Naruto, and jumped up into the air, wrapping her arms and legs around him as she locked him into the deepest kiss he had ever had. Temari in the shower didn't even compare.

He stood there, arms waving around frantically at his sides as his eyes shot to Kakashi for help. He tried to say: 'Kakashi-sensei! Help me!', but it came out muffled and a little wet.

"I-I don't know...I think she kinda deserves you, after that," The copy ninja admitted, rubbing the back of his neck as he watched the two go at it.

Naruto muffled another cry for help, at which point Kakashi stepped forward, deciding he had better do something. Hinata was too nice for it to be her that Naruto uses to release all of the chakra. Well, at least-BAM! Kakashi had made the fatal mistake of getting too close to Hinata when she was under the influence of the mating aura. Her foot had instinctively shot out to the side, catching him between the legs, mortally wounding him. Or, at least, it felt like a mortal wound.

Naruto's eyes widened as Kakashi crumpled to the ground, curling up into a ball and groaning in pain. He stumbled back a step, falling backwards, with Hinata still on top. She immediately discarded his orange jacket, digging her nails into his chest through his black shirt as she continued to kiss him.

-

"YES!" Jiraiya pumped his fists into the air, watching Naruto on one of his many screens as the Hyuuga girl was finally taking charge of the situation, "I'll bet you wish you had just let her do it with him at the hot springs, now, Kakashi! You brought this on yourself!"

Genma, who was watching a different screen, let out a sigh of relief as he saw someone rise up from the sea of ladies. He appeared to be heading towards the epicenter of the earthquake of women, having been alerted by the use of a familiar jutsu.

"What? WHAT? NO!" Jiraiya shouted, putting both hands on the screen as the moment was destroyed in one fell swoop.

-

Neji Hyuuga grabbed his cousin by the hair, spinning with her and flinging her as hard and far as he could over the side of the building. He looked down at the twitching Naruto on the ground, "What the HELL is going on? I thought that whole hot springs trip was just a bad dream, but I'm missing a day, and now this? EXPLAIN!"

The sound of a ladder being dropped against the side of one of the many holes in the ceiling caught their attention, drawing frightened looks from both. Women began to climb up the ladder and fill up room on the roof at a rate that had both teens horrified.

A crash sounded from beneath them, causing the entire building to begin crumbling in on itself.

-

"Wow, what a punch," Genma mumbled to himself at how a single punch from Tsunade had completely blown out the entire first floor of the building Naruto was on.

-

Kakashi, forcing an unbelievable recovery against such a devastating attack, pushed himself to his feet, and scooped Naruto up. The blonde held on for dear life as the jounin jumped over the side of the falling building, his boot landing square on a face that was hungry for Naruto. The graceful ninja jumped from head to head atop the pulsating river of flesh, using all of his maneuverability to its fullest, dodging outstretched hands which threatened grab him and pull him and Naruto down into the depths.

Neji followed suit, realizing quite clearly that whatever the problem was, Naruto was at the center of it. While jumping along shoulders after the jounin toting Naruto, Neji was joined by Lee, whose clothes were torn up, and his face rather bruised.

"Lee, are you alright? What's going on, here?" The genin asked his fellow teammate, the two speeding along down the street.

Before Lee could speak, Kiba and Shino had joined their ranks.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Kiba shouted, making sure to stomp rather hard on the top of someone's head as he hurried to keep up with the other three.

"An explanation would be good," Shino echoed Kiba's sentiments.

"An explanation would be REALLY good, actually," The final person to join their little group was Shikamaru, and he was looking thoroughly displeased with how the day was turning out.

-

Jiraiya was rubbing his hands through his hair in frustration as he watched Kakashi jump from person to person, somehow managing to stay above the swarm. "How is that possible?" The perverted hermit groaned, "He needs to make his damned mind up, and stick the hell with it! He's seriously pissing me off!"

"But you've gotta give him credit for sticking his neck out like that for the kid," The blackmailed jounin accompanying Jiraiya stated, "Because there's a big old guillotine called 'Naruto's death' hanging out there ready to slice straight through him if he doesn't let blondie take part in any games. ...Have I mentioned you're an evil bastard?"

"We've been over it. HA!" Jiraiya pointed to one of the screens as Kakashi's ankle was grabbed, and he was pulled down into the abyss.

-

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto yelled as the copy ninja used all the strength he could muster to lob the teen back to the group of five male ninjas. Lee managed to grab a hold of him and stay above the flow of people, though just barely.

"I'm trusting his fate to you five!" Kakashi yelled, slowly being absorbed into the mass, "Whatever happens to him is up to you to decide, because I can't do it! This is an S-class mission!" He was momentarily cut off as an elbow bashed into his forehead, sending him down even faster, "Protect Naruto from all of this, or find an awesome way for him to go down! That pun was intentional!"

Shikamaru wasn't sure if he was hearing the jounin correctly, or not. He was acting like this was a game, for God's sake.

"Whatever you decide, I'll buy you at least a little time! Whatever you do, don't look!" Kakashi formed a quick seal, slamming his fist to the ground. A wave of chakra pulsed through the earth beneath him, sending all of the women within ten feet of him to the ground, "Hey all you women!" He shouted, standing tall amongst the little breathing space he had given himself.

"No way..." Kiba muttered as all of the women who could hear him turned to look. The five ninjas, Naruto in tow, jumped up from the crowd and onto yet another building. They all started to leave, knowing that time was in short supply.

Kakashi lowered his head a little, closing his eyes as he slowly brought his hand up to his face. Just like it had for Naruto back in the hospital to accentuate the moment, a slight breeze picked up at just the right moment to complete his ultimate sacrifice. He was glad that none of the women would remember any of this...

-

"Genma!" Jiraiya shouted, "Don't look!"

-

In one quick motion, Kakashi had grabbed his mask, and had flung it into the air. The women closest to him were hit the hardest. Massive blood loss occurred in the form of nosebleeds, and most were knocked utterly unconscious by the sheer perfection that had been unleashed upon them, totally overloading their senses. The women who weren't instantly floored by the exposure of Kakashi's inhumanly gorgeous face were so awed by it, that the name 'Naruto' meant nothing to them. Mating aura be damned. Every female who had seen his face flew to him like bees to a flower. It was time to pollinate like nobody's business.

-

"Oh, holy shit..." Genma spoke aloud, his voice cracking as he did.

"You looked, didn't you?" Jiraiya asked, bending over just slightly.

"I think I just had an orgasm..." Was the shaky response that was given.

"It's to be expected, from Kakashi. There's a reason he wears that mask all the time, Genma. Now you know that..." The perverted hermit started to hobble off somewhere.

"Wh-Where are you going?"

"I need to change, real quick..." Jiraiya had been watching, unfortunately, as well.

-

They didn't know exactly what Kakashi had done, but several hundreds of females no longer seemed interested in Naruto, which was a good thing. They were currently stripping and dog piling together in a mass mound of human flesh on top of the jounin, who was no doubt lost forever to them beneath the immorality.

Shikamaru looked over his shoulder as they jumped from building to building, not surprised to find several ninjas following them. He knew some of them, and knew that they were in serious trouble. He was rather embarrassed to find Temari and Ino among the ranks of female pursuers. Hold on...was that his mom? Oh, hell no! ...That was Choji's mom, too! Ino's mom? All three of them? That was just ridiculous! The Ninetailed Fox needed to learn some boundaries...

Shino and Neji were both cursing inside at the fact that Hinata was after them, both upset for their own reason. Neji didn't like it because Hinata was family, and he was currently trying to come to grips with the fact that Hinata had recently grabbed hold of his...manhood, back at the springs. Not cool. Shino was upset because his confession had been ruined by this event, but he felt a little better that he knew it wasn't because of him that she had run away. Wait a second...was that his mom? Oh, there was about to be a problem!

Kiba was incredibly pissed at Naruto, right now. He had the ultimate booty call going for him, right now, and yet here he was. Running like a little wuss. He was going to make sure that Naruto made good use of this aura like a man! Hold the phone...that was his mom and sister chasing them! Son of a bitch! He was so angry and conflicted he could hardly even see straight.

Lee was currently downtrodden by the fact that Tenten and Sakura were among the ranks of those chasing them. He still had his good friend slung over his shoulder, and was definitely not going to let him fall prey to the sex crazed ladies in pursuit. But...at the same time...he was sad that the girls he cared for were after someone else. Ah, being caught up in the throes of youthfulness, as they all were now, could be difficult at times. What the...was that his mom?

"You guys," Lee shouted above the sound of the screaming surrounding them through their flight, "We CANNOT let anything happen!"

"Hell no!" The other ninjas replied in unison. There was no way that as long as they had breath in their bodies that they were going to let Naruto do anything with the women after them!

Little did they know, Naruto's very life depended on them letting that very thing they swore to prevent, happen.

_-----Author's other note: Yeah, Kakashi rocks. You all know it, too. But now it's up to these five brave ninjas to prevent the unthinkable from happening! Can they do it? Will Naruto be ok? Only time will tell..._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	12. Coming To An End Pt 3

_-----Author's note: Some of you have mentioned the 'Lee's mom' joke, telling me that Lee is, in fact, an orphan. An oversight on my part, or something I was just poking fun at? Well, because I would not poke fun at orphans, it was clearly an oversight by me. But looking back at it, I was just vague enough that it can pass as a simple mistake on Lee's part, and not mine. He never thought for certain 'That's my mom! Good God!', so I'm saved by a loophole. No irreparable damage done! You gotta wonder if I did it on purpose or not, huh?_

_I am now sick, and I don't mean that in the fun way. I mean I'm seriously sick, and feel like crap. This may or may not affect my writing speed/quality, so if there isn't an update in two days after this one, you know why. By the way, I am not sexist. You'll get it, later._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"I know I was unconscious for the majority of the event but...I'm pretty sure something pretty psychotic happened. Pretty sure."

Two solitary male figures stood high up on a tree's branch, looking out at the village of Konoha in the state of disaster it currently found itself in. The two were two of the desert's finest, Gaara and Kankuro.

"Temari's in there," Gaara stated in a low tone, barely audible over the sound of the stampeding women, coupled with their high pitched squealing.

With a little groan that meant 'I know she's in there', the puppet master sent a glance down at his brother. The gourd-toting ninja was, at the moment, decked out in countless paper seals, protecting him from Naruto's demon's chakra, and forcing his own personal demon into submission, bottling up any of the urges it may have as a result of the aura. He looked like he was wearing all white there were so many stuck to him.

A few seconds passed as the two watched in awe at the number of girls flooding the village. Never before had either seen so many women in one place before. The streets were clogged so bad that people could hardly even move, shoulder to shoulder, waist to waist. The unfortunate, clumsy, and the slow were trampled beneath the mobs as they mercilessly moved forward, all with that one single motivation in their minds: Get to the source of the feeling, and use it for gratuitous self-satisfaction. Repeatedly.

"If she wants to be a part of this, I say we let her. God knows I wish I was a part of this..." Kankuro grumbled, folding his arms moodily as his eyes caught a young woman pulling her top off as she joined the fray in the streets.

"No," Gaara spoke bluntly, his own arms folded. The Shukaku might not remember what had happened...and he assumed that none of these women would, either, but he sure as hell remembered what that goddamn fox had made him do. He remembered pleading with the blonde girl in his own mind to keep him from doing 'anything', and he remembered doing said 'anything'. Growling a little bit as he slapped on another seal just to be safe, he spoke again, "She's our sister. Besides...I have a score to settle."

"What score?" Kankuro asked, still following the now topless girl with his eyes. How very forward of her...

"You just need to know that we won't be leaving Konoha until Naruto Uzumaki is pushing daisies. Let's go," Gaara jumped down from the tree, followed shortly after by his brother, who had successfully burned the image of the girl into his mind forever.

-

"Uh, Minuteman, I think we might have a problem..."

The perverted hermit unglued his eyes from the screen containing Naruto, currently still in flight, to hop over to where Genma was pointing. On the screen before him he saw none other than Gaara of the Desert, and his puppet-wielding brother. The two leapt from a tree, and disappeared into the throbbing waves of females overtaking the village.

"This might complicate things somewhat, but I don't think we need to worry. Did you see all of those seals on him? There's no way that he'll be affected by the aura," Jiraiya assured his unwilling accomplice, returning to his spot where he could view Naruto and his eventual failing of the chastity mission. After nearly a minute of watching the screen, he turned to send an angry look at Genma, "Did you just call me a minuteman?"

-

Gai watched in horror as his pupil fled the scene, Naruto in tow. The four other ninja males did the same, leaving his eternal rival Kakashi Hatake to fend for himself under the ever growing stack of squealing women. He had missed whatever it was that Kakashi had done to distract so many women, but whatever it was, it must have been magnificent. He noted that the pile of women was rapidly increasing in amount of visible skin.

"Kakashi, don't worry! I, Might Gai, will rescue you from the overactive libidos which threaten your very life!" Gai struck the nice guy pose, but was hit in the head with a wad of paper before he stopped giving a thumbs up to noone in particular. Catching the piece of paper before it hit the ground, he unfolded it back into a square, and read.

_No! Go help Naruto! -Kakashi-_

Somewhat perplexed, Gai called back out, "But my eternal rival, I must..." He ceased talking as a second piece of paper was tossed out to him, and snatched it out of the air.

_This is something I HAVE to do. Just leave, it's too late for me. Naruto will die if he doesn't let the Ninetailed Fox mate, meaning HE has to mate. This is all Jiraiya's doing! -Kakashi-_

"I don't understand!" Gai shouted back to the pile of people, "This doesn't make any sense! ...Where are you getting that paper from?" Gai watched in wonder as yet another wad of paper flew out from the mound of immorality.

_Does any of this make sense? Now go! Naruto's life rests in your hands, and the hands of his friends! ...Gai, if I don't make it...I want to tell you I hate you for ruining chapter eighteen for me. Good luck... -Kakashi-_

The blue beast of Konoha knew he had to leave his rival behind, now. It would ruin his ultimate sacrifice if he interfered, for one. For two, Kakashi knew that he was the person in chapter eighteen of Icha Icha Paradise! How did that happen? At any rate, he would now have enough leverage that the two events would even out.

"Good luck, my rival!" He called out, leaping after the young ninjas who were helping Naruto, "May your youthfulness see you through to the end!"

-

"Uh, Captain Whoops, I think we might have a problem..."

The perverted hermit unglued his eyes from the screen containing Naruto, currently still in flight, to hop over to where Genma was pointing. On the screen before him he saw none other than the blue beast of Konoha take off after Naruto. The look of determination on his face wasn't very assuring.

"This might complicate things somewhat, but I don't think we need to worry. It's only Gai, for God's sake. When it comes to anything involving women, he's a flop. Well, NOW he is. He's past his glory days..." Jiraiya assured his unwilling accomplice, returning to his spot where he could view Naruto and his eventual failing of the chastity mission. After nearly a minute of watching the screen, he turned to send an angry look at Genma, "Did you just call me Captain Whoops?"

-

Iruka looked around, his mind blown completely away at all of the raging women. He tried to ask them what they were doing, and even made the mistake of trying to stop one of them. He got a left hook to the jaw before he had even gotten two words out.

"Iruka-sensei!" A familiar voice called out to him.

The teacher brought his arms up to form an 'x' across his chest as the women in front of him were blown away into the air and every which way. Choji Akamichi, currently in the form of a gigantic ball, came crashing through the streets like a bowling ball down the lane. A lane with too many pins to count.

The genin popped back to his normal size when he approached Iruka, who grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into a hug, slapping his back, "Choji! I'm glad to see you!"

Choji returned the pat on the back, "Same here, Iruka-sensei! What's going on? All the girls are acting crazy...like there's a sale on crab legs, or something."

"I'm not sure..." He was bumped rather hard as an elderly woman hurried by. He shivered uncontrollably, though he wasn't sure why, "Neji and I were talking with Anko and Tenten, and for no reason they just lost it, and bolted. Now this! ...I don't know, but it might be a mass jutsu, of some sorts..."

With a frown, Choji asked, "But then why isn't it affecting us? Just girls. ...Do you think it's because they're weak-minded?"

"Choji, that's terrible! You know very well that girls are just as smart as guys, so don't even say that."

"Name one invention a woman's made."

Iruka blinked a couple of times, women bustling by him from the front and back. He thought...and thought...and thought a little more...and that was when he realized he was thinking too hard. After all, he was talking to Choji.

"If you think of any kind of food, a woman made it. There you go," That may have very well been the most sexist thing to have ever escaped Iruka's mouth, but it was to prove that women were not weak minded. He knew that was not true, and many of the girls he knew stood testament to that. Wait...he should have just used one of them as an example...

"Oh! You're right, what was I thinking?" Choji smacked himself upside the head. As he did, he spotted a certain group of ninjas leaping from rooftop to rooftop, passing them by overhead, "Hey! That was Shikamaru!" He exclaimed, pointing up to the group.

The women in the streets suddenly changed course, as if they were following after the group of ninjas. Iruka noticed this, and rushed to follow them, "Come on, Choji! I think they know what's going on!"

Choji groaned a little bit as waves of kunoichis passed by overhead, apparently chasing the small team of ninjas, themselves. Someone was gonna owe him dinner for this...

-

"Uh, Quick Draw, I think we might have a problem..."

The perverted hermit unglued his eyes from the screen containing Naruto, currently still in flight, to hop over to where Genma was pointing. On the screen before him he saw none other than Iruka and the Akamichi teen chasing after Naruto and the other fleeing ninjas.

"This might complicate things somewhat, but I don't think we need to worry. What can a lowly academy instructor and tubby do? Not much," Jiraiya assured his unwilling accomplice, returning to his spot where he could view Naruto and his eventual failing of the chastity mission. After nearly a minute of watching the screen, he turned to send an angry look at Genma, "Did you just call me Quick Draw?"

Genma pretended to be watching one of the screens, whistling a little bit.

"If you make one more smart-ass comment about me being a 'you know what', I'm gonna break your arm!" Jiraiya shouted, making damn sure that Genma knew he wasn't playing around.

-

"You guys ready?" Shikamaru asked, flying through the air with his friends like they were hawks. Only in an ironic sort of way in that they were the ones being hunted.

"Hurry up and do it!" Kiba shouted, realizing that they were losing ground, and would be caught in a matter of seconds.

The group propelled into the air, flying up high above the village and landing on the top of the sculpture of the Fourth's head. The female ninjas flying through the air all around them, and the common women flooding the ground of the village below them. It was a bad situation, but Shikamaru had taken everything into account based on what Lee had told him, and come up with the best plan he could with the limited time they had.

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!" Naruto shouted, hopping from Lee's shoulders.

Shikamaru threw down a smoke bomb, setting off a blast of shadows. Immediately from out of the darkness shot five Narutos, each one accompanied by a different ninja. The five sets of pairs immediately split up, fleeing at inhuman speeds as far away as possible.

-

"What's going on?" Jiraiya asked the screen in front of him, hardly able to believe what was happening in front of him. The women were completely dumbfounded, almost all of them stopped moving entirely.

"...When someone uses the shadow clone jutsu, their chakra is dispensed equally among each copy. Whenever Naruto tried the shadow clones before as a means for escape, like what you told me about the hot springs, the girls were able to tell which one was the real one right away. But now that he has a thousand times his normal chakra going for him, it's like each Naruto is two hundred times stronger than the normal, single Naruto. The girls can't tell which way the aura is coming from, because each Naruto has so much in them it's impossible to guess!" Genma punched a fist into his open hand, a grin breaking out onto his face.

"What? That...what?"

"It's ingenious, really! Shikamaru must have..."

"I heard the plan! I got the headset, right here!" Jiraiya exclaimed, savagely poking the earphone over his ear, "But it shouldn't be working! This isn't what's supposed to happen!"

"But it is!" Genma laughed, "By keeping the clone's numbers low, a total of only five Narutos, each ninja can try and get one of them to safety...granted, I have no idea which one is the real one, but no one else does, either! The radius of space that each Naruto will attract women at is only one mile apiece this way, too. It's risky to split up, but they weren't going to get anywhere without doing it! Shikamaru is a genius..." Genma sat down right there on the floor, watching in awe as the team of guys broke apart, and fled from each other like the plague.

"Dammit!" Jiraiya shouted, stomping like an angry child who had just been told he couldn't get that new toy he wanted, "Dammit, dammit, dammit! Dammit all to hell! This wasn't supposed to be such a nail-biter, dammit!"

"This is the most entertaining thing I have ever witnessed," The jounin on the floor admitted, "I can't believe YOU set all of this up."

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Jiraiya was stomping around the room, fuming. His bug had been short-circuited in the pop of Naruto splitting into multiple people, so he didn't even have noise anymore. Things weren't working the way they should...

"Hey, cheer up! I've got good news!"

"Genma, I already told you what I would do if you-"

"I knew someone who had the same problem as you. He went to see a doctor, and the doctor gave him an air horn. So this guy-"

"I've already heard that joke, you ass hole! Now I have to break your arm," Jiraiya cracked his knuckles menacingly.

"I'll disconnect the monitors!" Genma yelped, rolling backwards.

"Shut it with the comments. Let's watch..." The perverted hermit stopped his advance on the jounin, and returned his gaze to the screens.

-

"Get them!" Tsunade shouted, taking off after one of the Narutos. Shizune and Kurenai followed after her, several members of Anbu, along with others, doing the same. Kiba was definitely going to have his hands full protecting his Naruto from that mess...

"No way you're gonna get away!" Tenten shouted, speeding after her own Naruto. Anko wasn't going to let her 'little sister' go hunting alone, however, and was quick to follow after her in pursuit of her prey. Neji was going to need to dig deep to keep his ward safe.

"Don't run, Naruto-kun!" Sakura shouted, chasing her own Naruto of choice at top speed.

"We want to love you!" Ino called out, only a step behind her pink-haired friend. Lee was gonna have to get his hands dirty to shield his friend from this twosome, and he knew it.

"The chase just makes me want you more, baby!" Hinata squealed, her fists up to her chin as she blushed furiously. Shino felt his ears heat up when he realized she was chasing them. ...Along with several members of Anbu. This was crunch time, and he planned on coming out on top.

"Shika-kun, you bring Naruto-kun to me and I'll make it worth BOTH of your time!" Temari called after the two she was chasing. The chuunin forced a grin, but didn't say anything in reply, or even turn to look at who else was chasing him. His plan had worked, and that was all he needed to know, right then. He was currently wondering how to finish, because he knew what would happen if Naruto didn't get a 'release' for his chakra.

Jiraiya, based on what he had heard from Lee, must have used the white honey pill on the unsuspecting blonde to increase his chakra by just about a thousand times. There was no way that he could survive that kind of power without getting it all out, and utilizing the mating aura was the only way Jiraiya guessed Naruto could do so. It was bad because Shikamaru was feeling that exact same way, having seen the two demons in the sky, himself. But did that mean that he had to let Naruto...but...Temari was chasing them! Ugh, maybe he didn't have the real one...

"Naruto, are you the REAL Naruto?" He ventured to ask as loudly as he could without being overheard. They leapt over a particularly large street, hitting the ground running on top of yet another roof. They needed to get out of the village. That was yet another part of the plan.

"I can't tell!" Naruto yelled in response, not worried at all about being heard.

-

"You've gotta be able to tell!" Kiba shouted, weaving his way through the forests like a dog being chased by...well, a much, MUCH bigger dog.

"It's not my fault!" Naruto number two exclaimed, pumping hard as he ran like the wind.

-

"Don't give me any of that! This is all your fault!" Neji practically screamed, diving forward and off the side of the building he and his Naruto were on, the blonde right behind. Tenten's weapons sped by above them as they plummeted down into the river of women in the streets below.

"HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?" Naruto screamed at the top of his lungs, clenching his eyes shut as they fell towards the ladies.

-

"You should have come to us sooner," Shino stated, only just loud enough that Naruto could hear him, "Before things got this bad."

Naruto number four jumped while still running, barely avoiding several kunais aimed at his legs as he did, "Hinata! You're going to kill me!" He began to panic.

"I'm just trying to slow you down, Naruto-kun, don't worry!" Hinata replied, slapping on an exploding tag to a kunai as she continued to give chase.

"Oh my God, somebody help me!"

-

"Don't worry Naruto, I will help you get through this!" Lee assured his blonde friend, wishing he could slow down enough to flash the nice guy pose. Given that Sakura was only about five steps behind, though, and Ino not much more, that seemed like a bad idea.

"I need something better than you!" Naruto number five shouted, tears streaming from his eyes in a rather comical manner as he sprinted for his celibacy's life.

"Don't worry, you have youth on your side!" Instinct kicked in, and Lee couldn't help but give a thumbs up and a shiny smile.

Naruto, still running at top speed, grabbed Lee by the head and spun, running backwards while holding his friend up before him. The light reflecting from Lee's teeth was so powerful, that it practically burned the kunoichi's retinas out. Sakura and Ino both came to a crashing stop, clutching their eyes in pain. By the time they got back up, about four seconds, Naruto and Lee were already several hundred yards ahead.

"Come on!" Ino growled, grabbing Sakura by the wrist and tearing off after her desire.

-

"And Gaara, Kankuro, Iruka, Choji, and Gai are all following them, too. I have no idea how this is going to play out..." Genma spoke softly, watching in awe as Shino somehow managed to avoid an exploding kunai that should have left him without a head.

"Good thing I'm recording all of this," Jiraiya stated, nodding a little bit, "...Damn, look at that...But not the face!"

Genma tilted his head to the side a little bit, "Well, looks like Kakashi is definitely buying them some time..."

"Lucky bastard."

_-----Author's other note: The ending has never been as up in the air as it is now. Like I said before, I feel like crap, so forgive me if the next update comes a little slower than I said it would. Winter doesn't do it for me...Thanks for reading...-----_


	13. Coming To An End Pt 4

_-----Author's note: Sorry for the delay. I'm not sick anymore, but I got distracted with other things. One of these things is the creation of my own homepage, which I strongly encourage people to visit. Why? Because it kicks ass and I answer the many questions to life that people may have in intelligent and sarcastic ways. I even figured out how to get a guestbook, too. Say my name. A link is in my profile._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"No! They've all left the village!" The perverted hermit was so enraged by this, that a vein in his head was throbbing quite profusely, and was threatening to burst.

"Guess that means no more voyeurism for you. Too bad," Genma grinned a little as he said this, not worried at all that Naruto was in one of the worst positions of his life, "Oh, we're not counting Kakashi. ...Wait, where'd he go?"

Jiraiya swung his attention to the hundreds of women lying in the street, all sound asleep, "Did he..."

"Do what you can't, only hundreds of times. ...Without a break? He's a...a god..." The jounin's eyes were wide.

Jiraiya dashed out to the tunnel which led to the surface world, but came skidding to a stop as someone dropped down through the hatch, landing on both feet and one hand.

"I-Impossible!" The perverted hermit gasped, taking an unsteady step backwards. A split second after the first form fell to the ground, a second followed. The first one stepped forward into just enough light to reveal who it was.

"I'll bet you think you're mighty clever to have set this whole thing up, huh?" Kakashi asked, folding his arms as he narrowed his eyes into a frown. He was fully clothed, and his mask was back on, luckily for everyone.

"H-How d-did you...that's impossible!" The older man was taking steps back, his finger pointed to the copy ninja's face.

"Not for me, Jiraiya. For someone like you...yes. Very impossible," There was no way he was going to tell the secret to how he had done it. ...He was considering rewording that, but let it slide.

The second figure stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Kakashi from behind, resting her head against the side of his arm. Jiraiya instantly recognized her as the ramen stand's owner's daughter, Ayame Ichiraku! She giggled softly, "Kakashi-san, you're so great..."

"What's so great about him? I could show you a good time, baby!" Jiraiya was feeling less and less like a man as the seconds ticked by and his plan continued to fall apart around him. Everyone pointing out his fatal fault wasn't helping, either. In fact, if he heard one more comment about his 'condition', he was probably going to crack.

Ayame's eyes went blank as she gawked at the aging man before her, who was flashing her a smile and trying to act like a hotshot, "Ugh...Yeah, for what, four seconds? No thank you, grandpa."

And crack Jiraiya did. That vein which had been throbbing in his head exploded, and he blacked out right there, on the spot. It was a good thing that he was such a renowned and powerful ninja, otherwise such a complication would have killed him. No lesser man could have survived such a blow. For you see, Jiraiya's condition makes him no less of a man. It simply makes him less of a man that women want to associate with, or even acknowledge, but definitely not less of a man.

"Very good, Ayame-chan, you did your job perfectly," Kakashi rubbed the top of the girl's head.

"I did it just like you told me!" The girl replied, her eyes sparkling at the praise she was getting from such a dreamy man.

"Kakashi-san!" Genma ran into the tunnel to find Kakashi standing before a knocked out Jiraiya, "But how? How did you know we were here?"

"I followed one of the wires to a camera I found, and it led me down here. One of Anko's little hideouts, it looks like..." He looked past Genma and into the giant room filled with the static glow of television screens, "So you guys have been watching this whole thing?"

Genma swung down into a deep bow, "I'm sorry, Kakashi-san! I only did it because...well..."

"Blackmail? Don't worry. He's gotten a few people like that, lately. You're definitely not to blame for all of this. But where's Naruto? You've gotta know, with all of that surveillance equipment going."

Genma, still down in his bow, shook his head, "Actually..." He quickly explained how Naruto had split into five bodies, and ran off in different directions with different ninjas to guard him. He told him how they had left the village, and they had no idea where the blondes were, now, let alone which one was the real one.

"Well...uh...I honestly didn't see that one coming..." The copy ninja admitted, completely dumbfounded.

"Is Naruto-kun going to be ok?" Ayame asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

"B-But since Ayame's not sex-crazed, we know that there isn't a Naruto within a mile of here! At least that's a clue..." Genma finally came out of his bow, and was surprised to find three outstretched hands, each with a different item for him. A pack of cigarettes, a pack of pills, and a pack of...

"One of these is for before Naruto gets caught, and the other is for after. The third is to drug him, and the other five so that they don't remember any of this. Make sure you get them to the real one, please," Kakashi had such a big smile on that the jounin could make it out through the mask he now wore.

"B-But there's no way I can..."

"I suggest you hurry. Shizune, after all, is after him."

Genma was gone before the name 'Shizune' had even finished echoing through the tunnel.

"Atta boy. I think we've done all we can do, this day. Naruto will fail the mission, but succeed at being a teenage guy. It's beautiful...and kind of sickening."

"Kakashi-san..." Ayame was giggling a little bit as she said his name, and he found her hands sliding up his chest and towards his mask, "What that other ninja said before..."

"About being blackmailed?" Kakashi asked, playing dumb.

"No..."

Through a chuckle, the ninja asked, "It wouldn't happen to have something to do with you being...?"

"Mm-hm..."

And the mask was off.

-

Shikamaru swung his arm up, nearly buckling under the weight of the attack he had just barely managed to block. He lifted his left foot up just enough to come over the sweeping kick aimed at him, leaping back away from his final remaining assailant.

Naruto watched in terror as Shikamaru back-flipped over several unconscious women, flinging a handful of smoke bombs as he did. Temari was swallowed up in the smoke, and for a brief second it appeared they had a chance to resume running. The forest clearing they had been stopped in was now littered with women that the two had been forced to beat down. Of course, Temari had done most of the work, herself.

The two males turned to try and run, but Temari was standing in the way, causing both to flash a sickly pale of white before they wheeled around to try and run the other way.

Using her fan, the sand ninja kicked up a mighty wind, slamming both teens into different trees, both sliding to the ground with groans.

"Now, now, Naruto-kun. It isn't nice to lead a girl on, like this..." The beautiful blonde pointed out, flipping Naruto over before straddling his lap, "Time to make good."

"B-But I didn't offer anything..."

As he had grown accustomed to over the course of the past week, he was expecting some form of innuendo laden response to come out of her. What he got, however, was something much different. He got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Temari was sitting on him, completely motionless, and nothing escaped her lips as she stared back at him, so sexually frustrated that he could see it.

Leaning a little to the side, our young friend saw that his savior was Shikamaru Nara, who had wasted no time in bouncing back from his run in with the tree. He was kneeling down, his shadow outstretched and attached to her's.

"Naruto...I'm going to hold this for as long as I can. I want you to get as far away as possible, and go sleep with someone else, quick!" The chuunin ordered, not moving as he spoke.

"WHAT?" The blonde genin yelled, hopping up from beneath Temari, who took on Shikamaru's position, "Why the hell should I do that?" He was actually wondering why he should go only to sleep with someone else when Temari was right here...No! Bad! Don't think like that!

"Because the pill Jiraiya spiked you with was from Choji's family! I know what it does, and you'll die if you don't let the fox get his mating jollies!" Temari was starting to tremble a little bit as he spoke, and Naruto could see from the frustration and focus in his eyes that Shikamaru wasn't going to be able to hold her for too long.

"...WHAT? THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE! YOU'RE A FREAKING PERVERT!"

"You've gotta trust me, Naruto! That day you saw Temari...when you wound up in the hospital...Gaara..." There was no easy way to tell someone that they had been someone else's love cushion against their will, he knew that, but...

"Ok, then let me ask you this: Why can't I just do it with Temari and get it over with? Huh? You're making everything up!" Naruto crossed his arms, looking away indignantly.

"You can't do that with Temari because...because...to me, she is-" Before he could get the words out, a wave of sand crashed down over him, smothering out his final words and breaking the shadow bind.

"There you are," Gaara of the Desert spoke quietly, stepping into view through the forest.

Kankuro was a step behind, "And with our sister again, no less. You make me sick, you perverted bastard!"

Naruto opened his mouth to try and defend himself, but Gaara cut him off, "No. For what that demon inside you made me do, I'm going to kill you. It's nothing personal, but more than being paired with someone I don't even know or like, I hate being paired with another guy!"

The older brother looked down at the younger brother, a little grimace curling across his face. It was starting to sound like he as gonna spin off into one of his rare talking fits...

"Just because I have the word 'love' tattooed on my forehead doesn't mean I'm gonna look for it from anyone, you manipulative son of a bitch!"

"What are you talking about? I have no idea what's going on!" Naruto shouted, throwing both hands before him in protest.

"I'm a little lost, too," Kankuro admitted under his breath.

Temari jumped in front of Naruto, "Look, you little red-headed psycho, you're not gonna touch a hair on Naruto-kun's head! If you don't get the hell out of here right now, I'm gonna gouge out your creepy sunken eyes and set them beside us on the ground so you can watch while I-"

"It's ok," Kankuro patted Gaara on the shoulder, "She doesn't really think you're a psycho. And the sunken eye thing? When you catch up on sleep, that'll go away..."

Gaara sniffed a little bit, keeping his lips from quivering as he spoke, "If she didn't mean it, why did she say it?"

"Well, when women get hormonal, they say things they don't mean. Like, 'I love you', or 'I want to have a baby'. They don't ever mean it...She's just sex crazy."

Gaara nodded a little, turning his attention back to his sister, who was just finishing up whatever it was that she had been saying.

"-Him! Sound good?" She asked menacingly, eyeing her short brother like he was a total stranger.

Naruto, who was now on the ground behind her, sat there, motionless. He was so stunned by what she had just said she would make Gaara watch, that he couldn't even move. Aside from his face being what promised to be an eternal scarlet, the rest of him was shocked white.

"Sorry, Temari. I'm gonna kill him, and then we're gonna go home," Gaara swung up a hand, the sand from his gourd filling up the sky as he prepared to attack.

-

"Come on, move!" Kiba shouted to the Naruto under his watch. It was taking all of his will and focus not to panic and soil himself. Could you blame him? No. He had Tsunade, Shizune, and Kurenai hot on his tail. Not to mention the swaths of Anbu...

"You don't have to tell me that!" Naruto replied, jumping up after Kiba who had just dove up into the treetops, "Get Akamaru to stall them, or something!"

"Akamaru's at home!"

"Why the hell did you leave him at home at a time like this?"

"He was busy, ok? I-"

Tsunade swung down from above them, thrusting a kick down into Kiba's back so hard that the genin rocketed through a tree before digging himself a crater to lie in the dirt below. Naruto dove down after his friend, but was tackled from behind by a giggling woman who he believed to be Shizune. When the two collided with the ground and rolled to a stop, he, of course, on the bottom, he found that he was correct.

Using a scalpel to slice through his jacket and black shirt with frightening precision, Shizune pulled the ruined clothing apart to expose his stomach and chest, which she starting kissing like there was no tomorrow.

The Hokage, along with Kurenai, dropped from the canopy above to either side of the two. A few seconds later their little foursome, a word to be taken quite literally, was surrounded by the female members of Anbu.

"DO SOMETHING!" Naruto screamed to the women around him, who were currently watching in interest at his current situation. Kurenai was lying on the ground with a tight hold on his pants down near the ankles, while Tsunade had him by the arms and was trying to pull him away, successfully removing his pants. The teen was holding on to the waist of his pants, however, and wasn't about to let go. The part that was making this the hardest was how Shizune was still on top of him, arms and legs wrapped around tight as she continued to kiss him. Yes, the Anbu had quite an interesting thing to watch, indeed.

A vortex of wind and power came crashing down from above them, causing the group of four to pop apart in different directions. Well, Shizune was still stuck on Naruto, but otherwise the group split apart. In the aftermath of the surprise attack, Naruto found himself being pulled away so fast that he was literally trailing after his savior in the air.

"Are you ok?" It was Kiba, he was thankful as all hell to discover. He still couldn't see him in the dust and confusion, but he recognized the voice and smell. It sounded as though the kick to the back had shaken him up a little bit, as his voice was just slightly hoarse.

"Shizune...won't let...go!" The blonde replied, having to speak in-between kisses with said jounin.

The three burst out of the clouds of dust, though the sudden direct sunlight they found themselves in was just as blinding. They were in a forest clearing filled with tiny yellow flowers, and a scent that Naruto found he rather enjoyed. He didn't have time to appreciate any of that, however, as he realized that it was not Kiba who was pulling him to 'safety', but rather, Kiba's mother. He was also somewhat surprised to find that he wasn't being ravaged by Shizune, but Hana, Kiba's sister. How she had managed to pull the switch during the confusion was lost on him, but it had apparently happened.

The older woman flung Naruto to the ground, Hana hanging on for the ride. She jumped into the air right after him, but was forced off course by a flying tackle from her own son.

"Kiba! Thank God, hurry!" The blonde shouted to his friend, who was currently rolling around trying to keep his mother down, "I can't keep them up forever!" At the moment, he was holding onto his pants, again, while Hana tried to pry them off.

"NARUTO! If you do anything to Hana, I'll kill you!" Kiba roared, putting all of his strength into pressing his mother's head to the ground to keep her from getting out from under him, "And if you do anything to my mom, I'll make it my life's mission to find your family, so I can kill them, too! I swear to God, you keep your pants on!"

But it wasn't working out that way. With a mighty tug, Naruto's fingers finally slipped, and he was left in his black boxers and split shirt. Hana, only encouraged by this victory, lunged at him with more energy. The blonde clenched his eyes shut, waiting for something inescapable. Following an alarmingly close crashing sound, the blonde jumped back and opened his eyes. Standing before him was Choji, currently inflated to the size of a small blimp. Hana was flying across the little meadow, skimming the ground and flowers as she did.

With a pop, the Akamichi teen returned to his normal size, turning to look at Naruto over his shoulder, "You ok?" He asked, tossing his friend the pair of orange pants he was missing.

Kiba was flung from his mother, but Choji caught him before he hit the ground. With a forced grin to welcome a little help, he joined the round teen's side in front of Naruto, who was looking around as the members of Anbu began to appear around the clearing. Tsunade, Kurenai, and Shizune were among their ranks, as well.

"This looks bad. Wanna fill me in?" Choji asked, wishing he had a bag of chips to snack on. He then paused a moment to wonder how he could possibly be thinking about potato chips when he was smack in the middle of what appeared to be an all female assassination attempt on Naruto. Maybe Ino was right. Maybe he did need some sort of help...

"You have no idea how bad it is. These flowers we're standing in? Damiana," Kiba stated, squaring his feet as the ring of women began to close in on them.

"What're those?" Naruto asked, his own back against Choji's and Kiba's, fists raised as though he were gonna fistfight his way through sexually charged Anbu members.

"They're aphrodisiacs, Naruto," The boy with the incredible sense of smell stated, "They help get your motor running."

"A flower does that? But...I don't feel any different, so it must not be that strong, right?"

"Your sense of smell isn't like my family's. So..."

The blonde cringed when he heard the sound of ripping clothes not too far away, followed shortly after by Choji speaking, "Ooh, Ms. Inuzuka!"

After punching his friend in the face, Kiba made his last stand to protect Naruto.

_-----Author's other note: Yeah, two cliffhangers in one chapter. One with Temari, her brothers, and Naruto, and one with Kiba, Tsunade, Shizune, Kurenai, Kiba's mom and sister, Naruto, and Choji's in there, too. Guess what? I'm NOT going to resolve these conflicts next chapter. Nope, next chapter will be about Hinata, Sakura and Ino, and Tenten and Anko. Just so you know what to expect. Oh, I forgot to say that I finally gave Jiraiya a punch to the ego which he sorely needed. Good job, Ayame. Thanks for reading...-----_


	14. Coming To An End Pt 5

_-----Author's note: There will be no note at the end of this chapter, which is the end of the story. **There will be a short epilogue chapter after to cover all the bases**, but the story will be mostly done with. I want to personally thank everyone who's read Mating Season, and would like to thank everyone who reviewed a lot more. For all of the good and bad things in here, all of the crap poor Naruto has had to go through, all of the parents I hope don't catch you reading this and send me some form of hate mail telling me to stop polluting their kid's mind...you know who you are, stop reading this...it's all come down to this last bit. It should be noted, however, that by 'bit', I mean the biggest most bad-ass chapter I could muster together for the conclusion. I'm now actually glad that I didn't put all of the ending arc into one chapter, because it would have been over twenty-thousand words long. That's way too much, I don't care what anyone else says. Plus, you would only just now be getting to read any of it, and that's good for no one._

_For everyone who's called me pervert, genius, twisted, god, disgusting, sick, evil, bastard, or some other variation/combination of praise/contempt, this is for you! Thanks for making my first Naruto fic, and second overall fic, a success, it's been fun._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"What the HELL?" The white eyed guardian of one of the five Narutos made sure to put extra emphasis on the last word as he bent over backwards to avoid the end of a broom as it was swung in a wide semicircle over him. He slapped his hands to the ground as he flipped over, kicking the head of the broom clean off and into the air as he continued to back away from his assailants. Which happened to be what appeared to be the entire village of Konoha.

Naruto ignored Neji's complaining, a little too busy to care, at the moment. They had won a small victory just by escaping the village and getting a fair ways away from it. A little over two miles before an Anbu member had caught up to them, slowing them down enough for the rest of the villagers to catch up. Two miles, though, was pretty good. At some point, the four Naruto clones would vanish, and then the real Naruto would have to deal with a five mile aura range, again. The whole point of the plan was to get away from as many women as possible, so when that happened, he wouldn't have to deal with legions upon legions of them. Everyone outside of the five miles wouldn't be a threat anymore, and that was their only real goal at the moment.

The blonde dove between the legs of a young girl, rolling to a stop as a woman the size of Choji after a chip binge came flying at him through the air. Using all of his strength, he caught her while still kneeling on the ground, and managed to deflect her more than throw her. The big girl bowled down several oncoming girls as she went crashing to the ground. Naruto swung a hand out to the side to catch another girl by the face, holding her back as well as he could, "Neji! Help!" He shouted, his other hand now waving around wildly as he clutched yet another girl's arm in desperation, trying to keep her away. He was rapidly lost under a wave, sinking to the depths below.

Neji slapped the broom's head as it fell from the air, sending it upside the head of the woman attacking him. Seeing the mound of women growing ever larger on top of his charge, he dove in to assist, himself being absorbed into the mass of morally deplorable flesh.

As he sort of awkwardly swam his way through the women flailing around his friend, the Hyuuga couldn't help but think that it was an awful lot like the concert that Tenten had dragged him to. When a bra slapped him in the face, followed by an elbow to the ribs and a kick to the chest, he was certain that it was exactly like the concert he had been to.

"Naruto!" He screamed over the squealing and moaning of the women, pulling the bra from his eyes as he took another kick, this time to the side.

"N-Neji! Where are you?" The Ninetailed Fox's container called out. The ensuing wet noises and half-protests that followed told Neji that the blonde was currently being raped in a rather violent manner, or being gored. He hoped it was the latter, but that didn't seem too likely.

"Don't worry Naruto, I'm coming!"

"So am I!" A girl exclaimed right next to him, her face red and her eyes clenched shut. Neji caught a glimpse of her as he struggled by, and was kind of surprised to find a little tear welling up in the corner of her left eye.

"He's not even touching you!" The Hyuuga shouted, leaving the girl to her moment.

"I hope that's not her I'm touching! No, wait, don't do that!" Naruto broke off into a long, comically drawn out 'no'. After a few seconds of more wet noises, Naruto managed to push the girl away from his face and call back, "HURRY! It's like a mosh pit in here! Only with more love!"

"I knew it was like a concert!" Neji couldn't help but congratulate himself on being socially knowledgeable for a change. When he was certain that he had reached the center of the mess, he kicked off one of the innumerable bodies available, and managed to start spinning. The Eight Trigrams Palms Heavenly Spin started up, and he let out the required chakra.

Naruto, along with enough women to screw in a lightbulb, flew into the sky. The women who had been below Neji were pounded into the ground, and many were sent flying off to the sides, hitting trees and rolling to stops on the bumpy ground.

The Hyuuga teen, himself, fell to the ground now that he was no longer suspended by anything. He jumped up to his feet in the blink of eye, looking up to pick out Naruto before anything else happened. He found him, and for a brief second, he let himself smile. The blonde was plummeting through the air, his clothes practically ripped to shreds. He was doing his damned best to hold onto his pants, though, which were still keeping together. Then he heard something that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up on end.

"Get him, sister!"

He turned his terrified gaze to find Tenten standing beside Anko, her hand aimed up into the air to point out their target. The jounin was grinning in what may very well have been sadistic glee. The slight shimmer in her eyes was as good as a promise that she would very soon be taking part in sadistic actions, at the very least.

"Naruto! Watch out!" Neji shouted to the blonde, who moved to make a seal.

"Not a chance, lover-boy!" Anko laughed, swinging her arms up, letting two massive snakes shoot out from her sleeves. Each snake took a bite out of one of Naruto's arms as he fell, catching him, but keeping him from performing any kind of jutsu.

Neji watched in horror as the snakes lowered their captive to the ground, but refused to lift their fangs from his limbs, keeping him a little over a foot off of the ground. Kunai in hand, the genin rushed to save his friend. Cutting a snake in half shouldn't be too tough, right?

Tenten leapt into the air, pulling out a scroll and letting loose a barrage of knives and weapons of all kinds down upon her teammate. Neji's ultimate shield saved him, but he now found that his friend was in-between him and the snakes he needed to sever.

"Tenten, get out of my way! You don't want to do this, trust me," The Hyuuga prodigy growled, squaring into his fighting stance.

"You're right, I'd rather do Naruto-kun. But I'll let Anko play with him while I get you out of the way! We can take turns, after," The genin promised, sending Anko a smile.

"Why take turns when we can go two player? It's like a game! Games are best when you play them with friends, after all," The jounin laughed, the snakes retracting back into her sleeves, pulling Naruto closer, "Don't take too long..."

Neji slung his knife at one of the snakes, but it was taken out of the air by one of Tenten's.

"Neji, hurry! Anko's scary! God, why did it have to be Anko? Anybody but her, again!" Naruto began to struggle against the snakes, but it was only causing more strain on his shoulders and his bleeding arms.

Two shuriken sped out from the trees, cutting the snakes clean in half. Naruto fell to his knees, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. Iruka jumped down from up above Naruto, casting him a quick glance over his shoulder, "What do you mean 'again'?"

"I-Iruka-sensei! Th-Thank..." Naruto wobbled a little bit, then tipped over backwards, "I can't...m-move!"

"Not as fun as duct tape, but a little bit of paralysis is good to keep people still, too. Venom is fun, like that," Anko laughed a little, slowly making her way over to Naruto. Tenten rushed Neji, and Iruka stood firm to protect his old student from his not-yet-girlfriend. He was wondering what his chances were gonna be, after this entire mess. It would be great if she just wouldn't remember any of it. ...He still had no idea what was going on.

-

"Let's hide in there!" Naruto whisper-yelled to Shino, pointing to the decrepit cottage they were rapidly approaching. It was sitting among the fallen trees of the forests, rotting along with the rest of the collapsed vegetation around it. The wooden planks which composed the deteriorating building were stained a dark brown, almost black on some spots.

"We should keep moving. We are supposed to put as much distance between us and the others as possible, remember?" Shino asked, wary to even slow down. Hinata and some Anbu had been after them, at the start. They had all stopped to fight each other, however, so he and Naruto had been able to break free and make some distance without interruption. They had easily made it five miles away from the village, going at their ninja pace.

"I need to go to the bathroom, ok?" The blonde replied, jumping down from the lofty trees to land several yards in front of the unimpressive building.

"Naruto..." Shino sighed, landing beside his charge, "There might be a bed in there...or worse, a desk."

"I don't see what that has to do with anything, but ok," The stupid blonde opened the door to the building he assumed was abandoned, and found that it was, indeed, abandoned.

"Can't you just do it out by a tree and we can keep moving? Heaven forbid you learn to hold it," The bug-wielding ninja muttered, watching warily out through the door to make sure Hinata wasn't still following them.

"Hey, we're in the clear! Just relax, and we'll wait it out here until everything fixes itself. I'll be right back..." Naruto opened the door to what he hoped would be a bathroom, wandering in.

Shino shook his head, mumbling to himself as he surveyed the old building's interior. There was a crappy old table with a couple of wooden stools, some cabinets which he assumed were either empty or full of rotting goods, and several windows, only one of which was not broken in. A door led to what he assumed was the bathroom Naruto had chosen, and one other door which led to the bedroom, most likely.

He moved to sit on one of the stools, but it broke apart under his touch, termites spilling out. He looked down at the swarm of white bugs, wondering how they had all fit into the stool's frame. He knelt down, picking one of the bugs up.

"Oh, that one? Sorry about that," The genin mumbled, sitting on the other stool as the termite on his finger suggested. "So...what's your name? ...Al? Shino, nice to meet you. So how long have you been in this place? ...Wow, that's pretty long. ...Hey, I know you've still got the golden years ahead of you, I was just saying. So, what, are you a worker? ...That's cool. I'm a ninja. Just a genin, right now, but I hold my own. ...No, Al, I'm not trying to talk down to you. ...Of course I don't think that I'm better than you because of my job. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, we're one and the same. I just do what the queen tells me to."

Shino listened intently as Al started to talk about how the king was a fat-ass who just laid around had sex with the queen every now and then, "Well, everyone has something they've just got to do. His job might seem a little better than yours, but...well...actually, his job IS better than yours. ...I know it's bull. Sorry, Al. ...No, there's no lady in my life, right now. ...No, of course I'm not! ...It's ok, I'm not really offended. My dad's starting to wonder, too. There IS this one girl that I like right now, though."

Al, being the good-natured termite that he was, asked rather politely about this girl, and Shino felt obliged to answer, "She is...the most kind-hearted, beautiful, elegant, and perfect girl I have ever met. ...Yes, she's loaded, too. ...She really does sound like the perfect package, doesn't she? But I think that she has a thing for... ...yeah, the little blonde dipstick. Nice phrasing, Al. But it's not like I can hold it against him, right? It's not really his fault that she loves him, and it's not like I haven't had the chance. A lot of chances, actually. We're on the same team."

Shino watched as Al shook his minuscule head from side to side as if he just couldn't get what he was saying, "...It's just...hard, ok? I'm not good at opening up. Or talking. ...Well it's easier to talk to you. ...No, I already told you I think we're one and the same, I'm not discriminating against you. It's just, you know, who are you going to tell? No one would understand you, anyway..." He laughed at Al's response, "Yeah, I guess that does make you like women. You're alright, Al."

Naruto, his ear pressed to the door, was thinking that Shino was talking to himself. Or an imaginary friend named Al. Either way was a little unsettling, and he was considering ditching the somber ninja and just heading out on his own. Then he thought of what would happen if he was found all by himself, and reconsidered. He was just opening the door when he heard a door open on the other side, and he froze up damn fast.

"Hinata!" Shino shouted, jumping to his feet, sending his stool crashing to the ground.

Naruto jumped away from the door so quick that the wind from his movement pulled the door completely shut with a click, which no doubt alerted her to his presence. ...How had she even found them? He thought for sure that they had gotten at least a mile in-between them! The sounds of a fight broke out in the cottage, but after a few short moments, it was over. Silence won the day, and the day was beginning to drag on.

He inched towards the door, terrified of what he might find on the other side. Well, it was a strange kind of terror, granted. A strange, half-hopeful, kind of terror. No! Not half-hopeful! He had come too far to fail the mission! After giving himself a quick mental pep talk on how it would be wrong to take advantage of Hinata, he set his ear against the door to try and guess who had come out on top.

After a few seconds of not hearing anything, he- BAM! A hand burst through the wooden door, fingers wrapping around his collar and pulling him through the door in an explosion of splintered wood.

Hinata stood there, Naruto in the air above her, gaping down at her like she were the undertaker, and Shino in the other hand, looking up at her with what little strength he had left. She had devastated him before he could even get help from his bugs, her gentle fist techniques proving to be less gentle and more bone crunching.

In a single motion, she tossed Shino into the now vacant bathroom, and swung Naruto and herself over to the other side of the room. She slammed Naruto down onto the table, and hopped up to take care of business.

'_Aw, hell nah!' _Al thought, sprinting across the floor from the bathroom to the table, _'There ain't no way I lettin' that little biznatch take my boy Shino's trick! Forget dat!' _The determined termite set to work on one of the table's legs, calling out to some of the other termites to give him a hand.

Shino watched from his place on the floor in the bathroom as Hinata stripped Naruto of his shirt, and was rapidly working on the rest. He pushed himself up onto all fours, "Stop!" He let his head droop when that received no immediate response.

"Oh my God, you didn't even knock him out? What the hell?" Naruto squeaked. With this new knowledge, he started to put up more of a fight, not something that was lost on Hinata.

She turned to look over her shoulder before speaking, "What is it? If I have to knock you out for this to happen, so be it!" She said that, but she knew better than to get up off of Naruto and give him the chance to escape. The chase was fun, but it had its limits.

"Don't do this...I...I lo..." The bug user was struggling with the words he knew he needed to say. It was crunch time, and he had to pull through with a win. This was more important than any mission he had ever had, "I love you!" He shouted, which was more than Naruto had ever gotten from Shino ever before.

The two stared at him for a second, Naruto having to lean over to the side to see his friend , and Hinata just sitting there, motionless. She shrugged, grabbing her shirt from the bottom and pulling it up over her head with both hands, "Then get those pants off and get over here!"

Before either one could suffer terminal complications from a major nosebleed, one of the table legs buckled under the weight, and the two went crashing to the ground. Naruto was behind Shino before Hinata even realized she had fallen. The bug user spotted Al speeding across the ground towards him to rejoin him, and wasn't sure if he was grateful or not.

"...She's not a skanky-ass ho, Al! It's the mating aura! ...I know I didn't tell you anything about a mating aura, I didn't think it was an issue, at the time!" Shino started to speak with the termite, but quickly cut it off by sending Naruto a worried look. The blonde helped him to his feet.

They both turned their attention to Hinata, who was back on her feet, and looking from one boy to the other, "So we gonna make a sandwich, or what?"

Shino sent another worried look to Naruto.

"Yeah, the whole 'feelings' thing makes it hard, doesn't it?" The blonde asked, putting his hand on Shino's shoulder.

"Speaking of making things hard," Hinata had crossed the room and was now standing in front of the two with her hand clutching a fistful of man in both hands, "What do you say we start it off?"

"I think this has actually happened before," Naruto admitted, vaguely recalling a...hot springs? Oh, God... "Yeah, this HAS happened before!"

"You son of a bitch!" Shino shouted, diving at Naruto and tackling him to the ground. The two started rolling around, arguing.

"Wait for me!" Hinata exclaimed, jumping in.

-

Lee stood tall among the plethora of fallen women strewn along the ground all around him. He was sporting some bruises and a beautiful shiner, but was otherwise no worse for wear, and was in his fighting stance as though he was waiting for the whole world to turn on him. The way he was feeling, he could have taken them all, too.

Naruto jumped up, pumping his fists into the air, "Lee! You're awesome!"

The youthful genin turned to flash Naruto the nice guy pose. The lake they were beside reflected light off of its surface and onto the surface of Lee's teeth, which created a light so dazzling that Naruto actually tanned a little bit, "I think we've stopped them all, Naruto! It was a little sloppier than I would have wanted, but our youthfulness shone through to the end! How great it is to be us!"

The two spent a few seconds laughing, complimenting each other, slapping high fives, and giving each other thumbs ups. Morale was high for the Uzumaki/Lee coalition. Victory was their's. They could only hope that the other four were experiencing similar success. They had no idea, however, that they were the only pair so far to be able to celebrate any kind of success, as Shikamaru had called for.

"Wait! Do you feel it?" Naruto asked, stopping mid high five to look around.

"Yes, it's just like that time in your apartment! Someone's close..." Rock Lee affirmed that he, too, was feeling the heavy feeling known as 'lust' filling the air. A sound from the lake caused both to whip around. The two male's eyes glazed over a little bit as they saw the scene developing before them.

Sakura and Ino were rising from the water, both arching their bodies back as they did so that their hair came up from below, and then swung up over onto their backs, sending shimmering flecks of water into the air. It was all happening in slow motion, and Naruto would have sworn that he could hear the introduction to 'Bittersweet Symphony' playing. The tiny orbs of water were struck by the golden rays of the sun, creating a diamond speckled rainbow above the two beautiful girls in the crystalline water just a stone's throw away. The entire scene was the most picturesque, wonderful, glorious thing either teen had ever seen. It wasn't even totally suggestive, but they both still had a little trickle of red working its way over their upper lips.

The two stood there, watching in incomprehensible fascination as the water coursed over the girl's bodies, their clothes clinging to them like plastic wrap. The kind that is impossible to use without having taken a cooking class. The two girls knew that their mission was almost accomplished, they only needed the one more push before neither their target nor Lee would be able to escape. They probably wouldn't even want to. The two girls, still facing each other after having come up from the water, both knew what they had to do, and slowly leaned closer.

"Nu uh..." Naruto's mouth dropped open.

"N-Not possible..." Lee, too, found his mouth gaping wide.

Moving so slow that it must have been a sin of epic proportions, the two girls came closer and closer to each other as the milliseconds crawled by. Time must have broken, because there was no way that anything should have ever moved like this was moving. A dead turtle stuck in molasses that was found on a tree stuck in a chunk of immobile ice moved faster than time, right then.

Ino raised her hand, brushing a strand of Sakura's hair aside as her lips gently brushed her friend's. She pulled back at the last second, her face going red as she grinned softly. Sakura took the initiative, pulling her blonde friend into her softly, wrapping her arms around her before pressing her lips against Ino's.

"There IS a god..." Naruto whispered, watching in awe as the two girls kissed deeply in the shallow banks of the clear lake. The water they had thrown into the air with their hair came cascading down around them in a soft rain.

"My youthfulness just got messy," Lee admitted, bending over a little bit, but careful not to take his eyes off of the glory before him.

The two girls slowly, of course, backed out of the kiss, each taking a good long look into the other's eyes, knowing they had just succeeded. Neither boy would be able to move for the next few minutes, they guessed, which meant that they had plenty of time to take care of the loose ends. As they slowly, yes, slowly, walked through the water and towards the two paralyzed ninjas, an unwelcome guest appeared between them.

"Don't take another step my youthful, mating crazy, kunoichi friends! That's enough, for today!" It was none other than Might Gai!

"Kakashi-sensei held his breath under water for seven hours yesterday," Sakura lied, walking right by the jounin. Ino passed on the other side.

"I'll be back in eight hours, Lee! Wait for me!" Gai shouted, running out into the shallow waters and then diving into the deeper parts of the lake.

Ino chopped Lee in the crook of his neck with an open hand, knocking the youthful teen clean out.

The paralyzed Naruto could do nothing but watch as the two girls rushed him.

-

Gaara hit the ground hard, the sand's armor unable to protect him while he was wearing so many seals. He had taken the brunt of that hit, and how the world was spinning stood testament to that. Kankuro had already had his ass handed to him on a silver platter with all of the trimmings. He was lying unconscious somewhere a few hundred yards away, probably a ditch. Temari swung her folded fan into Gaara's head a second time, and this time he made no indication he was gonna be getting up for awhile. She turned a smile to Naruto, who was still sitting there, unable to believe what Temari had told her own brother what she was going to make him watch. The sand goddess, eye gouging aside, planned to make good on every last word, too. She jumped at the motionless Naruto.

-

Kiba exhaled loudly as Tsunade's foot found its way into his stomach, sending him flying up into the air. Kurenai lobbed Choji to the ground where he lay, defeated. A few seconds later, Kiba landed on him, both unable to do anymore. Shizune and Kiba's two family members lunged at the battered and worn Naruto, who closed his eyes and crossed his arms into an 'x' before him.

-

Iruka flew through the air, busting through a tree like it was a window and he was a rock. He broke through a second tree, and that slowed him down enough that the third tree he hit only caused him to bounce off harmlessly. Satisfied that her friend wasn't going to pose a problem any longer, Anko looked to see how her 'little sister' was faring.

Neji was hanging from a tree branch by his hair, which was tied into a rather untie-able looking knot. His face was emotionless, albeit bruised and battered. He was clearly unconscious, and would be so for awhile. Tenten swaggered over to Anko's side. They both cast hungry looks to Naruto, who couldn't move to save his life. The venom in his veins was making sure of that.

"Time to play, Naruto-kun..." The two girls purred, pouncing.

-

Shino spiraled through the air, breaking through the wall and hitting the ground outside. He was down, his vision slowly fading to black as consciousness eluded him.

Naruto, who had taken a rather nasty palm to the stomach, was leaning against the remaining portion of the wall Shino had just been sent through. He was breathing hard, and Hinata was, too. Well, it looked like Naruto was about to find out what it was like to fail a mission, but succeed at life. The opal-eyed beauty dove for him.

-

Asuma groaned, wondering just how long he was going to have to swing from the Hokage's ceiling before someone found him. ...He really wished he had a cigarette. Something was telling him, though, that a certain blonde he knew was going to need them a lot more, though. In fact, at this exact moment...

-

Four of the five Narutos disappeared, leaving only one. This Naruto failed the mission spectacularly, and repeatedly. The explosions of chakra alerted Genma as to the true Naruto's direction, and he dashed off to find him. He had a certain drug to administer, after all.


	15. Epilogue

"So it's done?"

"...It's done."

Hatake Kakashi nodded a little bit, more to himself than to Genma, who was beside him. The two were sitting on top of one of Konoha's taller buildings, watching the sun slowly dip beyond the horizon.

"It's funny, he went through all of the trouble and blackmailing to get the scoop for his book, but Jiraiya never got to see a thing. While he was out, I gave him one of the pills, too. He's not gonna remember a thing. That means that what was really going on when all the women lost it will be known by only you and me." The copy ninja was ready for life to go back to normal. The mating aura had run its course, Naruto had survived, and he had used the hell out of his camera, and that had gotten him not only an unbelievable new introduction video for his site, but he had been able to jack admission up to the sky. He almost wished he hadn't seen half of what he had seen, though.

Genma took his turn to nod a little, wondering if that was a good thing or not. But... "What about all of the men in the village? Don't you think that they're gonna want to know what was going on?"

Shaking his head no, Kakashi sighed, "We'll all be better off if we just forget about it. To us men, this day will be known as the day that never happened. Understand?"

"Yeah, I get it."

After a few seconds of quiet, Kakashi finally had to ask, "So who was with the real Naruto?"

Genma turned red, but couldn't help but snicker a little bit, "Oh man, you would have had to seen it to believe it..." And he indulged the details to Kakashi...

_-One week later-_

"Ugh, you guys...this is boring..." Naruto groaned, sitting upside down on Hinata's couch as the shy girl was busy trying to figure out how to get her new computer working the way she wanted it to. Hiashi had been unusually kind to her, as of late, and this gift was yet another way of his showing it.

The Hyuuga heiress had called all of her friends over to check out the new piece of equipment, and to just hang out for a little while.

Neji caught Shino looking in Hinata's direction, but shrugged it off as simple interest in the computer.

Ino was sitting so close to Shikamaru that almost everyone in the room (except Naruto, who has a hard time with these things) was wondering why she didn't just climb up onto his lap. Even the chuunin himself was beginning to wonder why she didn't just hop on and get it over with. He was a little sad that Temari was gone, but he knew he'd see her again, someday. Hopefully soon.

Kiba was wondering why his mom was so angry, this morning. He had asked, but it didn't seem like even she knew what her problem was. He had welcomed the chance to get out of the house to come to Hinata's, as she always had something good to eat. ...He was starting to sound like an Akamichi, he had to admit. Choji noticed that Kiba was looking at him funny, but decided it was probably just hunger.

Lee was trying to confess his love to Sakura, but she kept saying that it would take some sort of incredibly powerful love aura, or something, to give him even a prayer. The youthful teen refused to take 'no' as an answer, though, and continued to try his damned best.

Tenten was trying to master the skill of duct tape, but couldn't seem to get it together. The tape was stuck all over her fingers and forearms, and the little pout she had on her lips let everyone know that a mess wasn't the intended effect.

In this moment, surrounded by all of his friends, Naruto knew that they'd all be ok, no matter what happened in the future. It was the times like this, when they were all just together for the hell of it, that made things seem-

"I did it! It's working!" Hinata exclaimed happily, pointing at the screen.

"Internet?" Shino asked.

"Internet!" Hinata confirmed.

"Look for something!" Kiba urged her.

"Uh, ok. What should I put in?"

No one had anything to say, so Naruto opened his mouth, "Look for ramen!"

"You idiot, no one cares about that! Look for something cooler, Hinata," Sakura interjected, smacking Naruto on the head.

"Like what?"

The pink-haired medical ninja shrugged, "I don't care. Just...put in Kakashi, or something. He's pretty cool. Maybe there's a picture of him without his mask.

Hinata did as she was told, and was amazed to find an immediate match! "Oh, you guys, come here, look! Kakashi-sensei has his very own web page!"

Ino and Shikamaru, along with everyone else, was now looking over Hinata's shoulders, "Well what are you waiting for? Click it, woman!" Ino urged her friend on.

Hinata did as she was told, and the intro video started playing.

_-Fin-_

_-----Author's note: Before you guys get mad and decide to lynch me for not explicitly saying who got what, you should know that I have very subtly eliminated couples to the point where you should be able to guess, yourself. Don't ask me, because I'm not gonna tell you who wound up getting him. There are only two viable pairings, though, based on the five that there were. If you didn't catch the hints (yes, they are obscure and vague, and some are in the last two chapters), then, oh well. Just imagine what you will._

_Well, never before have I created so many scenes and images that people no doubt wanted me to expound on in every last minute detail, only to leave it all undone. So many opportunities for lemons, but I just don't write them. Setting up dominoes, but never knocking them down. I'm just good like that._

_Thank you for sticking with me this whole time, and I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. This story's been plagiarized, had a fan club opened and closed for it, had the ending drawn out like nobody's business, and no doubt people are pissed with how it turned out. Would I do it all again? You bet your ass I would.-----_

_-Serac-_


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